DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem that is taking its toll on my marriage. My husband, "Lewis," and I recently hired a live-in nanny who moved six states away to work for us. She is great with the kids, polite and receptive to me -- but when it comes to my husband, "Celeste" can barely bring herself to be civil.

Lewis and I were both committed to making this a rewarding experience for Celeste. He even invited her to play darts with him in his dart league. Celeste has become close friends with many of his friends and makes disrespectful "humorous" comments about him or to him all the time.

Lewis has tried to be nice to her, but he has reached the end of his rope, and they can't seem to work it out. How can I help this immature young lady realize that mean comments, even in jest, sting? Celeste is about to lose her job. -- JUST ABOUT HAD IT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR JUST ABOUT HAD IT: You and Celeste are overdue for a frank talk about how this situation came about. Most employers do not invite their nannies to socialize the way your husband did. Is it possible that he did something that she considered to be inappropriate, and this is her way of getting back at him?

Even if that is not the case, it is clear that Celeste's presence in your household is creating tension and discomfort. And from my perspective, it would be better for all concerned if she found other employment.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please clarify something for my husband and me? My brother and his wife have been divorced for several years and have two children together. His ex-wife has nothing to do with my children. Should they still refer to her as "Aunt Julie"? I say no. After all, my brother is divorced and this would be very uncomfortable for his new wife, should the day come that he ever remarries.

My husband says that Julie is still their aunt because she is the mother of their cousins. Who is right? -- CAROL IN GEORGIA

DEAR CAROL: The reality today is that many marriages do not make it to the finish line. That, however, does not erase the fact that an ex-spouse existed, or the role he or she played. Your brother's new wife will understand that he was previously married and should not feel in any way threatened that "Aunt Julie" is mentioned once in a while -- if ever. I agree with your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I am 38 years old. In 2000, I separated from my husband, and in July 2003, my divorce was final. In April 2004, my husband (or ex) passed away.

I was previously seeking a Catholic annulment. After my husband passed, the church no longer required it because the "till death do you part" clause had been lived up to. (Or died down to.) Therefore, am I widowed or divorced? -- A LITTLE CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: In the eyes of the state of Florida, you are divorced. In the eyes of the church, you are widowed. Take you pick.

DEAR ABBY: I received a flag from a memorial service for a friend who had no family. I was this person's closest friend. The flag remains stored in a box, unused and packed away.

Would it be wrong or disrespectful to my country or to my deceased friend to allow my parents to fly this flag on their flagpole at home? -- WONDERING IN CONCORD, N.H.

DEAR WONDERING: As long as the flag was treated with respect -- taken down at night and not allowed to become tattered and faded because of exposure to the elements -- I think it would be a loving tribute to your friend if it were displayed. Better that than folded away and forgotten.

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DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the letters I received from readers who felt I was wrong to advise a stepmother to caution her stepdaughter about giving her baby a name that will be pronounced differently than it is spelled. Today, I'll share the thoughts of those who felt my advice was on target. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, thank you for your response concerning the odd spelling of a baby's name! I have worked in the public school system and in customer service, and I speak for many when I say that nothing is more annoying than trying to figure out how to pronounce or spell an invented name. It's also frustrating for the owners of the names, who must spend their lives explaining to people how to spell and pronounce the names their parents stuck them with.

Some parents (usually young ones) seem to think a weird name is "cute." Nothing is further from the truth. Thank you for having the courage to speak out for babies who have no choice in the matter. -- LINDA IN PHOENIX

DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nurse for more than 25 years in newborn nurseries. Too often people give cute and original names that only end up being a burden. Many a time have I asked a child's name, only to hear one that will make that child cringe in the future. And often, these same parents go out of their way to make the spelling impossible!

Suggestion: Give a basic middle name the child can fall back on if needed. Please remember that in the flash of an eye, that baby will be in school, where other children will be cruel. -- R.N. FROM ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR R.N.: You're right. A woman once wrote me that her daughter intended to name her baby girl Diana Rhea, which I emphatically discouraged.

