DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 40s. She has four children, including me. I am married and have two children of my own. Still living at home are my brother, 17, a sister, 14, and the 1-year-old baby, "Michelle." Michelle is from another guy.

Mom purposely got pregnant, knowing that "Tom" didn't want a child. Needless to say, they are no longer together, and Tom has nothing to do with Michelle. Mom is having problems with my brother and sister. They choose not to listen and have been in trouble with the law.

My mom is no longer working. She spends her days with the baby. She recently let slip that she wishes she could just die. She wants to commit suicide because she is just so depressed. No work, no child care, the kids don't listen, and she just isn't getting anywhere.

She said the only reason she won't do it is because she doesn't want to leave me with the burden of caring for her baby. I'm attending college, my husband works, and my girls are in school.

I didn't know what to say, and Mom has now turned to alcohol. She's a great mother; she just has her hands full. I don't know if she knows she has a drinking problem, and I don't want to say it because I know she'll take offense. My little sister is not in any danger, but what can I do or say to help my mom? Oh, yes, I support my little sister already -- diapers, clothing and love. Please help me. -- DAUGHTER IN SANTA MARIA, CALIF.

DEAR DAUGHTER: When people start talking about ending their lives, that's the time to see they get medical and psychological attention. I don't know your mother, but she could be suffering from post-partum depression. (She could also simply be overwhelmed right now.) The first step in getting help for your mother is to get her to an internist or family practitioner. If she doesn't have one, then her OB/GYN would be a good place to start.

If she can't handle your brother, then perhaps he should stay with his father for a while, or some other older male in the family. If that's not feasible because he's already in trouble with the law, he may need to be made a ward of the court. Not pleasant -- but better than a life of crime begun as a teenager.

Once your mother's depression is under control, she may be less inclined to drink her troubles away. But if she continues drowning her sorrows, then Alcoholics Anonymous could help her. But only when she's ready to admit she has a problem. (They're in the phone book.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman for the last two years. We are trying to make it permanent, but we have one sticking point. She has several men friends, some from past relationships, that she still sees casually. She insists on spending weekends alone with them, either at their home or at her summer house in the country.

I feel this is inappropriate for someone in a serious relationship. She says I "don't trust her," and we cannot have a relationship unless I get over this attitude. Is she right? Am I being unreasonable? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: Not in my opinion. And I wonder how this "wonderful woman" would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

While I see nothing wrong with old friends -- and even people who were once romantic -- sharing a meal together once in a while, I draw the line at weekends alone together. But then again, I'm not in favor of "open" relationships, either. My advice to you is to rethink making this relationship permanent.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was recently informed by the parent of a close friend of my 8-year-old daughter, "Emma," that Emma had been "beating up" her daughter. When we confronted Emma about it, she admitted it but could not explain why. Emma has also been verbally abusive to the girl, putting her down or stopping her in mid-sentence to constantly "correct" her.

Abby, Emma's a straight-A student, loved by all of her other friends, their parents, her teachers, our pastor, etc. She's involved in theater, sings, dances, ice skates competitively, cheerleads, races motocross and plays piano. She is very well-behaved at home, and we have no trouble with her. I just don't understand what's going on. When I ask her, she doesn't have an explanation, but truly feels bad for hurting her friend.

The girls are no longer allowed to be friends. This is damaging for us parents because we were all very close and did a lot together. We camped, fished, hung out, etc. Help! What do I do? -- CLUELESS IN ESCONDIDO

DEAR CLUELESS: Children sometimes pick on other children they perceive as weaker. Some do it out of anger; others do it simply because they "can." Your daughter may have done it because she is overscheduled, and her friend was the only thing in her life she could control.

I'm not sure it is realistic of you to expect your 8-year-old to completely understand why she has acted out against someone who is supposed to be a friend in this way. But I'll bet a child psychologist could provide some insight -- and also help you teach your daughter that there are more appropriate and effective ways of dealing with her emotions than victimizing someone who can't fight back.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has had a "best friend" for many years. "Joan" has had many problems in her life that Mom has seen her through. Joan has helped my mother through some rough times, too, particularly through the death of my father 10 years ago.

