DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who owns a prosperous business. I'll call him "Oscar." Oscar has no clue that one of his employees, "Shirley," is stealing big chunks of money from him.

I feel bad for the friend who is being taken, and also for the person doing the stealing. I know them both well, and if I were to tell him, Oscar would lose both a friend and an employee. Shirley has worked for him for more than a dozen years. Her son and her brother now work for him, too. If I blow the whistle, Shirley could lose her home and other investments.

This could get very ugly, and I don't want to be in the middle. Please tell me what to do. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN PHOENIX

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You were put in the middle the minute you learned about the thefts. You must tell the employer what is going on. To do otherwise makes you an accessory to the crime.

It will then be up to Oscar to decide if he wants to press charges. And please remember that the friendship between Oscar and Shirley ended when she started stealing from him. Friends don't steal from their friends. Opportunists do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at which the hostess seated my husband at the main table next to her. She seated me at a far table in the corner, with my back to the dinner guests.

Fortunately, I made easy conversation and had a nice time, but I don't feel like accepting any of her invitations in the future. My husband scarcely noticed and wonders why I might not care to be invited again. May I know your thoughts on how to handle this? -- DIANA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DIANA: When a couple is invited to a dinner party, and the husband is seated next to the hostess, it is customary for his wife to be seated next to the host of the party. By seating you in "Siberia," the hostess demonstrated not only a breach of etiquette, but also how little she cared about your feelings. Explain that to your husband, and perhaps he'll get the message.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever an individual has a face lift, brow lift or eye lift, it is usually said that the person looks 10 -- or whatever -- years younger. I know the person will continue to age, but will she (or he) always look 10 years younger than she would have without surgery, or does the person eventually look just as she would have if she never had a lift?

I asked a cosmetic surgeon this question, but never got a clear answer. Could you help me (and others) have a more realistic idea of what to expect if we choose this route? -- CONTEMPLATING SURGERY IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CONTEMPLATING: I'll try. It is a misconception that plastic surgery guarantees knocking 10 years -- or "whatever" -- off one's countenance. More often what happens is the person looks "rested" or "refreshed" -- the sags and stress lines gone or diminished.

How long the results last can vary according to the patient's genetics and how well he or she takes care of his or her skin. If the person avoids the sun, tobacco, too much alcohol and excessive weight gain, the results of plastic surgery will last longer. But nothing lasts forever -- and that includes anything a person has "lifted."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from "Shannon in Houston" (6/25), the mother who thinks it's inappropriate for her 11-year-old son to tell his girlfriend he loves her. I agree with your answer, and would like to point out that love at such a young age is devoid of the ulterior motives of more mature love: It's not physical, and it's not social or money-driven. It is untainted love, love for love's sake.

Besides, children learn to love by being loved themselves. That mother must have done something right, as her young son knows how to give someone love -- a skill many people never acquire during their lifetime. -- LOVING MOM OF LOVING SONS

DEAR LOVING MOM: Point well taken. I firmly believe children are able to feel love for each other -- because I was one of them. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You ran a letter from a mom who felt that her 11-year-old son couldn't know what love is. While it may be true for some kids, it's not true for all. Parents should let their kids develop emotionally, not belittle their feelings.

I fell in love with a boy in my class when I was about that age. Those feelings remained throughout grade school and high school. He was the first love of my life, and I'll always have special feelings for him -- even though it has been years since I last saw him.

Even if the girl doesn't turn out to be her daughter-in-law, these relationships will prepare her son to be the man he will one day become. -- CASSIE IN GRESHAM, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: That mother missed an important teaching moment, an important milestone in her son's life. She should have validated his feelings because children do feel deeply. When my daughter was in love for the first time at 13, we talked about what love means. It means wanting only the best for the other person. You care about the safety and welfare of that person and always treat him (or her) with kindness and respect. You would never encourage someone you love to do anything unlawful, dangerous or harmful. And you will know he loves you if he feels this way about you.

I repeated the same litany as she was growing up. My daughter is now 22, and still talks to me about her romances and almost everything else. -- BEEN-THERE MOM, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: I am now 91. You gave that mother the right advice. I wish someone had told my mother the same. She scoffed at my "puppy love," but it has endured -- just as Charles Schulz in his "Peanuts" strip never forgot his "little red-headed girl."

Eighty years have passed since I fell in love with Margaret Ruprect back in Dubuque, Iowa. I can still remember her golden hair shining in the sun and her laughter. I only got to kiss her once, but I'll never, ever forget her. If she's still living, I hope she sees this and knows I still love her. -- BOB C., ATASCADERO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to address my comments to "Shannon in Houston." I am confused. What are the most frequent words you say to your child? "I love you," again and again. You show your son your love every day. But as soon as he professes love for someone outside the family, you tell him "he's too young to understand what love is."

How can that possibly be true, if he has been raised in a loving family? -- JOANN J., TAMPA, FLA.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and have a complicated problem. My mother, whom I love very much and who is one of the most wonderful women ever, has, at 41, found herself in a very difficult situation.

She recently confided to me that her marriage of almost 12 years to my stepfather has been extremely unsatisfactory -- especially in the bedroom. He has absolutely no interest in the deed at all, and, as a normal, red-blooded woman, she does.

I suggested they seek professional guidance, but they have yet to do so. To further confuse the situation, Mom has found herself attracted to a 28-year-old co-worker who is also very attracted to her and has made his feelings known.

I am not sure how to advise her about this. On the one hand, it's wrong to have an affair. But on the other hand, you only get one life, and I want her to be happy. Mom is a wonderful woman and deserves everything good in life, and I don't know what to tell her. Please help, Abby. -- IN A HOT SPOT IN TUCSON

DEAR IN A HOT SPOT: Your mother may be a "wonderful woman," but it was extremely inappropriate of her to try to involve you in her sex life. Please don't give this your blessing, or the person who will get the blame for it later is YOU.

Tell her again that she needs to resolve this problem with her husband and a marriage counselor. It's the mature way of handling the kind of problem she's dealing with.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I are throwing a large 40th anniversary/60th birthday party for my parents and sending them on a trip as our gift to them.

In lieu of gifts, my sister sent out invitations that stated we would instead be graciously accepting donations to help pay for the trip. Because the range of donations will vary from person to person, my sister has decided to give Mother a list detailing the amount given by each guest. She feels that because some folks may go "above and beyond" what others donate, our mother needs to know who the most generous gifts come from.

I am vehemently opposed to the idea. I feel that any donation that helps to pay for the trip is "above and beyond" anyone's obligation, and that their being part of the celebration is enough -- regardless of how much they give.

I see no reason for my parents ever to know who gives what, and think that my sister sharing the information is in terrible taste. Your thoughts, please? -- EMBARRASSED IN PITTSFORD, N.Y.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: If the party and trip are a gift from you and your sister, I am mystified as to why the guests are asked to make contributions to foot the bill. I agree that any donation that will help to pay for the trip is above and beyond anyone's "obligation," and for your sister to give your parents an accounting of what each guest forks over would be tacky in the extreme.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine from work and her family are from Romania. They moved to the United States nine years ago. She, her husband and son have all just become U.S. citizens. I am happy for them and proud to know them.

I would like to get them a gift in celebration, and I'm not sure what would be appropriate. Could you suggest something that you think would work? I'd appreciate any input you would give. -- PROUD OF MY FRIEND, BROWNTOWN, WIS.

DEAR PROUD: How about giving them an American flag?

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