DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been taking ballroom dance lessons for several years, and we have become fairly good social dancers. (We don't do gymnastics -- we just dance!)

Our question concerns wedding etiquette. When it's obvious that we "out-dance" the members of the wedding party and the other guests, should we limit our dancing to a slow dance or two? We don't want to draw attention away from the bride and groom, but we do want to celebrate with them.

We have heard a lot of positive comments from brides and grooms and guests who enjoy watching us dance, and only a couple of negative comments from other guests. We don't drink; our dancing is good, clean fun. Is there a rule of etiquette regarding dancing at wedding receptions? -- FRED AND GINGER IN COLUMBUS, GA.

DEAR FRED AND GINGER: The rule of etiquette states that it's rude to draw attention away from the bride and groom -- and that would include both a guest's attire and "show-boating" by performing the equivalent of a Las Vegas lounge act during the reception. No one will be offended if you keep it low-key, and that's what I advise.

DEAR ABBY: My sister sleeps in the nude. She feels she should be able to sleep that way when she travels and visits others in their homes. We have just moved from a home large enough to have a guest bedroom to a small condo with no guestroom. I offered to let her sleep with me if she wore pajamas or a gown. She said she could not sleep in any clothing.

Was I wrong to set these terms? Or is she wrong to expect this in other people's homes? -- WORRIED SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: You'll be a better hostess, and she'll be a better guest, if both of you are fully rested. Because your sister is unable to sleep in any clothing, and you are uncomfortable sharing a bed with her unless she does, when your sister comes to visit she should either bring a sleeping bag or make reservations at a hotel or motel nearby.

DEAR ABBY: I am an exchange student in Germany, nearing the end of my stay and going home in a couple of weeks. To express their gratitude to my host family for taking me in, my parents sent them a large package of sweets and candies from America.

My host brother's 14th birthday is coming up. His sister suggested he take the candies my parents sent to school and share them with his class for his birthday. Abby, I was appalled at her suggestion of "regifting" my parents' gift to the family. And I was even more shocked that no one in the family seemed to understand how this could be interpreted as ungrateful and rude.

After she made the suggestion, I interjected, saying that it would be mean to take it to school. They all replied with a surprised "Why?" I later explained to my host sister that I didn't want her brother to take the candies to school. Again I was asked, "Why not?"

What do you think of this behavior? I'm very hurt. It's not the first time I've experienced such thoughtless behavior from them. Is this some strange German custom, or does my host family have a severe lack of etiquette? -- HURT IN HOLSTEIN, GERMANY

DEAR HURT: It is neither. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipients to do with as they wish -– and that includes "sharing the wealth" with others. The concept of sharing the candy was not thoughtless; the impulse was generous, and you overreacted.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Distraught in New Jersey" (7/12), who stated that he was in an abusive relationship for about a year," made himself sound more like the victim than the perpetrator of domestic violence. His comment that he "enrolled in an anger management class" after being arrested for domestic violence also reflects a lack of personal responsibility for his crime. Perpetrators rarely, if ever, voluntarily "enroll" in such programs. They are mandated by the courts.

I also take exception to his use of the term "anger management." Spousal abuse has little to do with stress or anger, and everything to do with significant character flaws and psychopathology. I should note that such men rarely beat anyone but their wives and girlfriends. If their aggression was rooted only in "anger," the violence would be directed at everyone.

The abuser's statement that he wants to personally contact and apologize to his victim, who had a restraining order issued against him, also reflects his denial and manipulative qualities. Battered women seek restraining orders against their assailants because they want protection, not apologies. Restraining orders are also a means by which a victim tells her batterer that the relationship is over.

Domestic violence perpetrators are cunning and often use treatment as a means of manipulating their victims back into a relationship.

"Distraught in New Jersey" needs to understand that the completion of a program, even when the restraining order has expired, does not give him the right to contact the woman he previously victimized. If he does, he could once again find himself in the slammer. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, PROBATION OFFICER, NEW ORLEANS MUNICIPAL COURT

DEAR MICHAEL: Your letter is important, and thank you for writing it as a wake-up call not only to perpetrators of domestic violence, but to victims as well. As you so aptly stated, domestic violence is not about the inability to control one's temper; it is about control over the victim. In the case of "Distraught in New Jersey," if he succeeds in contacting his victim "to apologize," he will be in violation of the terms of his restraining order, and if he does so after it expires, he could be arrested for trespassing or stalking. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a criminal defense attorney who handles domestic violence cases on a regular basis, I must warn "Distraught in New Jersey" not to contact his victim!

The police and the courts take these orders very seriously. If "Distraught" -- or any other reader, for that matter -- is the defendant in a restraining order, he should have not contact in any way, shape or form, with the plaintiff, or he stands a very real chance of being charged criminally.

I have had clients charged for doing something so simple as sending a birthday card, or merely being present at the same high school graduation, as the person who holds the order. Is this unfair? Perhaps, but it is the law and must be obeyed.

So, "Distraught" should complete his counseling, obey the order, and realize the best apology is letting his former girlfriend get on with her life. -- CHRISTOPHER S. TODD, SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR CHRISTOPHER: I couldn't agree more.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who owns a prosperous business. I'll call him "Oscar." Oscar has no clue that one of his employees, "Shirley," is stealing big chunks of money from him.

I feel bad for the friend who is being taken, and also for the person doing the stealing. I know them both well, and if I were to tell him, Oscar would lose both a friend and an employee. Shirley has worked for him for more than a dozen years. Her son and her brother now work for him, too. If I blow the whistle, Shirley could lose her home and other investments.

This could get very ugly, and I don't want to be in the middle. Please tell me what to do. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN PHOENIX

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You were put in the middle the minute you learned about the thefts. You must tell the employer what is going on. To do otherwise makes you an accessory to the crime.

It will then be up to Oscar to decide if he wants to press charges. And please remember that the friendship between Oscar and Shirley ended when she started stealing from him. Friends don't steal from their friends. Opportunists do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which the hostess seated my husband at the main table next to her. She seated me at a far table in the corner, with my back to the dinner guests.

Fortunately, I made easy conversation and had a nice time, but I don't feel like accepting any of her invitations in the future. My husband scarcely noticed and wonders why I might not care to be invited again. May I know your thoughts on how to handle this? -- DIANA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DIANA: When a couple is invited to a dinner party, and the husband is seated next to the hostess, it is customary for his wife to be seated next to the host of the party. By seating you in "Siberia," the hostess demonstrated not only a breach of etiquette, but also how little she cared about your feelings. Explain that to your husband, and perhaps he'll get the message.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever an individual has a face lift, brow lift or eye lift, it is usually said that the person looks 10 -- or whatever -- years younger. I know the person will continue to age, but will she (or he) always look 10 years younger than she would have without surgery, or does the person eventually look just as she would have if she never had a lift?

I asked a cosmetic surgeon this question, but never got a clear answer. Could you help me (and others) have a more realistic idea of what to expect if we choose this route? -- CONTEMPLATING SURGERY IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: I'll try. It is a misconception that plastic surgery guarantees knocking 10 years -- or "whatever" -- off one's countenance. More often what happens is the person looks "rested" or "refreshed" -- the sags and stress lines gone or diminished.

How long the results last can vary according to the patient's genetics and how well he or she takes care of his or her skin. If the person avoids the sun, tobacco, too much alcohol and excessive weight gain, the results of plastic surgery will last longer. But nothing lasts forever -- and that includes anything a person has "lifted."

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