DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I recently hosted a week-long family reunion for 40 relatives at our lakeside cottage, one family arrived with toys that included slingshots and a bow with rubber-tipped arrows.

To my horror, their 7-year-old son, "Andy," shot an arrow directly into a group of his cousins. I screamed his name, and he stopped and didn't shoot the other arrows. I explained that he could hurt someone and he should never shoot into a crowd, etc. Andy's father was annoyed with me for shouting at his son and kept muttering that a rubber-tipped arrow could never hurt anyone.

The next morning, I saw Andy aim his bow and arrow at another cousin only a few feet away. Horrified, I shouted, "Andy!" and the closest adult removed the bow and arrow from his hands. Andy then started crying and threw himself on his mother's lap, where he sobbed and wailed for one solid hour. Someone told me I had "humiliated" the boy. I was very disturbed and could not understand the parents' nonchalance about the possible danger.

The next morning I apologized to Andy and his parents for "humiliating" him. I explained I was concerned that someone would get hurt. Andy smiled and nodded yes in agreement, that he understood. His mother also smiled at me and gave me a "thumbs up." All appeared to be forgiven and forgotten.

In the middle of the afternoon, Andy's father announced they were leaving, that they couldn't wait to say goodbye to their grandfather, who was hiking with other family members. The family left without saying another word to me.

I have had many sleepless nights since, wondering if I was wrong to object to the child shooting arrows into groups of people. Did I make a mountain out of a molehill? Are rubber-tipped arrows harmless? Although two fathers told me not to let it bother me, I am still a ... VERY CONCERNED GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: I vote with the two fathers who told you not to let it bother you. Andy's parents were, in my opinion, guilty of reckless endangerment for allowing their child to play so irresponsibly with a toy he was not mature enough to handle. All he needed was one "lucky shot" and the arrow could have hit one of the other children in the eye, with lifelong repercussions. Andy's sobbing fit wasn't because he was humiliated; it was because he didn't get his own way.

Since you're having trouble sleeping, try a glass of warm milk at bedtime. You not only did not do anything wrong, you did exactly the right thing. Andy's parents should be ashamed at their lack of parental responsibility.

DEAR ABBY: My sister, after a valiant two-year battle, is losing to cancer. When I talk about it, every single person asks, "How old is she?"

What difference does it make if she's 10 or 100? How should I respond to those people? -- ALREADY GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ALREADY GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy. The subject of death makes many people uncomfortable. The asker may be curious, or anxious, when you bring up the subject. If your sister is older, then the questioner might respond, "Well, she lived a long life," in a clumsy attempt to make you feel better. If your sister is young, then the questioner is brought face-to-face with his or her own mortality, thinking "Oh, my, she's my age -- or younger!"

If the question makes you uncomfortable, just say, "Why do you ask?"

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DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Alia," is being married in November at a fancy resort. Her fiance manages the place, so they are getting a reception for next to nothing. Because it is a nighttime, black-tie affair, Alia prefers to have no children at the reception. Children will be welcome at the church, and baby sitters will be provided during the reception afterward. Furthermore, the children will be treated to a pizza party, games and movies.

Alia has never related well to children, but she doesn't want to offend anyone. However, my "Aunt Julia" (who has three small children) has gotten wind of this, called Alia and chewed her out, and said her children go "everywhere" with her and that excluding them is an "insult." (These are the same kids who ran wild at our cousin's wedding last month, and one of them spilled red wine on Alia's bridesmaid dress.)

Is my sister being rude by excluding children from the reception? Our little sister, "Emily," is 9, and she will be in the children's room and not at the main reception. (And frankly, she's more excited about that than anything.) Please advise, because Alia is sensitive and doesn't want to offend people. -- CARING SISTER, KENTWOOD, MICH.

DEAR CARING SISTER: If your sister wants an adults-only wedding reception, then she's entitled to have one. Aunt Julia was out of line to criticize. The bride is being more than gracious, and providing generously for the children's supervision and entertainment after the ceremony. And if Aunt Julia feels she cannot be separated from her little angels for even a few hours, then she should attend the children's reception with them.

