DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old female. I have been dating this guy I'll call "Louie" for more than two years. He never told me he had anyone else. But one day he let it slip that he had been living with this woman, "Grace," for more than 10 years.

I'm not the type to break up a home. Had I known, I never would have dated him. By the time I found out, I was in love with Louie, and he said he felt the same about me.

I never knew exactly where Louie lived or had his home phone number, but I did have his cell phone number. Whenever I'd call, it was either turned off or he wouldn't answer. Finally, I called information and got his home number, but I have never used it.

Now, two years later, we have a child together. None of his family members know about our little girl. He says he does not want anyone to know right now -- especially Grace. He says she would leave him, take half his belongings and sue him for alimony.

He has given me less than $360 in child support since I gave birth. Louie says if I sue him for child support, things will get nasty. He says he will make my life a living hell. I hardly ever see him anymore. What is a woman supposed to do? I think he's afraid of Grace. I want to sue him for child support, and I have the papers filled out and sealed, but haven't mailed them yet for fear of what Louie might do. Please help me. -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: By now, I hope you realize that the father of your child is married. There were many flashing red lights in your romance with Louie -- the first ones being that you didn't know where he lived and his unwillingness to give you a working phone number. That's when you should have refused to become further involved.

I urge you to mail the papers you have filled out to the court TODAY. Do it for your little girl, because it's the only way her deadbeat father will meet his obligations to her. Do not be surprised when Louie pretends to be the injured party. During this entire time he has thought only about himself. Also, because he has threatened you, you need a lawyer to advise you. You may have to go to the police to make sure his threats are on record. It's a first step to getting a restraining order should you need one.

DEAR ABBY: For the last year I have been involved with a lovely woman who has been separated from her husband for two years. Although she seems to care a lot for me and my son, she has not yet accepted my proposal of marriage.

Her husband comes around several times a month to do work around the house and even balances her checkbook for her. They own several pieces of property together and both have good incomes.

I have expressed my concern about what is keeping her from going ahead with a divorce. She claims she's waiting for her husband to file -- and he's not ready yet! I say they're both hanging on to each other because neither of them is ready to move on with their lives. Should I wait? Or should I give up and hope to meet someone who is available for a nice guy who has a lot of love to share? -- PATIENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR PATIENT: Your lady friend may be separated, but she sounds very married to me. If she were in love with you, she would have already gone ahead with her divorce. My advice to you is to move on. At the rate this romance is going, you could wait forever.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a question that you've probably never been asked before. Is there a dress code regarding "proper attire" for a funeral?

Most everyone has worn black at most of the funerals I have attended. I don't particularly like black, however. I prefer bright colors, so that's what I have chosen to wear.

Why is it that this so-called tradition is so entrenched that no one wants to break it? -- WONDERING IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR WONDERING: In the United States, black is generally considered the color of mourning. When someone attends a funeral, it is either to pay respect to the deceased or to show support for the grieving family. At a time like this, it is considered improper to draw attention to yourself. That is the reason most people forgo bright colors and instead wear colors that are muted or subdued unless instructed otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. For many years, my parents have not been able to care for their children. They are barely able to take care of themselves. I am the oldest child and have helped to raise my younger brother and sisters.

My youngest sister is 16, and in a couple of weeks will be marrying her boyfriend so that she'll have a place to live. (They will live with his parents after the ceremony.) I don't think this is right, but the family thinks it will be a good learning experience for her and will make her grow up faster.

I am torn because I don't feel that marriage should be used as a "lesson" to a teenager. I know with some people the marriage can last for years, but I'm afraid she will become a divorce statistic and that she's ruining any chance for living as a regular, normal teenager. What are your thoughts on this? -- JENNIFER IN UTICA, N.Y.

DEAR JENNIFER: Your concerns are valid. Your sister is marrying for the wrong reason, and most young women who do it find they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. If there is a chance she might listen to you, please discourage her from taking this path. It is important that she complete her education and experience independence before marrying. If your parents can no longer shelter your sister, foster care or staying with a relative might be a better option than the "marriage" she's planning.

P.S. Are YOU able to take her in?

DEAR ABBY: My grandchild's mother -- she and my son were never married -- is being married soon. My wife and I have been invited to the wedding.

Must we attend? Our son will not be in attendance. All we would really want is to see our granddaughter, but we know we would have very little time with her at the wedding. We would prefer to send a nice gift, and use the time and money to visit at a different time so we can spend time with our granddaughter and visit our son.

What do you think we should do? -- MISSING OUR GRANDDAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISSING: Because your finances are limited, and your grandchild will understandably be distracted at the time of the wedding, I agree that you should send a nice gift with your good wishes to the mother and visit your grandchild at a later date.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman with three beautiful children. For the past eight years, I lived with a man I care for very much, "Rick," who is an alcoholic.

Two years ago, I decided to take the children and move to China, teaching English and learning Chinese. The experience has been fabulous.

Rick has been at home, keeping house and drinking. Now that I am away from him, I realize how miserable I was, living with him and his disease. We will be returning to the United States in a couple of months, back to our house, back to Rick and back to his excessive drinking. I no longer want to watch him get drunk every night. I have told him how I feel, and he has promised to stop drinking, but I've heard that story before, and I don't believe him.

Rick has been waiting for us and is eagerly expecting us to resume our lives, but I don't believe he can even make it to the airport sober to pick us up. How can I resolve this from here? Or should I wait to get back? -- CONFUSED IN CHINA

DEAR CONFUSED: I don't know how Rick behaves when he's under the influence, but if there is any suspicion in your mind that he might retaliate by trashing your home and belongings, then you'd be wise to wait until you get home to deal with him.

He could surprise you and be sober when you return. But if he is not, you have given him fair warning, and you can insist that he leave with a clear conscience.

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman I'll call "Maria." My problem is, although she makes me happy, and it thrills me to hear that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she kids me about breaking up on a regular basis. Sometimes it'll be a simple, "We're over! Oh -- just kidding," or, "We're done! I need a new man -- just kidding."

This humor of hers hurts a lot. She justifies it by saying that I don't have a sense of humor and that I take things too seriously. Abby, I love Maria with all my heart, and I want to have a future with her. But it hurts every time she does this. What should I do? -- ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.

DEAR ETHAN: Because your girlfriend is such a "kidder," how about testing her sense of humor? The next time she announces the relationship is over, agree with her. Say, "Yup! It's over!" If she can dish it out, she should be prepared to take it. However, if she can't, it's time you two had a serious discussion about passive-aggressive behavior -- because if you have told her that her teasing is painful and she persists, that is what she's engaging in.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell your relatives' children not to ride bikes or play in your yard? We have a beautiful yard, but are very concerned about lawsuits. -- IN A DELICATE POSITION, PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DELICATE: If you are concerned that the children will destroy your yard, then tell the children -- and their parents -- exactly that. However, if you're worried about being sued if the children should hurt themselves on your property, then ask the parents to sign a release for your insurance agent to keep on file. I'm sure it will get their attention -- and it should.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)