DEAR ABBY: I have a question that you've probably never been asked before. Is there a dress code regarding "proper attire" for a funeral?

Most everyone has worn black at most of the funerals I have attended. I don't particularly like black, however. I prefer bright colors, so that's what I have chosen to wear.

Why is it that this so-called tradition is so entrenched that no one wants to break it? -- WONDERING IN EAU CLAIRE, WIS.

DEAR WONDERING: In the United States, black is generally considered the color of mourning. When someone attends a funeral, it is either to pay respect to the deceased or to show support for the grieving family. At a time like this, it is considered improper to draw attention to yourself. That is the reason most people forgo bright colors and instead wear colors that are muted or subdued unless instructed otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I need your help. For many years, my parents have not been able to care for their children. They are barely able to take care of themselves. I am the oldest child and have helped to raise my younger brother and sisters.

My youngest sister is 16, and in a couple of weeks will be marrying her boyfriend so that she'll have a place to live. (They will live with his parents after the ceremony.) I don't think this is right, but the family thinks it will be a good learning experience for her and will make her grow up faster.

I am torn because I don't feel that marriage should be used as a "lesson" to a teenager. I know with some people the marriage can last for years, but I'm afraid she will become a divorce statistic and that she's ruining any chance for living as a regular, normal teenager. What are your thoughts on this? -- JENNIFER IN UTICA, N.Y.

DEAR JENNIFER: Your concerns are valid. Your sister is marrying for the wrong reason, and most young women who do it find they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. If there is a chance she might listen to you, please discourage her from taking this path. It is important that she complete her education and experience independence before marrying. If your parents can no longer shelter your sister, foster care or staying with a relative might be a better option than the "marriage" she's planning.

P.S. Are YOU able to take her in?

DEAR ABBY: My grandchild's mother -- she and my son were never married -- is being married soon. My wife and I have been invited to the wedding.

Must we attend? Our son will not be in attendance. All we would really want is to see our granddaughter, but we know we would have very little time with her at the wedding. We would prefer to send a nice gift, and use the time and money to visit at a different time so we can spend time with our granddaughter and visit our son.

What do you think we should do? -- MISSING OUR GRANDDAUGHTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISSING: Because your finances are limited, and your grandchild will understandably be distracted at the time of the wedding, I agree that you should send a nice gift with your good wishes to the mother and visit your grandchild at a later date.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman with three beautiful children. For the past eight years, I lived with a man I care for very much, "Rick," who is an alcoholic.

Two years ago, I decided to take the children and move to China, teaching English and learning Chinese. The experience has been fabulous.

Rick has been at home, keeping house and drinking. Now that I am away from him, I realize how miserable I was, living with him and his disease. We will be returning to the United States in a couple of months, back to our house, back to Rick and back to his excessive drinking. I no longer want to watch him get drunk every night. I have told him how I feel, and he has promised to stop drinking, but I've heard that story before, and I don't believe him.

Rick has been waiting for us and is eagerly expecting us to resume our lives, but I don't believe he can even make it to the airport sober to pick us up. How can I resolve this from here? Or should I wait to get back? -- CONFUSED IN CHINA

DEAR CONFUSED: I don't know how Rick behaves when he's under the influence, but if there is any suspicion in your mind that he might retaliate by trashing your home and belongings, then you'd be wise to wait until you get home to deal with him.

He could surprise you and be sober when you return. But if he is not, you have given him fair warning, and you can insist that he leave with a clear conscience.

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman I'll call "Maria." My problem is, although she makes me happy, and it thrills me to hear that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she kids me about breaking up on a regular basis. Sometimes it'll be a simple, "We're over! Oh -- just kidding," or, "We're done! I need a new man -- just kidding."

This humor of hers hurts a lot. She justifies it by saying that I don't have a sense of humor and that I take things too seriously. Abby, I love Maria with all my heart, and I want to have a future with her. But it hurts every time she does this. What should I do? -- ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.

DEAR ETHAN: Because your girlfriend is such a "kidder," how about testing her sense of humor? The next time she announces the relationship is over, agree with her. Say, "Yup! It's over!" If she can dish it out, she should be prepared to take it. However, if she can't, it's time you two had a serious discussion about passive-aggressive behavior -- because if you have told her that her teasing is painful and she persists, that is what she's engaging in.

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell your relatives' children not to ride bikes or play in your yard? We have a beautiful yard, but are very concerned about lawsuits. -- IN A DELICATE POSITION, PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR DELICATE: If you are concerned that the children will destroy your yard, then tell the children -- and their parents -- exactly that. However, if you're worried about being sued if the children should hurt themselves on your property, then ask the parents to sign a release for your insurance agent to keep on file. I'm sure it will get their attention -- and it should.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 43-year-old divorced mother with three kids, ages 17, 13 and 9. I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call Earl for more than a year. Everything is great; we plan to be married. My kids love him, he is great with them, and he has two teenagers of his own.

I recently suggested that my kids start calling him "Earl" instead of "Mr. Earl," as they have called him since they met him. But Earl said that even after we are married, they should continue to call him "Mr." because it is a matter of respect. I say that no stepfamilies do that, and if we are all sharing a home together, it's too formal. Your thoughts, please? -- IN A QUANDARY IN GEORGIA

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: I agree with you. Once you are married and living under the same roof, his insistence that he be addressed as "Mr." will be emotionally distancing for your children. It will also make them feel like second-class citizens if his own children call him "Dad" while yours are compelled to call him "Mister." Your boyfriend appears to have some significant self-esteem issues. I strongly recommend that they be dealt with before you marry him.

DEAR ABBY: I met a very kind man about two months ago. From then on, we saw each other twice a week at group get-togethers. He would always lead me away from the others, talking to me and flirting with me. He's very forward. He is always touching me, putting his arms around me -- and he asked me for my phone number the second time I saw him.

We have still been hanging out, but I found out he has a girlfriend! He doesn't know that I know. When I pull back from his touching me, he asks me why. Is it possible that he doesn't have a girlfriend? Or is he just one of those guys who will flirt with anyone -- including me? -- ANONYMOUS

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Although it's possible that he doesn't have a girlfriend, it is more likely that he does. Ask the people who have told you he has a girlfriend for more information about her -- like her name and phone number -- and give her a call. Remember: If he'd cheat on her, he would do it to you. And the next time you see this Romeo and he hits on you -- because that's what he's doing -- tell him you'd consider it if he were eligible, but he's already taken, and then go back to the group.

DEAR ABBY: My infant son has a medical condition that requires occasional visits to a local hospital. On each of the last two visits, I have run into an acquaintance in the hospital hallway -- once someone from work, and another time, someone from church.

After stopping and exchanging greetings, both of these individuals asked me why I was at the hospital.

I think that question is inappropriate. Medical matters are personal. I was very uncomfortable because I don't want to share my son's condition with others. They were both asking out of concern, but in my opinion, the question just should not be asked. Do you agree? -- STRICTLY PERSONAL, ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR STRICTLY PERSONAL: The question may seem intrusive in a situation like yours, but is also natural and spontaneous. Because your son's condition is of a private nature, I suggest that when you are asked that, you "deflect it" by responding, "What are you doing here?" And then change the subject.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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