DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and have never wanted children. Last year, however, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test and 41 weeks later the girl was born. I pleaded and begged my husband throughout the pregnancy to sign adoption papers with me. He refused. He is in the military and was gone through most of the last seven months. We now live thousands of miles from my family, and I am miserable, stuck with a colicky baby who still doesn't sleep through the night.

I find no joy, no pleasure and no love being a mother. I can't sleep knowing I must wake up to a crying baby and the same routine of feeding, diapers, baths and bottles. I have become more and more detached from the girl and have nothing to enjoy. Showers are short. Dinners are rushed and usually cold. I can't even enjoy a cup of coffee without looking over my shoulder to see where the girl is. I don't want her to touch me, and I can barely hide my revulsion when I have to pick her up.

I am exhausted beyond belief, and my thoughts are turning darker every day. It's not the girl's fault she was born, but I can't help feeling resentment and anger toward this little person who more and more resembles a block of concrete on my feet.

We can't afford day care, and we have no friends or relatives remotely close by. I can't stand to wake up much longer, and these long stretches of crying have my nerves shot and my hands itching to shake the girl until she shuts up. (I have never shaken her.)

I'm scared of my feelings. What's wrong with me? Why can't I love my child? Should I put her in foster care? My husband can't stand her, either, but he's adamant that we keep her. Yet I'm suffering, and so is she. She deserves a mother who loves her. -- GOING CRAZY IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GOING CRAZY: It is not a crime not to feel maternal -- not everyone is. In a case like yours, adoption might have been the better option. I wish you had included your name, address or a phone number so I could have contacted you directly. Because you didn't, I can only recommend that before another day goes by, you contact the doctor who delivered your daughter, or her pediatrician, and repeat what you have told me. You may be suffering from post-partum depression, a hormonal condition that is treatable, and you may need a respite from motherhood.

Once your chemistry is balanced again, consider making a trip to visit your family for a few weeks. If you leave the baby with your husband, and he must assume responsibility for her care in your absence, he may begin to see the wisdom of placing her with a family who really wants her and is willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with having a baby. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl and a senior in high school this year. I don't have many friends because I have never been part of the "in" crowd, so I am very grateful for the few true friends I have. In particular, I appreciate my friendship with an older man whom I met through my local youth group. He has been my friend and mentor throughout my high school years, and I would like to do something to show my appreciation for his friendship.

What would be an appropriate way to thank him for being my friend and role model? -- THANKFUL FOR FRIENDSHIP IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR THANKFUL: An excellent way to show your appreciation would be to write him a letter telling him what a difference his caring and friendship have made in your life during these important years. It will be something he can keep and enjoy over and over again for a lifetime.

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DEAR READERS: Today's column continues the discussion regarding the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina," who felt that her grandmother was being taken advantage of by her aunt and uncle because she is paying between $600 and $700 rent a month, plus a percentage of household improvements.

"Perturbed" said her parents would like Grandma to live with them rent-free, but were afraid to cause a rift in the family. I told her I didn't think this was something she should be involved in, and that her father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.

Many readers felt I should have responded differently. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer was off the mark. I'm the business manager of a skilled nursing facility. I see firsthand the damage caused by greedy relatives who suck dry the assets of their parents or grandparents, then leave them to be cared for at taxpayers' expense.

If Grandma contributed the money for the daughter's home improvements because she wanted to, that's her right. However, if the payments were required by her daughter as a condition of her residency, it is quite another issue and constitutes exploitation, if not elder abuse.

If the granddaughter or her dad cannot or will not intervene directly, the local office of Adult Protective Services can be contacted to make an assessment of the situation. If elder abuse is determined to be an issue, legal remedies can be instituted to recover any money gained fraudulently, and other living arrangements can be made. -- SUSAN W., LIVINGSTON, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: Same thing happened to my mother! When she could no longer live on her own, my oldest sister had her move in over the objections of my sisters and brother. Our mom needed special care that she did not get -– and after three years of bleeding Mom dry of both money and possessions, my sister moved her into a nursing home. She didn't even leave enough for funeral expenses when the time comes.

