DEAR ABBY: My niece is stationed with the Air Force and she never writes to me. My mom hears from her at least once a week, and when I ask about "Nicole," she says, "Oh, she doesn't say much."

Well, the other day, I happened to talk to my niece's stepdad, and he told me that Nicole got married two months ago to some guy who's a jerk, and that he has been deployed to Iraq. My mother knew all about it and never told me! That really ticks me off.

Mom has always been that way -- sometimes out and out lying about things. She's also the stingiest person I know. I think this is the last straw. Do you think I should stop speaking to her?

We were never close. She has always preferred my sister and brother over me and made it quite clear that she did. I'm a middle-aged woman, but I still smart when I think of the way she has treated me. Don't suggest therapy, because I am in therapy. -- FURIOUS IN KANSAS CITY, MO.

DEAR FURIOUS: Try to calm down. If you were not notified about the wedding, it may not have been an occasion that your niece and her parents were "celebrating." It may also not last -- which is why your mother may have wanted to keep it quiet.

You are in therapy; your anger at your mother is something that you should be discussing with your therapist. And because your mother has always treated you as someone "less than" your siblings, perhaps it would be better for you both if you took a break from her for a while -- at least until you and your therapist figure out what it is you really need to say to her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 33, have a great job, a good head on my shoulders, and I am in love. My boyfriend of a year and a half, "Steve," just told me he loves me and wants me in his life –- but he does not want children.

Abby, two weeks after we met, I told Steve that within the next five years I wanted marriage and a child. He said if things went well, he saw no problem with it. Steve was unemployed for a year, but he recently found a new job and his prospects look good. He still suffers a bit from depression related to the unemployment, but he's always treated me like gold.

My birthday was two weeks ago, and I was somewhat depressed about it. A week later, he hit me with this. I realized we'd reached an impasse, and because I thought I was being rejected, I said goodbye to Steve the next day. He was dumbfounded that I left, and it's killing us both. I appreciate his honesty, but I really want a child before I am 40. Not having a child would tear me apart when I'm older.

Steve is still calling, wanting to work it out, but he isn't relenting on his stance. I refuse to see him until he changes his mind. He did offer, "Let's try it for six months and see if I change my mind," but that's just postponing the inevitable. I love Steve with all my heart. What should I do? -- LET DOWN IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR LET DOWN: Talk to Steve and see if he can explain the reason for his hard-line stance regarding children. It may have something to do with his long period of unemployment, which can shake the confidence of anyone, regardless of gender.

If he is afraid he can't live up to the financial responsibility of parenthood, it's possible the two of you could reach some agreement because you are not financially dependent on him. If it's something else, counseling might resolve the problem. However, if it doesn't, you and he will know you did everything you could to try to work things out, and you can go your separate ways with fewer regrets.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and have recently quit my job of six years to return to college full time. My husband is working and supporting both of us for the next two years. We always paid for everything equally and shared household responsibilities, until now.

My question is, now that I am not "working," should I be expected to do all the housework, laundry, cooking, taking out the garbage, paying our bills, etc.? This is what the situation is right now.

Whenever I start to get annoyed or think about mentioning anything to my husband about sharing these duties, I remind myself how generous he is being. I would feel guilty if I said anything, since he is footing all the bills. Yet I am starting to resent being the maid. What do you think? -- LISA IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR LISA: The problem with harboring resentment is that it builds until the dam bursts, and then it is usually expressed inappropriately. In a sense, you and your husband are both "working." Therefore, I strongly recommend that you and he have an adult conversation about the household chores, and what a fair division of labor would be. He sounds like a doll, and I'm sure you can reach a fair agreement.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old. My brother, "Chris," died a month ago at the age of 16. He was killed by a drunk driver.

I would like to talk about the good times Chris and I had together, but people avoid the subject. If I bring it up, they either make an excuse to walk away or change the subject. Even my mom and dad won't talk about him! I know they're uncomfortable, but it makes me feel like no one cared about Chris.

Sometimes I get really depressed about it and almost suicidal. I am seeing a counselor, but it's not the same talking to a counselor as to your friend. How do I deal with these people? -- GRIEVING SISTER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING SISTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm sure that being able to talk about your brother would make it easier to deal with the feelings you have about his death. However, your parents may be in too much pain themselves right now to talk about it without breaking down. And your friends may feel unable to handle the emotions you are experiencing.

Please tell your therapist that you would like him or her to recommend a grief support group that you can join. In these groups, everyone has suffered a loss –- and if you are willing to listen to them, they will also listen to you. It's not the same as confiding in your contemporaries, but you may find that you will make friends within the group.

DEAR ABBY: In replying to "Unofficial Stepmom in Texas" you concluded, "If you want to teach the children good morals and values, the way to do it is to stop nagging, set a good example, and refrain from making nasty comments about their 'trashy' mother."

Abby, that woman needs to heed the words of George Bernard Shaw: "If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example." -- ARTHUR IN MEMPHIS

DEAR ARTHUR: Well said. George Bernard Shaw was not only a wit, he was a very wise man. And so are you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old single mom with a 5-year-old daughter. I have been seeing "Rhett," a wonderful, sweet man, for more than a year. I have fallen very much in love with him and he with me -- I think.

Ever since Rhett met my daughter, all the fun, romantic, serious stuff we used to talk about has flown out the window. Anytime I try to talk sexy or serious about our relationship, he acts uncomfortable and changes the subject to my daughter and how she's doing in school, what her interests are, how she's feeling, etc.

This may sound selfish, but I miss the "us" conversations Rhett and I used to have. I am a mother 24/7. I want my romance back! But I'm afraid if I broach the subject, I'll sound jealous.

I am thrilled that Rhett loves my daughter and I know, since he has never had kids, this is a novelty. But it's like the romance has turned into a relationship that's centered exclusively on my daughter. Of course, I want his concern and help in rearing her, but something tells me this isn't normal. Help! -- NOT SELFISH IN GEORGIA

DEAR NOT SELFISH: The "something" that's telling you his behavior isn't normal is your intuition. Please pay attention to your feelings because they are trying to convey something important.

By all means, raise the subject with Rhett, and don't beat around the bush. As it stands your romance is dead in the water. He may have hang-ups about being romantically involved with a woman who has given birth -- or his preoccupation with your daughter could be sexual.

P.S. If your daughter has not already been made aware of the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, she is old enough now.

DEAR ABBY: I am 86 years old. My husband died six months ago, after 60 wonderful years of marriage.

As I have been mourning and reliving our life together, my 50-year-old daughter -- my only child -- has informed me that when she was a teenager her father molested her often and raped her one week before her marriage "so she wouldn't be inexperienced," he said. She told me the molestation went on for two years before the rape. (She married at 18.)

Why did she have to tell me now? She says it is because she could no longer stand me talking about how "wonderful" he was. Now my heart is broken, and all I want to do is die.

Why would someone want to ruin your memories after all this time? Wouldn't it have been better to have left me with my illusion than ruin what life I have left? -- HEARTBROKEN IN DENVER

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Better for whom? Your daughter has already tried to answer your question. After all those years of keeping quiet, what broke the camel's back was listening to you idealize your husband. What I don't understand is why your daughter kept silent so long, when she should have told you what was happening when she was 16 -- or told the police what happened when she was 18.

Please don't think I'm heartless, but you and your daughter will both be better off if you try to see your husband as less of a saint and more of a fallible human being, and forgive each other.

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