DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother of five. I love my children and their children. However, when they visit, the parents of my grandchildren rarely supervise them. My house and yard are somewhat "childproof," but the kids still get into a lot of things they shouldn't. As I am the only one who seems to witness this, I feel like I am forced to be the baby sitter rather than being able to enjoy the family.

We have a large family, and while I don't mind doing most of the work, I am starting to resent the fact that my husband and I end up doing the lion's share. When I ask one of my grown children to help, the reply I get is, "We are socializing and relaxing," and they don't really respond to my requests. They also leave without picking up their children's toys. When I mention that I need help, the usual reply I get is that I am being "uptight" or unpleasant.

This is causing a lot of arguments between my husband (their stepfather) and me. I don't want family times to be stressful, but the last few visits have been exhausting because I am taking care of everyone. I never had grandparents, so I'm confused about the proper approach. -- CONFUSED IN SANTA BARBARA

DEAR CONFUSED: Well, I had grandparents, so permit me to enlighten you. If my parents or I had ever spoken as disrespectfully to them as your children have to you, there would have been holy heck to pay. It is not being "uptight" or "unpleasant" for a host to ask a guest for help if there is more going on than he or she can handle -- and certainly not if the guests are family members. In fact, they should be asking YOU if you need a hand.

However, there is blame here to go around. Who raised these self-centered ingrates? If the answer is you, then you must ask yourself why you tolerated this when they were young. It's still not too late to put your foot down -- and I hope you'll do so the next time you ask someone to assist you and the person shines you on.

DEAR ABBY: My adult stepsister who lives in another state is being married next summer. We are not close, and I have spent about one day a year with her over the past nine years. We haven't seen each other in more than two years.

My cousin's daughter is being married on the same day. I am very close to this cousin. I have been a part of her daughter's life since she was born and have always been "Auntie" to her. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place regarding which wedding to attend. No matter which I decide to do, someone will be upset with me. Have you any advice? -- BETWEEN A ROCK, ETC.

DEAR BETWEEN: There is a reason why you and your stepsister are not close, and attending her wedding will probably not make you any closer once it's over. Go where your heart tells you, and please do not think you owe anyone an apology. It is physically impossible to be in two places at once.

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Veterans Day, the day set aside to honor those Americans who have served our country through military service. Our veterans deserve our respect and our gratitude for their dedication and sacrifice.

To mark this special day -- and also the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's holidays, which are fast approaching -- please consider expressing your gratitude to the young men and women now serving in the military by sending a personally written message of support via OperationDearAbby.net. Visit the site and send as many messages -- to all branches of the service -- as you wish. Messages of support from home are the best morale booster there is, so let's let them know we care.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have reached an impasse about -- of all things -- mothballs. We were remodeling our house last spring, and tiny moths showed up in the bottom story. "Arnold" (my husband) went to the store and brought back mothballs for his closet, which is on the second floor. I told him they smelled horrid, but understood he was trying to protect his clothing. The moths never went to the upper level, and no one in our family had moths in his or her closet.

The moths are long gone, but the mothballs remain. Every time Arnold opens his closet, the smell makes me sick to my stomach. There are times when he forgets and leaves his closet door open; our bedroom reeks of mothballs and I wind up feeling dizzy.

When I ask Arnold why he still has them, he says he wants to "freshen" his clothes. I can't imagine how anyone can find that smell "fresh." I have requested that he replace them with cedar blocks or baking soda. He refuses to consider it.

I have begun to think it has become a power struggle, and it's probably not about the mothballs to him at all -- although to me it is. Marriage counseling is not an option. I've suggested it before when we've had problems, and he refuses to go.

Do you know anything about the safety of mothballs with children in the home (we have four, ranging in age from 12 months to 12 years). Maybe if he sees something in print, he will reconsider for the sake of the children. -- WORRIED IN COLUMBIA, MD.

