DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Sheila," and I have not had the friendliest relationship over the last few years. Five years ago, we moved our mother to a wonderful assisted-living facility close to me as she aged. I was responsible for all her care decisions. I am a single, full-time shift worker at a hospital, while Sheila is very affluent and flies on a private company jet.

When I received a phone call at work that Mom's end was near, I left immediately to be at her side. Mom was able to talk softly with me, and briefly with my sister on the phone. When the conversation ended, Sheila told me, "OK, I guess this is it," and said goodbye, adding it was "bad timing" since she had company coming.

I called Sheila on Mom's passing, two days later, to clarify notification of family and friends so there would be no duplication. She said she'd call only one family friend.

Sheila had friends visiting during that time and had planned an overnight suite and spa day at a five-star hotel in Beverly Hills on the same day Mom died, which she kept. Why do you think a daughter grieving her mother's passing would go to a health spa? -- STILL FURIOUS IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR STILL FURIOUS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother, which you still appear to be grieving. Perhaps it's time to let go of your anger and accept that everyone grieves in his or her own way. From your description of your sister's behavior, it appears she had emotionally distanced herself from her mother -- and possibly you -- long before your mother's actual passing. Letting go was easier for her than for you because she had already moved on.

DEAR ABBY: How can I tell my dear husband of nearly 50 years that he talks too much? I have tried telling him that conversation is a two-way street, and that as we grow older we should talk less and listen more -- but his way of conversing is to tell long, involved stories, omitting not the slightest detail, and he will tell his life story to anyone who will listen.

I dread having dinner with friends and family now, knowing that at some point, he will begin to hold court and the other diners will sit with glazed eyes, smothering their yawns and glancing at their watches. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this problem is getting worse and I need some advice.

If you print this, perhaps he will see himself and realize that others need to be involved in conversations. Please help! -- DISTRESSED IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR DISTRESSED: If your husband hasn't picked up on the social cues (glazed eyes and glances at watches) regarding his monologues, please do not count on him "seeing himself" in a letter in my column and realizing that it relates to him.

After nearly 50 years, you are, to put it mildly, long overdue for a frank talk with your spouse. And when you do, work out a signal you can give him to tell him when enough is enough. I hope it helps. But he's a little old to be learning social sensitivity. You may have to keep living with it and count your blessings for his virtues.

DEAR ABBY: When walking through two sets of doors, and someone holds both of them for you, when is the correct time to say "thank you"? Is it after the person holds the first door or the second? I have been wondering about this for quite some time. -- BRANDY IN GROVE CITY, OHIO

DEAR BRANDY: Wonder no more. Say "thank you" twice.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I find ourselves in a situation that, in our wildest dreams, we wouldn't have believed could happen. We have four married, happy and successful children.

One son-in-law, "Guy," chooses to work "under the table" jobs and has never had a steady income. Although they have a son, Guy chooses not to provide care for the boy when he's not working. In his words, "taking care of kids is not my thing." For reasons we don't understand and no longer question, our daughter dotes on the man and apparently has no qualms about supporting him. All this time, we have gritted our teeth and let them make their own decisions, believing this is their choice and none of our business.

Guy has now decided that his purpose in life is to be a "skinhead." He has plastered his vehicle with racist slogans. My husband and I are sickened by his actions and have told our daughter we will not allow her husband to display his beliefs on our property. She knows we believe that racism is an abomination, yet she stands by him because she loves him.

We, of course, fear that our grandson will be indoctrinated into his father's beliefs. Also, our extended family embraces various ethnic backgrounds and religious beliefs that we now know our son-in-law hates. How should this situation be handled? -- BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED

DEAR BAFFLED AND DISGUSTED: Cross your fingers and count your blessings. Because your son-in-law feels that taking care of kids is "not his thing," his influence on your grandson may be less than you fear. While a child might mimic the behavior of a parent who spends time with him, I'm not sure the same is true of a child whose parent ignores him.

