DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married just short of one year and are expecting our first child in about four months. Our marriage is a good one. We communicate well and love each other. There is one area, however, that continues to be problematic.

I have been a youth basketball coach for three years. I was a coach before I met my wife and throughout our courtship. I have coached the same group of players, many of whose parents attribute their higher grades and better teamwork to their participation in the sport.

My wife insists that I quit coaching these 11-year-olds once the baby arrives. Practice takes me away from home two hours, one night a week, and the games are two hours once a week. I don't think that's a lot because I'm home all of the other "free time."

I love my wife and the fact that we will be parents. I don't think I'm asking too much when I tell her I'd like to continue coaching. I get a lot out of the experience and, honestly, I need some time to myself each week. Am I unreasonable or selfish in expecting her to support my coaching? I love her and she loves me -- but I love coaching, too. I think it makes a huge difference in the lives of my team members. -- IN FOUL TROUBLE

DEAR IN TROUBLE: Your wife may be a little insecure about her ability to handle motherhood. She needs you to acknowledge her feelings right now. Four hours of personal time a week may not seem too much to ask for. However, it might be better if you took a short leave of absence until the baby is on a regular schedule.

I sincerely hope you'll return to coaching youth basketball in the future because you are doing a wonderful thing for those boys, and it's something they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years. His ex-wife interjects herself into situations, such as visiting him in the hospital, and while there, attempts to run the show by questioning staff, etc. This makes me and my husband very uncomfortable.

How should I handle this? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: The first thing to do is discuss the matter with your husband's physician. Next, bring it to the attention of the nursing supervisor on your husband's floor. Because of privacy issues, your husband's former wife is no longer entitled to the information she is demanding. Nor would she be able to visit your husband if his doctor ordered "No Visitors."

DEAR ABBY: When placing your wedding rings on your finger, which one goes first? Would it be the diamond engagement ring, because it goes closer to the heart, or would it be the band? -- KAREN IN GEORGIA

DEAR KAREN: Here's an easy way to remember: The wedding band goes closest to the heart. The diamond ring goes closest to the wallet.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS:

May you always have

A sunbeam to warm you

Good luck to charm you

And a sheltering angel so nothing can harm you

Laughter to cheer you

Faithful friends near you

And whenever you pray, heaven to hear you.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Sad in California," who is uncomfortable lying to her elderly mother, who has Alzheimer's, about the fact that her husband died. Your answer was correct.

I am a therapist. Years ago, I was a consultant to nursing homes. Once, I was called in to see a woman in the middle stages of Alzheimer's who had adjusted well to the nursing home. Suddenly, however, she had become depressed and began having daily crying jags. I went in to speak to the woman, and the first thing she asked me was, "Is my husband coming to see me today?" (Her husband had been dead 20 years.)

Upon checking with staff, I found that in the past, staff working with her had always answered, "Yes, I believe he will be in later." Recently, however, a new supervisor had been hired who did not approve of lying, so she made staff start telling the woman each time she asked that her husband was dead. Naturally, each time she heard it, she became upset, believing he had died just that day and she was hearing it for the first time.

Fortunately, the supervisor was open to suggestions, and everyone went back to saying the husband would be in "later." It made the woman happy each time she heard it, and she lived the rest of her days believing her husband was just running a little late. -- PAULA C., WOOSTER, OHIO

DEAR PAULA: Your anecdote makes sense to me. One of the frustrations of writing this column is that I can't print more of the terrific letters I receive on a subject. I received a bushel regarding the letter you referenced. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I'm a social worker. After 25 years in the field, I have found that everyone needs to be told of deaths -- but they need to be told only once. Someone with short-term memory problems does not need to be reminded every time they ask, as it is painful. But everyone deserves the dignity of grieving for a loved one at least one time. Death is a part of life, as so many of our elders with dementia understand. -- SUSAN IN DULUTH, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: I worked in an Alzheimer's unit for two years before going to nursing school. There is nothing sadder than having to tell someone as many as 10 times a day that they lost someone they love. Each time, they are hearing it for the first time. They are never able to progress in the grieving process, and there is never any closure for them. There's no good answer to that question, but yours is the best solution. -- JENNIFER IN RALEIGH, N.C.

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I worked at a care facility. We had one very active man with Alzheimer's. His ex-wife died suddenly (he thought they were still married). The Social Service workers and his family decided to tell him. Then they found out they had to KEEP telling him, often 12 or more times a day! It was a nightmare for him, his family and the staff, and it lasted for several months -- until his meds were adjusted and he calmed down. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. "Ignorance is bliss" is darned smart advice in a case like that. -- TRUDY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: When my grandmother died, her younger sister, Rose, was alive, but with Alzheimer's. I sat behind Aunt Rose at the graveside. After a while, she asked whose funeral it was. I told her Ethel had died, and she started to cry. A little while later, she asked again whose funeral it was.

When we went back to Mom and Dad's after the funeral, Aunt Rose said it was "such a nice party." She asked where Ethel was. We told her that Ethel couldn't come -- and Aunt Rose had a wonderful time. Enough said? -- JOAN IN SAN FRANCISCO

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, you helped me with an unhappy relationship I was in. I took your advice, and it made a big improvement in my life. I am now engaged to a wonderful woman, and we're very happy. I never thought I would have to write you again.

Abby, I am seeing some behavior in my 15-year-old nephew that has me worried. He's a "high achiever" and, basically, a pretty good kid. Maybe he's under stress from school or sports, but he has been having some shocking, angry outbursts. Whether against his parents, his brother or his girlfriend, he will fly into a rage. He shouts, pounds his fists on the table, slams doors (breaking a glass pane) and storms out of the house. I saw him shove his brother during a recent argument, and I have heard him threaten to put his fist through a wall. Luckily, he hasn't followed through.

He doesn't have a history of causing trouble, and these angry outbursts don't happen all the time. I know you have a booklet about controlling anger. Do you think it might help him, and how can I order one? -- WORRIED UNCLE, ANNAPOLIS, MD.

DEAR WORRIED UNCLE: We all have moments when we react without thinking. Your nephew is young, and his problem could be caused by a number of things -- including immaturity, lack of self-control and raging hormones. If you have a good level of communication with him, the first thing you should do is have a talk with him and ask what's really going on.

If he is not having emotional or substance abuse problems, my anger booklet might be helpful to him. It contains constructive information about anger and suggestions for defusing it in healthy ways. It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been house-sitting -- and paying rent -- for a retired couple for the last six months. They are traveling in an RV, so I moved into the spare room, collect their mail and keep their house in order.

They come back to town every few weeks so one or both of them stays a night at the home. This was OK until last night.

The husband wasn't supposed to be at the house. I was expecting him tonight because he has a doctor's appointment tomorrow. When I came home and saw him there, I was a little surprised. I was tired from a hard day at work, so I went to bed early. This morning, I awoke at 6:15 to my door opening. The husband came into my room, said he was cold, and jumped into my bed. He was naked! I told him he was a freak, jumped out of bed, rushed into my bathroom, locked the door and got ready to leave for work. I didn't see him before I left.

Should I call the wife and tell her what happened? I am staying at a friend's tonight because I don't want to run into him again. I no longer feel safe with him there. Should I find a new place to live? I'm 31 and he is in his 60s. Yuck! -- GROSSED OUT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GROSSED OUT: The answers to both of your questions is yes -- and the sooner the better.