DEAR ABBY: I have heard advice given to childhood abuse survivors that it is all right to avoid their abusers, even when the abuser is a parent.

My situation is unique. I was emotionally abused by both of my parents for years. A couple of times when I was young, my mother attempted suicide (to get attention) and blamed her attempts on me. I will never forget the time she told me, "I tried to kill myself because you are such a horrible daughter."

I am still in my mother's life. (I am 47.) I do not wish to see her very much, but I feel responsible for her. I would prefer never to see her again because of all the years of abuse, guilt and inappropriateness she heaped on me. Is this possible?

I have had therapy and have come to terms with my past. I guess I am looking for "permission" not to see her. Thank you in advance. -- CHRIS IN NAPA, CALIF.

DEAR CHRIS: You're welcome. You not only have my permission, you have my blessing.

DEAR ABBY: My only daughter was murdered by her husband a month ago. Her brothers want him to be put to death. I think that life in prison would be worse. He is moody and has a superiority complex, so I feel his fellow inmates would help to punish him over the years.

My question: When he turns 65 -- or whatever the age limit is for Social Security -- can he claim benefits or draw a monthly check? He paid into the system for quite a number of years. Does the government give monthly checks to crooks, rapists, murderers and the like? -- HURTING IN GEORGIA

DEAR HURTING: According to the Social Security Administration office in Washington, D.C., people who are in prison cannot apply for benefits, nor will they receive any while they are incarcerated.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister had a childhood friend, "Denise," with whom she was very close in elementary school. They were friends only intermittently as they grew older, and Denise started getting into all kinds of trouble. When they were in college, my sister house-sat for my parents while they were on vacation, and Denise stayed with her. While she was there, she stole some expensive jewelry from my mother.

Although the family never confronted Denise about it, it was obvious that she took the jewelry, and my sister did not remain in contact with her after that.

My sister is now 40 and expecting her first child. I have offered to throw a shower for her.

A couple of years ago, Denise got in touch with my sister and they became friends again. I don't know much about her last 20 years, other than that she spent time in jail and is now a single mother to a teenage son and works for a non-profit agency.

Given her history with the family, I definitely do not want to invite Denise into my home for the shower, and my mother is adamant that she will not attend the shower if Denise is there. My sister wants to invite Denise because they are friends again, and she doesn't know how to tell her that she isn't invited. What do we do? -- "LORETTA" IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR "LORETTA": If your sister is not already aware of your feelings and your mother's, she should be enlightened. If she still wishes to invite Denise to her baby shower, then it will have to be held somewhere other than your home -- and your mother will not be there.

However, considering the circumstances, I think it's time your sister grew a backbone and explained to Denise that the theft left lasting hard feelings with the family -- which are understandable -- so she should not expect to be included at any family functions that include your mother.

DEAR ABBY: One of my closest friends, "Louise," has informed me that her husband just moved out and is requesting a divorce. She is hoping to repair the marriage. She has not given me a reason why, nor have I asked. I am trying to be a good friend and be supportive.

My problem is, on a recent trip to visit my grandmother in a nearby city, I saw Louise's husband being very cozy and affectionate with a very pregnant woman. Louise was never able to have children, so this will come as a big blow to her. She has also started drinking a great deal, and is having all sorts of people at home for parties. This is not typical behavior for her, but I understand why she's doing it.

Louise lives a financially secure life because of her husband's income. He is already asking about how to liquefy the assets, and she is in denial. I don't know if I should tell her about the pregnant woman or express my concerns about her drinking. I feel she needs to wake up and smell the coffee and start securing her assets. What should I do? -- WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND

DEAR WORRIED: Your friend may already know about the woman and the baby, but on the chance that she doesn't, she should be told what you saw. And because you are concerned about her drinking, you should express that, too.

There are difficult times ahead for your friend. She's going to need her wits about her -- not be addled or living in a fantasy world. She's going to need legal advice and, of course, all of the emotional support her friends can give her.

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