Joan can sometimes be very difficult to be around because she constantly seeks attention and tends to become rather dramatic. She seems to take pleasure in the idea she has it worse than anyone else.

A few weeks ago, Joan, who is a massage therapist, was giving a massage to my best friend, "Becky." Becky later informed me that during the 45-minute massage, Joan bad-mouthed my mother and disclosed some personal problems that Mom has confided to Joan.

Should I tell my mom about this? It would crush her if I do; my mom has been through some big changes and isn't exactly emotionally stable at the moment. But I can't let Joan go around bad-mouthing my mom, her supposed "friend."

Should I tell my mother that Joan is leaking personal information about her to other people? Or should I confront Joan? -- OUTRAGED IN SAN ANGELO, TEXAS

DEAR OUTRAGED: Do not fight this battle for your mother. She needs to be told that she's pouring out her heart into a leaky vessel. However, because she is "not exactly stable," you will have to find a way to do it in a manner that won't roil the waters.

The first thing to do is to cool your outrage so you don't cause your mother to overreact. Then find a way to do it with humor. "You know, Mom, we both know that Joan isn't the sharpest tool in the shed ..." Once your mother stops providing Joan with information, she'll have nothing to talk about.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I want to thank you for an article you wrote that my mother kept for my nephew. Because of it, my 13-year-old son is now cured from bed-wetting. You had mentioned Hargitt House Foundation for helping children who wet the bed. Well, after only nine weeks, my son is dry! He can now enjoy going to sleep-overs when he was too embarrassed to go anywhere overnight.

My sanity has returned. You don't know how angry I felt to wake up to all those urine-soaked sheets every morning. I know I should not have gotten angry with him, but when you are frustrated every day, it wears on you. I know it wasn't his fault or anything that he did wrong. I feel so guilty for treating him as if it were.

My son is truly a different child now. They changed his diet, he is more rested, and he is joyful and pleasant to be around. Thanks so much to you and to Hargitt House for allowing my son to have his self-esteem back. -- TRACEY IN TEXAS

DEAR TRACEY: Thank you for your complimentary letter, but the letter to which you are referring appeared in my late aunt Ann Landers' column in 1994 or 1995. I am pleased, however, to offer the Hargitt House Foundation as a resource to my readers.

Bed-wetting is a problem that is shared by children and adults worldwide, and members of both sexes. Its sufferers come from all races and socioeconomic classes, and yet it is something that is rarely discussed -- a deep, dark "family secret" kept behind closed doors. Bed-wetters often suffer from low self-esteem and an overwhelming sense of shame. And tragically, some children are abused because of it.

The Hargitt House Foundation has helped many children and their parents overcome the problem of bed-wetting. For more information about its program, write: The Hargitt House Foundation, P.O. Box 130342, The Woodlands, TX 77393; on the Web, visit www.hargitthousefoundation.com, or e-mail info@hargitthousefoundation.com.

DEAR ABBY: Until recently, I lived happily in my apartment complex. All that changed when some neighbors moved in. "Greg" and his girlfriend, "Suzy," smoke what I believe is marijuana. I let the landlord know, and she had a talk with them. Of course they denied everything and swore that they do not smoke anything in their room. The landlord then spoke to me and said there is not much he can do about the problem.

Abby, the smell is terrible. My closet abuts the area in which they smoke, and my clothing is permeated. People have asked me if I smoke dope. I tell them I don't, and leave it at that.

My concern is that I will be working for a school district soon and I'm afraid my colleagues may think the same thing, and it will put me in a bad light with the school administration. My neighbors smoke 24/7, and I don't know what other options I have. My landlord says they have to be caught in the act. Have you any advice? Please keep this strictly anonymous because I'm afraid of retribution. -- SMOKED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR SMOKED OUT: Your landlord copped out. Because your neighbors are smoking "24/7," they could be using something stronger than marijuana. Pick up the phone and notify the police about your problem. Because the stench has traveled through the walls (or vents), it's time the matter was properly investigated and a stop is put to it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)