Sometimes parents will agree to whatever it takes to stay someplace that's familiar. I say that grandmother should be moved before they fleece the poor thing out of everything she owns. I wish we'd done it for our mother. -- SAD IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: The aunt's constant requests for money may intimidate her mother. Grandma may not be aware that her son would be happy to take her in, and may worry that she'll be thrown out or placed in a nursing home if she refuses.

The next time they visit, "Perturbed" or her father should have a quiet, confidential talk with Grandma to ensure that she's truly happy with the situation, making it clear that they are bad-mouthing no one, but if she does wish to make a change, they would be happy to support her. Alternatively, they might suggest that Grandma might like a change of scene for a while and could stay with them for a few months to see what happens. -- CONCERNED IN THE U.K.

DEAR ABBY: Because of my health I moved from California to live with my daughter and son-in-law two years ago. I pay $250 a month room and board. I, too, have my own room and bath. I also help out by cooking dinner every night, doing laundry and light housework, and driving my teenage grandchildren to and from school.

I pay my own way when we go out, plus my own bills and expenses. I wish I could pay more, but when I say so, they tell me what I contribute is worth far more than money. I think that grandmother is being taken! -- HAPPY IN NEVADA

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DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Perturbed in N. Carolina" (July 20) describing the living arrangements of her grandmother, who has chosen to live with her daughter. The arrangement she has for $600 to $700 a month, plus a few extra items, sounds like a steal to me.

I have taken care of my grandmother ever since my mother's death 16 years ago. Even though my grandmother lives on her own, my wife and I are her means of transportation, health-care coordination, entertainment and emergency calls. This is not easy.

If "Perturbed's" family is so concerned about Grandma's welfare, then why don't they offer Grandma a vacation at their home for two weeks? I bet the aunt would love to have some time alone with her husband and daughter, and it might give "Perturbed's" parents new insight. -- BEEN THERE AND DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: It might, indeed. I must say that the response I received after printing that letter has been all over the map -– and I plan to print two days' worth.

I told "Perturbed" that I didn't think this was a family matter she should be involved with, and that if her parents would like Grandma to live with them, then the father should talk to his mother and extend the offer. But the decision should be his mother's to make, and sometimes mothers feel closer to their daughters than to their sons.

Some who responded to that letter felt strongly I should have responded differently, and I'll print those letters tomorrow. Today we'll hear from respondents with living arrangements similar to those mentioned in the letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud your advice to the granddaughter to stay out of the "where Grandma should live" conflict. Living far away, she has no idea of what goes on in her aunt's house. For that matter, the parents may not have a complete grasp of the situation, either.

When my husband's mother came to live with us, we felt guilty asking her to contribute, but we had to consider several factors. Several major, expensive projects were done to ensure her comfort. Our monthly expenses increased. So did my laundry and kitchen duties because my mother-in-law is physically incapable of sharing any household chores.

I make and serve all her meals. I also help her take showers, supervise her medical care and drive her to all of her appointments. I also must be present during her checkups to be sure she gets the facts straight, and take care of all her insurance problems. I clean her hearing aids and make sure she has the correct batteries, and handle her prescription refills. This is a full-time job for which there are no benefits, no days off and no vacation time.

My husband and I have lost our privacy and freedom, and must arrange our activities around her needs. She refuses to give us a break, such as an occasional respite weekend at an assisted-living facility. I'd like to take her to a senior center one afternoon or two a week. She refuses to do this, too.

My point is: If financial compensation helps to ease the physical and mental stress –- so be it! -- STRESSED OUT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ABBY: We live in a multigenerational household with my 89-year-old grandmother, who also pays rent and is extremely happy to do so. She says it makes her feel more like a contributing member of the household. She doesn't like being dependent on others. We provide all her transportation, prepare her meals, and we all eat together every evening.

This kind of living arrangement is complex, and a lot of people can't handle it. Cohabitation is about much more than money alone. Perhaps that grandma knows that money can't buy happiness, and living in a happy household is worth the money. -- ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY IN OAKLAND, FLA.

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