DEAR ABBY: The short story is, I slept with a married co-worker. I paid him to come to my house to hook up my computer, but when he arrived, everything but that happened. He had been flirting with me for months, and when he got here one thing just led to another.

He is a complicated mess, and I knew that going in, but I allowed myself to do it anyway. Now when we're at work, he acts like nothing ever happened. Guilt is not his thing. He has other women in the office on the line, as well as several others I have heard about through the grapevine.

I am confused by my need to be around this man and wonder what I was thinking. I feel hollow, sick and lonelier than I did before. I have been widowed 10 years and have never slept with anyone else until now.

How do I handle, first, my feelings, and second, the work relationship? I am beginning to wonder if he did this out of pity for my being lonely. If that's the case, I feel even worse.

Please help me deal with the guilt and understand why I did this, and come out of this with some self-respect. -- CONFUSED AND ASHAMED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CONFUSED AND ASHAMED: You probably were thinking how nice it felt that someone made you feel attractive and special after 10 years of widowhood. That kind of a "high" can be pretty intoxicating. You feel "hollow, sick and more lonely than before" because you didn't get what you really wanted, and you know you sold yourself short.

Rather than continue beating yourself up over this, use it to spur yourself into getting out and meeting eligible men so you can find what you need in a relationship that has a future. As to how to handle things at work, keep your communications with the office Romeo short and strictly business-related. He appears to have already put this behind him, and so should you.

P.S. If you paid him to hook up your computer and all you got was sex -- you know what that makes him. He owes you a refund, but don't count on getting one.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a mid-Atlantic state. I recently met a woman named "Diana" from New England. When Diana introduced herself, she pronounced her name "Di-ann-er."

When I address her, should I pronounce her name as she does? Or should I pronounce it "Di-ann-a" in my normal manner? I don't want to seem like I'm mocking her by mimicking a New England accent, but I also don't want to mispronounce her name.

My friends and family are split on what is more courteous. What do you think? -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BETH: Your question brought to mind the old song lyric, "You say 'potato' and I say 'po-tah-to.' You say 'tomato' and I say 'to-mah-to.'" In your case, the polite thing to do is also the safest. Pronounce Diana's name as you normally would, and you won't get into trouble.

DEAR READERS: This Saturday, Dec. 2, the Hallmark Channel will air a made-for-television movie, "The Christmas Card," that features a romance strikingly similar to the ones that have resulted from Operation Dear Abby.

As you know, many romances, marriages and children have "sprung" from Operation Dear Abby, which supports our men and women in the military stationed worldwide. So, tune in, sit back and enjoy it with me!

And now that the holiday season is in full swing, remember to take a moment and send a holiday greeting to our men and women in the military by logging onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.operationdearabby.net" ��www.operationdearabby.net�.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for two years. We both have daughters the same age, born the same year. They will be 17 next March.

My husband works all day and I stay home and take care of the kids. (I also have two other girls, both under 10.) My problem is the 16-year-olds sneak around and do things behind my back when they are told they cannot do them.

One big issue is that although my ex has custody of my daughter, she stays with me because she cannot be trusted alone at his house. My husband and I bought the older girls cell phones to keep tabs on them when they are not at home. But the cell phones have caused so much arguing in the house that it's unreal.

Both girls have been told they cannot talk after midnight, but every time I get the bill, there are calls after midnight. I'm talking about 1 a.m., 2 a.m. -- even 4 a.m. They say I am wrong not to let them talk after 12 because they are adults, I am a mean mother, and I just want to prevent them from having a life. Now my daughter is saying that as soon as she's 17, she is moving out because she cannot stand it here. What should I do? -- STRESSED MOTHER IN MICHIGAN

DEAR STRESSED MOTHER: Confiscate the cell phones at bedtime. Your daughter may be 16, but she's acting like a 10-year-old. The person who pays for the cell phone makes the rules. It's up to you to enforce them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. I get treated like a slut every day. Boys keep coming up to me asking me to have sex with them and be their little slave girl. I say no, but they won't stop!

