DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore in a good university, studying chemical engineering. My mother feels that since I'm studying such a potentially rewarding and well-paying field, I should date only other engineers or pre-med students. She says she wants me to date people who will benefit me if we stay together.

Earlier this year, I met a girl who goes to a local community college and plans to be a teacher, and introduced her to my mother on the phone. Afterward, my mother asked me what school and major she was in. When I told her, she said I could do better and should date people on my own level.

This was extremely hurtful. My mother never gives the girls I introduce her to a chance. I really like this girl and don't want something like this to interfere. What can I do about my mother's narrow-minded thinking? -- HURT IN HACKENSACK, N.J.

DEAR HURT: Not much, I'm afraid. You view selecting a partner from a romantic perspective. From your mother's perspective, it will be a financial merger. I'm sure your mother wants you to be happy as much as you do. However, you are not an extension of her -- and only you can determine what qualifications are important to you in a life partner. When you are fully mature you will understand this and make your own decision without seeking her approval.

DEAR ABBY: During our visit to my family at Thanksgiving two years ago, my father made advances toward my wife. He was drunk at the time. My wife told me about it after we had left. I fully support her and do not question what occurred.

The problem is my mother and the rest of the family are wondering why we no longer visit. (It's about 18 hours away by car.) I am running out of excuses, and my wife has made it clear that she's not comfortable going back to visit with my dad there.

I don't want to put my wife in that position, but I do want my daughters to visit with my mother and the rest of the family, including nieces and nephews. I feel like I need to confront this, but I'm not sure how. Any advice? -- ON THE SPOT IN KATY, TEXAS

DEAR ON THE SPOT: You wouldn't be on the spot had you dealt with this at the time it occurred. Your mother should be told the truth about why you have stayed away. I don't know how much or how often your father drinks, or if he has pulled this on any of the other women in the family. But as it stands, your daughters should not visit their grandparents unless they are strictly supervised by you and their mother.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ryan," who is 10 years older than I am, for only two months. He treats me like a princess, but he does not want to have a committed relationship. His last relationship, which lasted three years, was not very good. He has been separated from her for 10 months and still hasn't gotten over her.

I have recently divorced after a marriage of many years. I would like for Ryan and me to be more than friends, but he is unwilling at this point.

Should I give this more time and just stay "friends" -- as he calls us -- for a while, until he is over his previous relationship and has a clear mind on what he wants? -- NEEDS ADVICE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Absolutely. Because, if I have read your letter correctly, you have no other choice if you want a relationship with Ryan.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I am a professional disc jockey with more than 30 years' experience. I am on radio, and also entertain at weddings and private parties on weekends. Over the years, I have been amazed at the number of parents who take small children to wedding receptions and then proceed to turn the toddlers loose while they kick back and enjoy themselves.

Last weekend, such parental lack of supervision, combined with adult stupidity, had disastrous consequences.

I had just played the "first dance" songs and was playing a song for the bride, who wanted to have a special dance with her grandfather. About midway through the song, a woman came running to my table saying, "There's something wrong with the air! My throat is burning!" I looked up and the bride was holding her hand to her throat, gesturing at me to stop the music. About that time, about half the crowd started running for the door and out into the parking lot.

A minute or two later, one of the staff informed me that someone had let loose pepper spray into the hall. They threw open the doors and windows and, after 15 or 20 minutes, things began to return to normal.

It turned out that someone had left a keychain with a small canister of pepper spray sitting on a table. A child about 4 years old, who was running loose through the hall, picked up the keychain, saw the shiny container with a button on the top -- and pushed it. Talk about a great party stopper. Most of the guests who left the room never returned -- and all because someone left his or her kid unsupervised, running amok, and because an adult with cranial-rectal syndrome left a container with a toxic chemical on a table where a child could pick it up.

Please, parents. If you must bring a child to a reception, make sure that child is properly supervised. Otherwise, get a baby sitter and leave the child at home. -- "THE VELVET VOICE" IN HILLIARD, OHIO

DEAR VELVET VOICE: I hear you loud and clear. Now if the guilty parties will pay attention and not tune you out, perhaps fewer adult festivities will be ruined.

DEAR ABBY: A distant cousin I'll call "Maggie" stayed with my husband and me while she was visiting our area. We were friendly with her parents and aunts, and hadn't seen her since her wedding years ago.

She proceeded to tell us that her aunt, whom we adored, had been a kleptomaniac. (This aunt has been dead about 10 years. Why tell us?)

When Maggie left, she took an expensive pair of scissors off the table. Nobody else was here, so it had to be her. Abby, this woman is a pharmacist and an only child. She's very well-off. We wined and dined her, and sent her off with some local gourmet items.

I want to write and tell her we know she took the scissors, but my husband tells me I should forget it. They were very special scissors -- heavy-duty -- and I miss them. What would you do? -- MIFFED IN CHICKOPEE, MASS.

DEAR MIFFED: It appears that, like her aunt, Cousin Maggie has a compulsion to steal. It has nothing to do with her wealth or social status -- it's a sickness.

If it will make you feel better, you could write her and ask her if she packed them "by mistake." But don't hold your breath waiting for her to admit it. If I were you, I'd buy another pair of scissors and not invite her back.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am working temporarily as a receptionist. I get tired of greeting people, but I put on a smile and do it. But it upsets me when I make contact with someone and say, "Good morning," only to have him or her look away and ignore me.

Would it be OK to say, "Excuse me, I said, 'Good morning'"? If not, how do you suggest dealing with rude people like these? I think they should be made aware of their poor manners. But how?

Too many people think it's all right to grunt inaudibly, or worse, completely ignore the greeting. -- TIRED OF SMILING, RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR TIRED OF SMILING: As a receptionist, your job is to offer a smiling, friendly welcome for your employer when clients walk in the door. Of course, the usual and proper response to a courteous and friendly greeting is to return it. People who don't are rude -- or may have serious problems on their minds. However, it is NOT your job to teach them good manners, something their mothers should have done years ago. My advice to you is to keep smiling, and also keep looking for a job you find more fulfilling.

DEAR ABBY: My father died suddenly a short time ago. Ever since, I have been having a hard time trying to sort out my feelings. I have yet to break down and cry, and I don't know how to say goodbye to a man who meant so much to me and my siblings. He was a great man, my hero, and the only man I have ever wanted to be like.

Abby, I feel guilty about not having broken down and cried yet. I want those feelings to come, but they won't. Please give me some advice. -- GORDON IN IOWA

DEAR GORDON: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Death is something that affects different people in different ways. Sometimes the survivors feel numb, which may be why it's hard for you to cry.

Please do not feel guilty about this. Joining a grief support group might help you in getting through this period. However, the last thing you need on top of the pain of your loss right now is to beat yourself up because you haven't behaved in a fashion you thought you "should" have.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law never stops bragging about her kids. And these brats constantly compete to be the center of attention, spitefully putting my children down at family gatherings.

My mother-in-law spends a lot of extra time with these kids because they are involved in athletics. My children are about the same age, but when I'm around my mother-in-law, all she talks about are the niece and nephew. She never asks about my children. I have taken to politely excusing myself when she does this, or when my sister-in-law starts bragging, or her kids start drawing attention to themselves.

Is this the proper way to handle this problem? -- READY TO SCREAM IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR READY TO SCREAM: Your sister-in-law appears to be a natural when it comes to public relations. Surely your own children have some accomplishment that you can pipe up and mention at these family gatherings.

Leaving the room is not the way to handle this. Speaking up and talking about what caring, thoughtful, creative children your children are is something you should have started doing long ago.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)