DEAR ABBY: What is your take on these two similar situations? We were recently invited to attend a surprise birthday party for a man in his late 40s. We were all to meet at a lovely restaurant. Somehow he found out the day before and called each guest, saying he had "other plans and the party is off." (A blatant excuse.)

How about another grown man, my neighbor? I had invited his family over for a small, casual dinner at my home on his birthday. Immediately upon entering, he saw the cake, said, "I don't celebrate my birthday!" slammed the door and left. He didn't even say "thanks anyway."

Is this considered normal behavior? I was trying to show his daughter -- my goddaughter -- that you "receive by giving," but it sure backfired. I wasn't trying to embarrass him, just show him that we love him.

I will keep my opinions about these men to myself. Let's just say, I'm still shaking my head. -- NEVER AGAIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEVER AGAIN: A birthday party is not a command performance. You have described two individuals who have "birthday party issues." They probably have good reasons for them, and they are entitled to their feelings.

The first man called the party off in enough time so that he did not inconvenience any of the guests. As to your neighbor, his response was both immature and ungracious. One would think that his daughter or his wife would have warned you about how strongly he felt about birthday celebrations. For them to have allowed the situation to go as far as it did was wrong.

Please do not take what happened too personally. And in the future, if you plan a birthday celebration, try to discreetly find out if one would be welcomed.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated 1,200 miles away from my family because of my husband's work. I haven't seen my mother since last September. My brother is having his 40th birthday, and Mother called my husband and begged him to let me come. Because I don't work, I don't like to ask my husband for vacation money for myself alone. He told her I could go.

My daughters, however, are having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm taking a trip without them. They are 16 and 10, and have their father and grandmother to look after them while I'm gone. Of course, my husband's mother didn't like the fact that I'd be gone for a week. She's afraid she'll have to do something for one of them in my absence. (She does nothing all week but shop.)

My girls can take care of themselves, and my 10-year-old will be supervised by my 16-year-old and her father. I am just upset that I'm getting flak about going to see my mother. It has been almost a year! What can I say to my children to make them feel better about Mom taking a trip without them? -- FEELING GUILTY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: For heaven's sake, stop allowing them to make you feel guilty! It will only lessen your enjoyment of the family reunion. Tell your daughters goodbye, you'll see them in one week, and when you do, you'll bring them back a nice present.

Children tend to be self-centered creatures, so stop expecting them to think more about you than themselves right now. They will survive, trust me. And the respite will be good for all of you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an outdoorsman with 20-plus years of experience in backpacking and camping. I'm very happy that the woman I'm planning to marry enjoys these activities with me, but she has very little experience.

Last Christmas, she bought a tent for us to use on our outdoor adventures, knowing that I was shopping around and comparing models and trying to find the perfect one. She was very excited to see me tear off the wrapping paper, and I truly appreciate her affection and effort. However, the tent she purchased is much too heavy and bulky to use for backpacking.

We are young and have modest incomes, and we both value thriftiness, so should I ask her to return the tent and purchase one that would be more suitable for our adventures? Or should I keep quiet, purchase the lightweight tent that I desire, and use her gift just when she and I are traveling together on less demanding outings? How can I get the tent I need without dampening her enthusiasm for outdoor activities? -- OUTDOORSMAN IN LOVE

DEAR OUTDOORSMAN: Explain that you love her for wanting to surprise you, but some things are better selected together -- such as wedding rings and houses. I am almost positive that she'll understand your logic if you put it that way. However, if she doesn't, then pack up the tent and suggest that the two of you take a short hike together with HER carrying it.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to ask your advice on how to deal with a dear friend of many years. She informed my husband and me last week that she is pregnant "accidentally" for the second time by a man she doesn't want to be with.

She spent several hours crying and looking for support and advice from me, but I am not sure how to give it. You see, after two miscarriages last year, my husband and I are trying very hard to conceive again. I am taking progesterone and going through a huge mental and physical struggle to have a child, and it is difficult for me to console her in her pregnancy complaints and upset over the circumstances of her condition (for the second time!).

I just want to cry out to her that I would give my right arm to have the child she is carrying. She knows my situation, and I have tried to tell her how hard this is for me. I am not sure how to save my sanity and still be a friend to her. Please help! -- HURTING IN WRIGHTSVILLE, PA.

DEAR HURTING: Your friend's egocentricity is shocking under the circumstances. If she had any empathy for your situation, she would not have sought out your shoulder to cry on. Because I can't "fix" her, the best advice I can offer is to tell her exactly what you have told me. If she's going to remain your friend, she needs to hear it.

DEAR ABBY: My godparents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary soon. However, one of them is suffering from Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home.

I would like to send a care package to honor their special day, but I don't know what to include since the Alzheimer's patient can't use many of the things some elderly people might enjoy. Any suggestions? -- DEVOTED GODCHILD

DEAR DEVOTED: I am sure that if you created an album of special memories for the couple, it would be deeply appreciated. Also, some tapes or CDs of music from "their era" -- the '40s, '50s and '60s -- might bring them both pleasure.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My youngest daughter, "Liza," is going through a divorce that has turned ugly, with her soon-to-be ex, "Dick," choking and threatening to kill her.

The problem is, my oldest daughter, "Mimi," has remained in contact with Dick. She claims she doesn't want her children "to suffer the loss of an uncle they really love." Mimi had promised Liza she would no longer speak to Dick, but when Liza went to her former home to pick up some personal items, she saw on the caller ID that Mimi had been calling there several times a week.

Liza is devastated and feels Mimi has betrayed her. When she called Mimi to discuss it, Mimi refused. Liza then announced that she would never speak to Mimi again.

I feel that Mimi did betray Liza, but I had hoped there would be further communication. Mimi is now avoiding me.

There have been other sticky situations in the past when Mimi has deprived family members -- including me -- from seeing her children as a means of punishment.

I am at a loss. I feel supportive of Liza because I know she really needs me and is being subjected to problems of all kinds from all sides. -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER IN OHIO

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: What a mess. You have my sympathy. However, Liza may have jumped to the wrong conclusion when she spotted Mimi's number on Dick's caller ID. Caller ID registers the number the call was made from and to whom that number is registered. It does not necessarily reveal the identity of the caller. Rather than Mimi calling, it might have been one or more of her children wanting to talk to "an uncle they really love."

One thing is clear. There is trouble between your daughters. Whether it's recent, or the ill feelings go all the way back to their childhood, you'd be better served to let "the girls" work it out between themselves than to allow yourself to be put in the middle. You can't be their referee forever. You're all adults now, and it's time they resolve their own conflicts without dragging you into it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in love with "Jordan" for three years. I know he loves me, too. My problem is I am not sure where Jordan leaves off and I begin. He is older -- 27 -- and I almost feel like I haven't had a chance to become my own person.

My dilemma is that I'm afraid if I leave him and venture out on my own, I might lose him forever. I don't want to make a mistake. I am also afraid that if I leave him and meet someone, and it doesn't work out -- I'll be left all alone. Please tell me what to do. Everyone I ask has a different opinion. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN GREENVILLE, TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: As risky as it may seem now, take a break from Jordan. You didn't mention whether you are still in school. If you are, tell Jordan that you need time to concentrate on your studies and get involved with campus life. It's the truth. If you are not, then consider taking some classes to further your education and help you develop independently.

Before making a lifetime commitment to anyone, it is imperative to have established some independence both emotionally and financially. If your romance is so fragile that a little time apart will destroy it, then it wasn't strong enough to begin with.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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