About five months ago I almost committed suicide. I try to ignore them, really I do. Abby, could you please help me? Please! -- NOT A SLUT IN S. CAROLINA

DEAR NOT: There's a name what these boys are doing -- it's called sexual harassment. It is very important that you tell a teacher what has been going on, because by law, the school administration can -- and must -- put a stop to it.

These boys think they are being sophisticated, clever and funny when in reality they are none of the above. They need to be punished. And you, my dear, may need professional counseling to get over the trauma and depression their foolishness has caused.

Please clip this and show it to your parents and the teacher you confide in. Your problem is serious and needs to be dealt with immediately.

DEAR ABBY: I have lost three friends, and I'm hoping you can tell me where I went wrong. If this had happened just once, I would suspect that I was overly sensitive. But three times?

These three friends are now widows. When they lost their husbands, my husband and I sent condolences, attended the funerals and attempted to be supportive. Since losing their husbands, Friend No. 1 has been exceptionally cool, Friend No. 2 left me abruptly in the middle of a sentence, and Friend No. 3 snipes at me at what seems every opportunity. What is wrong? -- PUZZLED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PUZZLED: Your friends may simply be grieving, or they may be envious that you still have your husband. Or each could have a different reason. I don't know these women.

Frankly, your letter is unusual, given the fact that more often I hear from widows who tell me they are sad because the couples with whom they used to socialize have now "dropped" THEM.

Make another attempt to include these friends in a social outing or invite each over for a home-cooked meal. If they refuse -- or accept, yet still seem cool or unfriendly -- then leave them alone, and rest assured that you made the effort to reach out to them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my in-laws. My brother-in-law will never invite his parents for Christmas, so my husband always insists we have a combined family Christmas with my parents so his parents are not left alone.

The problem is my in-laws have bad-mouthed my parents in the past, and they treat my parents as if they are "less than." They also don't treat me all that great.

I get into fights every year with my husband about this. This year I tried to compromise, saying I'd have the in-laws over for Christmas Eve, but my husband will not bend. He wants both families here, which means I will be uncomfortable all day. It is my Christmas, too. I know it's only one day, but why should I have to compromise and be unhappy for the rest of my life? Please help. -- DREADING CHRISTMAS IN HOWELL, MICH.

DEAR DREADING CHRISTMAS: You have to compromise because, when you married your wonderful husband, you blended your family with his -- obnoxious and pretentious as they may be. You compromise because marriage IS compromise. Keep the spirits bright by keeping the atmosphere as light as possible -- and your in-laws separate from your parents. And remember that the illusion of the "perfect family" is just that -- an illusion.

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced several years ago because my father had an affair. After a couple of years, he came crawling back to Mom, promising that he would never do it again. She took him back, and they were remarried a few years ago. My younger siblings and I were so happy.

I am now married and living in the city, and I was recently visiting. My parents were out of town, and I was taking care of my much-younger siblings. I was given access to my dad's computer to keep track of the kids' schedules, and quite accidentally I came across a love letter e-mailed from another woman. I couldn't help reading more of the letters that I found from her -- and his responses. He's having another affair. I also found letters from yet another woman in his e-mail as well.

Now I don't know what to do. If I don't tell Mom, I will be tacitly enabling him to continue cheating on her. But if I do tell, I am terrified I'll rip my family apart all over again. I don't ever want to talk to my father again. His treatment of my mother makes me sick. Please help me. -- AMBIVALENT IN CHICAGO

DEAR AMBIVALENT: Although it was wrong to have searched through your father's personal correspondence, it may be just as well that you did. Your mother should be told what you found. She needs to be able to make an informed decision about whether this is the kind of marriage she wishes to continue. And she also needs to be checked for STDs, because it appears your father is sexually compulsive and is unable to change his ways.

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if you could please advise me as to the three most important things in a relationship. I had a disagreement with a friend regarding this topic and hope you can enlighten me with your opinion on this serious subject. Thank you. -- SLEEPLESS IN ARIZONA

DEAR SLEEPLESS: The answer to your question would probably vary depending on the values of the people involved in the relationship. However, to me, the most important qualities are trust, communication and a sense of humor.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)