DEAR ABBY: I'm writing because I'm not sure who else to ask. I'm 22, in college, and I'm tired of having to defend what I want to do with my life. My major is liberal arts. I chose it only because I have no passion for any specific area.

When family or friends ask what my major is and I tell them, they generally come back with something about majoring in "unemployment" or making sure I have a "backup plan" in case I don't find a rich husband.

Abby, all I want is to be a mother to my future children and a wife to my husband. I'm tired of defending myself, and I'm beginning to think my desires are not normal. What can I say to people when they question me, and is what I want normal? -- UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR UNSURE: What you want is very normal. And the fact that you will complete your college education instead of settling for an "MRS" degree is good insurance for the future.

But keep in mind that although your dream is to be a stay-at-home mother and wife, not everyone who marries winds up living that kind of life. Widowhood, divorce or a spouse's illness can change those plans in a flash and land a woman in the workplace -- where, by the way, a college degree and the breadth of knowledge you're acquiring in liberal arts will help you to succeed. Explain that the next time you are challenged.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother loves to shop, and she spends a pretty penny buying us grandkids all kinds of gifts -- mostly clothes and shoes. But my grandmother is decades older than we are, and her sense of style leaves much to be desired.

We accept graciously, then usually donate her gifts to Goodwill, hoping that an older person might buy them and enjoy them. A problem has come up, though. Last night, Grandma e-mailed to ask for one of her gifts -- a pair of shoes -- back!

Abby, I gave those shoes away two weeks ago. This morning, I searched at Goodwill, hoping to buy them back, with no luck. What do I tell my grandmother? I know she'll be furious -- and I'm afraid she'll ask about all the other gifts, most of which I don't have either. -- "BUSTED" IN TEXAS

DEAR "BUSTED": I have a strong suspicion that your grandmother already is onto you -- which is why she asked you to return the shoes. Because you have been put into a corner, the best advice I can offer is to level with her and tell her exactly what you have told me. (If you do, she may send you a check from now on.)

However, if she gets mad, remind her that once a gift is given, it is the recipient's to do with as she wishes, and in giving the gifts to Goodwill you wanted to be sure someone got pleasure from using them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's co-worker died recently in a tragic accident. We're going to be attending a memorial service for him very soon. Because I never met this man, nor was I ever introduced to his wife or family, I am not sure what would be proper for me to say to the grieving family members -- or if I should let my husband express our sympathies since he was acquainted with him.

Thank you for any advice you can offer. -- ANONYMOUS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR ANONYMOUS: If you have a chance to converse directly with the widow or family members, all you need to say is, "Please accept my sympathy for your loss." It's short, sweet, eloquent and honest. And it would be better than standing mute while your husband does all the talking.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Proud of My Friend" in Wisconsin (8-7), to give their friends who have just become U.S. citizens an American flag, was great. To make the gift "extra" special, "Proud" could first have the flag flown over the U.S. Capitol building, and then present it to their friends with a certificate stating the day it was flown.

All congressional offices provide this service for their constituents, charging only for the cost of the flag and shipping. (Flags can be purchased for as little as $15.) Please encourage these folks -- and any others who would like to mark a special occasion, memorial or honor -- to contact their congressional representative. And if they are not sure who their representatives are, they should "fire up their computers" and visit � HYPERLINK "http://www.house.gov" ��www.house.gov� and enter their ZIP code. (Most representatives have forms and information on flags on their Web sites.) -- FORMER CONGRESSIONAL STAFFER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR FORMER STAFFER: Thank you not only for your kind words, but for providing so much information for Dear Abby readers about how to order these special keepsakes. While many of the readers who commented about that letter agreed that an American flag is an appropriate gift for any new citizen, I also received some other worthwhile suggestions. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While your idea was a good one, a more appropriate gift than a flag might be a copy of the Declaration of Independence or the Bill of Rights. These can be purchased as posters and framed, or found on the Web in a form suitable for hanging. If someone is handy with Print Shop, it can be produced on his or her own PC.