It is clear from your letter that you are very uncomfortable around your son-in-law. The reverse might also be true. Your beliefs are so different from his that he, too, might like to keep contact at a minimum. If that's the case, you're home free. But continue to welcome your daughter and grandson.

If the boy starts spouting any of his father's racist dogma, personalize it for him. Example: "We don't feel like that in this house. Surely you don't feel that way about Uncle John or Aunt Sally or your cousins. They love you, and you know better than that!" It might start your grandson thinking independently or even make him ashamed. And that's the goal.

DEAR ABBY: Six weeks after my wedding, I was asked by my husband's mother and sister to lend my wedding gown to a neighbor friend of theirs, a stranger to me. I feel a wedding gown is a very personal item, and frankly, their request shocked me. I told my in-laws I would need to think about it, but I really do not want to lend the dress. It was very expensive, and I spent a lot of time looking for just the right one.

I feel hurt to have been placed in such an awkward position. I would like to decline, but I don't want to make any waves. My husband understands how I feel and says he'll support me no matter what I decide. Please tell me what to do. -- RELUCTANT NEWLYWED IN OHIO

DEAR RELUCTANT: I agree the request is presumptuous, particularly since you don't even know the woman who would be wearing your wedding gown. You are under no obligation to agree. Simply tell your in-laws that, rather than lending such a sentimental keepsake, you prefer to save it for the daughter you may have one day. You don't owe them a further explanation than that.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old female who has been in numerous relationships in the past. All ended with my being unfaithful or having an overwhelming desire to be. I can't seem to maintain a relationship for more than a short period of time due to this.

I recently sat down and admitted to myself that I am practicing sexually destructive behavior. I know what I'm doing is just plain crazy, but I can't seem to stop. I did some research on sexual addiction and have considered attending meetings to help me get this under control.

The problem is, I told a (male) friend of mine about my problem. It was someone I care about and had a previous relationship with. I was shocked by his response. He said maybe my problem is I've been trying to stifle my desires and I should explore them more -- by attending sex parties with him! Was that an appropriate response? Frankly, it took me aback. I don't know who else to ask about this, as I have not confided in anyone else. Should I cut him out of my life or forgive his ignorance? -- LOST IN TEXAS

DEAR LOST: Cross this "friend" off your list immediately. Instead of supporting you, he is attempting to take advantage of your illness. You had it right the first time. Joining a group that will help you to overcome your compulsion will be a giant step toward healing. Please don't wait, and don't look back!

DEAR ABBY: I am 46 and the mother of two adult children, ages 27 and 29. I am on disability because of multiple sclerosis (MS). I am doing well, but I'm weak and tire easily, and it's important that I avoid stress. Both my parents died within the last five years.

My kids know I inherited money from my parents, and they throw it in my face when I don't pay for things for them. My married daughter believes it is my responsibility to provide money for her to go to college. She has been very nasty to me, including vicious name-calling and screaming. Each phone call ends in a request for money. Now she's refusing me access to my grandkids, and even drove to my house to rip their picture from my walls.

Abby, I have been on disability for several years. I need the money to take care of me. What do you think about adult children who hate me for inheriting? I have no intention of giving into the strong-arm tactics of a married woman. -- HURT IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR HURT: Good! Because you shouldn't. Neither of your children has a "right" to a penny of your money -- particularly in light of the fact that you need it for your own support. As to your daughter's outrageous behavior, has she always behaved like this? If so, remember this is the core of her personality. Giving her money won't change it.

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever written you, but I'd like your opinion about something. Do you think that good and moral qualities in a person are taught, instilled, or just come naturally to people? I'm talking about things like honesty, optimism, sincerity, tidiness, consideration, charity, fairness, etc. -- CURIOUS IN TEHACHAPI, CALIF.

DEAR CURIOUS: I believe the qualities you mentioned are taught, modeled by parents who set examples for their children to follow. And they are instilled when a child is very young.

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