DEAR WORRIED: As a matter of fact, I do happen to know something about the subject because it was addressed in my column a year and a half ago. A woman in New Jersey was worried about her grandmother, who stored her winter clothes in a basement closet filled with mothballs, and the odor had saturated her house and everything in it.

A woman from California responded to that letter, sharing that her mother's home had also been filled with mothballs, and her clothes reeked of the odor, too. Her mother had complained about the same nausea and dizziness that you say you have. The mother's doctor chalked it up to "vertigo."

A couple of years later, the writer visited her mother and awoke experiencing the same symptoms. When she got home and mentioned it to her doctor, she was told she had been poisoned by the mothballs! And after the mother was eventually moved to a convalescent home, her "vertigo" disappeared within months.

There are warnings on the container about the toxicity of mothballs and the danger of too much exposure to the vapors. The main component of mothballs, I was informed, is naphthalene, an aromatic hydrocarbon, which can cause neurological problems, as well as hemolytic anemia, kidney and liver damage, and cataracts. This is a poison that is meant to kill insects, and humans and other mammals are not immune to its effects.

If your husband's clothes need "freshening," they should be laundered or sent to the cleaners. And if he still refuses to listen to reason and get rid of the mothballs, he could be guilty of child endangerment. This is one "power struggle" it's vital that you win.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO SLUG HIM" IN LOUISVILLE: I would strongly discourage your use of corporal punishment on your son. The late Red Buttons said it best: "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I go to parties or functions, I often hear subtle or direct gay-bashing. The source is never married people. Married people talk about their kids. No, it is usually single men, often ones who are ex-jocks.

I have also observed this behavior in different social settings and non-professional athletic competitions. The source is always single men.

I'm single and live with my girlfriend. After a divorce and two kids, I don't feel the need to justify that I'm a single man who likes women. (I didn't feel that way before I was married, either.)

I have never challenged these single men who put down gay people, so I don't know what's going on in their heads. I can only theorize that they "bash" gays in order to prove to the rest of us that they are heterosexual males.

Could you please explain to these people that others do not think they are gay just because they're single? Today, men and women stay single longer, and sometimes, by preference or fate –- never marry. Could you inform your readers what is going on out in the world -- at least the ones in this Midwestern city -- and suggest a retort? Perhaps when someone starts with a gay joke, the standard reply should be ...? -- SINGLE AND OFFENDED IN KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree with your theory that men who tell gay "jokes" are probably insecure on some level about their own masculinity. And the most deeply closeted or insecure can be the most vocal in an effort to hide their own leanings and fit in.

One way to discourage such comments when you hear them would be to reply, "I don't find that particularly funny. Why do you think it's funny?" Then let them try to explain. Or, you might say, "You might think that's funny -- but has it occurred to you that someone here might have a gay relative and be hurt by that kind of humor?" I'll bet the thought that they could be surrounded by people who think they are tasteless, insecure or not too bright has never occurred to them.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a stay-at-home mom with three children. My first, age 19, is from my first marriage. The 4- and 7-year-old are from my second.

My husband believes that because he has provided a home for my son and continues to be the primary wage-earner, that it's not his job to help with getting the kids up for school, nor his responsibility to discipline them. He seems to feel entitled to pick and choose when he is parenting and being a husband. His "I'm the man of the house" is wearing thin, and I'm feeling hopeless.

I have told him how this makes me feel, and that the kids aren't learning some necessary skills from him. Where do I go from here? -- FRUSTRATED IN SCHENECTADY, N.Y.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: When a man has to resort to "I'm the man of the house," it usually means he's not much of a man.

Please point out to your husband that one of the most important components in parenting is consistency on the part of both parents. When this man married you, he accepted partial responsibility for your son. And when he fathered more children, he should have realized that parenthood, and enforcing the rules, is a partnership.

Real men stand up and be counted -- and I'm not talking about their paychecks. A marriage counselor may be able to get your husband to recognize that fact.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)