I believe that people tend to forget that it's not the flag that we pledge to uphold when we swear in for public office, military duty or as new U.S. citizens, but the Constitution. While the flag is a common symbol, it is not truly what America is all about. -- REMEMBERS DUTY TO THE CONSTITUTION

DEAR ABBY: I would consider it a nice gesture if someone were to make me a scrapbook containing a few "Americana mementoes" (images of America or pictures with historical significance) sprinkled with a few traditions or family cooking and baking recipes. Romanians have a deep appreciation for the culinary arts, so one could never go wrong with giving them an all-American cookbook, or better yet, an all-American dessert cookbook! -- RIGHT HAND RAISED IN LOMA LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: "Proud of My Friend" asked about a suitable gift for friends who have just become U.S. citizens. The oak is our national tree, so if they have the space, perhaps an oak tree for their yard would be a lasting reminder of their new country. -- LINDA IN TUSTIN, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I loved your idea about giving the newly sworn U.S. citizens an American flag. The family can hang it proudly, or buy a triangular display case to keep it in. The cases are advertised in catalogs and are very handsome. -- DONNA A. IN THE USA

DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a birthday party for one of my friends. Although I had a gift, I had not considered buying a card to go with it. My mother said it is rude to give gifts without a card. What do you think? -- DANA IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DANA: It isn't "rude" to give a gift without including a card or note with it; it is impractical to do so without identifying the giver. How else will the recipient know whom to thank?

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl entering the eighth grade. Even though I have friends, I feel like I am invisible. Many of the people who claim I am their "friend" don't even take the time to call me. I could take the first step and call them, I suppose, but then I always feel like I'm not really their friend.

I have only one girlfriend whom I can call on for advice. Please help me, Abby. I have just spent a long, miserable summer with no one to talk to. I want to change that. When I'm in high school next year, I don't want to just fade into the shadows like in middle school. I could really use some advice. -- ALONE AND SHY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ALONE AND SHY: Here it is. If you spent the entire summer waiting for people to call you, then it's no wonder you spent it alone. I know very few people who sit back, wallowing, as it were, in the adulation of others, while making no effort on their own behalf.

If you want to stand out in high school, you are going to have to become proactive in promoting yourself. An effective way to do that is to join clubs, become active in sports, activity groups, drama and/or student government.

In your signature line you identified yourself as "shy." Did you know that about one-third of the population is afflicted with shyness to some degree? It's true! And do you know why so many people are shy? Because they're afraid of rejection -- and holding back is the only way they think they can protect themselves from being hurt.

In my booklet, "How to Be Popular," I review topics including "The Art of Conversation," "The Friendly Personality," "Grooming," and what makes a clever conversationalist. If these are topics you would like to learn more about, my booklet can be ordered by sending a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Postage is included in the price. (Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend, "Carl," 3 1/2 years. We have lived together for three of them. Carl is 25, and this is the first, and hopefully, last, serious relationship for both of us. We have bigger issues than the one I present to you now, but this is the only one that has me mystified: Carl never calls me by name!

We both called each other "Baby" and "Sweetie" in the beginning, but as soon as I noticed it, I changed my ways. Carl said he always preferred calling me by my middle name (a family custom), which seemed sweet and was fine by me.

Abby, all that has changed is what Carl calls me when speaking in the third person. Anyone observing our interactions would -- and rightly so -- assume my name is "Babe"! Why is he doing this? What can I do? I'd truly appreciate your help. -- MIFFED IN MIAMI

DEAR MIFFED: Calling you "Babe" may be a lazy speech habit, may be his "special" pet name for you (although I'm not putting money on it), or he may have trouble remembering names -- including yours. Because being called "Babe" upsets you, tell Carl once more that you prefer being addressed by your given name. And if he has another memory lapse after that, "re-train" him by reminding him what you prefer to be called each and every time he slips up.