DEAR ABBY: That letter reminded me of a story my mother, a retired schoolteacher, told me about one of her students. His name was spelled on all school documents as "Demacus," so that's how all the school officials and all the boy's friends pronounced it.

One day, the boy's mother came to pick him up from school, heard the teacher call the boy "Demacus," and became indignant that she was "mispronouncing his name -- it's DemaRcus!" The teacher pointed out that his name was spelled without the "R" on all his paperwork, and the mother grew even more irate, stating, "Well, I don't know how to spell it, but it's DemaRcus!"

If you can't spell it, please pick another name! -- JENNIFER IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for pointing out the social implications of odd name spellings. I encountered a little boy who, I am sure, has felt the impact of this every day of his life. His name is Jade. His mother pronounced it something like Zhar-day. When she told me, I looked at that beautiful little boy, shook my head and said, "I'm sorry." -- CHARLES IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I can tell you first-hand that an unusual name can be a handicap socially and in business. My mother shortened a family name and added an ending that comes from a language not in my bloodline. It was humiliating when I was growing up. People do not remember names because they are "unique." No one ever forgets the name "Mary."

I believe I have missed many business contacts because people felt awkward because they couldn't remember my name, and it has caused trouble because documents and contracts often had to be redone due to a misspelling.

Please urge your readers to consider this when naming a child. Growing up and business life are hard enough to negotiate without having to fight for your identity every five minutes. Trust me. -- "TM" IN KENTUCKY

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter on Nov. 22 from the mother who was concerned about how her stepdaughter is going to spell her daughter's name, which will be Jasiela (pronounced Gisella). And you, of all people, agreed that she should speak with the mother about spelling?

Abby, that is the joy in naming your child! You get to choose the name and how to spell it. The unusual spelling of a child's name is what makes the child unique. For that mother to take that away from the mother-to-be, well, it's none of her business! The child will learn to spell her name, as she will other difficult words in life. I feel the mother is entitled to name her child whatever she'd like, as long as the husband agrees. -- SHAWN IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SHAWN: One of the most interesting things about writing my column is not knowing how the public will react. When I answered that letter, I had no idea that some readers would react like angry hornets. I was trying to be logical, but there are strong feelings on both sides of the subject. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a soon-to-be new mom, I take exception to the arrogance people show regarding naming children. Because it is not a name that everyone is familiar with does not mean that it's not a good one. And spelling is in the eye of the beholder! I am appalled that people would couch their displeasure for a name under the guise of "for the sake of the child." I would encourage that writer to MYOB. I know if I were the stepdaughter and she said something to me, I would not be happy about it at all. -- FUTURE MOTHER TO IAN OR MIKAYLA IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR ABBY: I was given an unusual name. I have had to instruct everyone from teachers, students and co-workers as to how it is pronounced and the correct spelling. Does this mean my parents didn't know the "correct" spelling of my name? I wholeheartedly say NO!

I have also chosen to give my children unusually spelled names, names that were chosen with careful thought and consideration as to spelling and pronunciation. A name is something to cherish and live up to. My children have been and will continue to be taught this throughout their lives.

If the grandmother-to-be is concerned about the name, she should start thinking of a good nickname to give the child. -- KLISTA IN IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: I did a Google search on the baby name databases. One of the better ones I queried was Parenthood.com. It shows the male name "Jasiel" and identifies it as a biblical name meaning "the strength of God." Obviously, then, "Jasiela" is the feminine form of the name.

Your advice seemed off-putting. "Hesitant" is well-meaning, but she should mind her own business. And for you to assume that Mum didn't know the correct spelling -- well! That was a presumptuous remark and certainly not in your normally empathetic style. I think this is one of the rare times that you blew it, Abby! -- LEANNE R. IN CANADA

DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I grew up with unusual names for the United States -- Deirdre (dear-dra), Aisling (ash-ling), St. John (sin-gin) and, easiest of all, Becket, pronounced as spelled. True, it wasn't always easy, but our teachers learned something new, and today, as adults, we love our names and are happy our parents ignored convention. -- DEIRDRE IN EKER, SWEDEN

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow, I'll share some of the letters from folks who agreed with my answer. Stay tuned ...

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