DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Bored Husband, Akron, Ohio," whose wife is addicted to soap operas. Several years ago, I, too, was addicted to them. I'd cry when my favorite soap stars got married, I'd cry when someone died on one of my favorite shows, and be extremely elated when something good happened to one of them. In short, I lived my life vicariously through the soaps.

I finally went to my doctor for a checkup and -- guess what! I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was put on medication, a new diet, and told to find something to do to fill my daytime hours that did not include watching soaps.

When life is not exciting or challenging, people tend to look for something to spark their lives. "Bored" should, first of all, take his wife to the doctor to be screened for depression, and possibly counseling. After that, they should find something they can do together -- like bowling, golf or volunteering. Most important of all, he should keep trying to find a solution to the problem and not give up. I wish him luck. -- ROSE IN OREGON

DEAR ROSE: Thank you for your generosity in sharing your personal experience. Predictably, the mail I received commenting on "Bored Husband's" letter was all over the map -- including some from staunch soap opera fans declaring that after 50 years of marriage, the wife "had a right" to spend her remaining years doing exactly as she wished. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The man complaining about his wife's "addiction" to the soaps hit a nerve. Obviously the soaps have been her company for years. Where was he? Where were the kids? She has filled her time with soaps, which apparently have never let her down.

After 50 years, maybe she just doesn't like her husband anymore and uses the soaps for an excuse. I'm on her side! -- SOAP OPERA LOVER IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: When I saw that letter, I had to chuckle. My mom got me addicted to soaps back in the '70s, when I was in my early 20s. I finally decided that sitting for three hours a day listening to other people's problems was about the dumbest thing I had ever done. I stopped -- cold turkey.

In 1988, my dear mother was in the hospital with a terminal illness. I sat at her bedside for days, and of course, she had the soaps on. Abby, I could follow the story lines perfectly! I knew all the people and what was going on. It had been more than eight years since I had watched. It was then that I realized how much time in my life had been wasted on those shows. Mom died shortly after that, and I've never watched a soap opera since. -- FORMER ADDICT, SAWYER, OKLA.

DEAR ABBY: I completely relate to that man's problem. I had it, too. From the moment VCRs went on the market, my wife taped every show so she could watch them after work. After years of going our own ways, talking, counseling with three different groups, nothing changed.

After 45 years of marriage, I knew there had to be something better. I divorced her and began a wonderful new life. My solution may not work for everyone, but for me, my only regret was not biting the bullet sooner. -- RICHARD IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Lots of women would adore having someone to go out to lunch with, and I'm one of them. I don't watch soap operas, and I'd love to have someone to go places with, do things with, or just to talk to. If "Bored Husband" would like to trade that wife in for one who's 64 and would consider him the answer to her prayers -- tell him to come on down! -- MISSISSIPPI REDHEAD

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I attended a birthday party for a 5-year-old boy. After the cake was brought out and the birthday song had been sung, the child's face was shoved into his beautiful birthday cake. The boy cried piteously amidst the roaring laughter of the children and the adults in the crowd.

I, and a few of the other adults, displayed shock, disgust and sympathy for the birthday boy. As if that wasn't enough, his 3-year-old brother was also smeared with the cake and frosting. He, too, burst into tears.

I have seen the same scenario at a 90-year-old's birthday party. Please give me your thoughts on this. There are other children's birthday parties I will be attending. -- DISMAYED GRANDMOTHER, LAREDO, TEXAS

DEAR DISMAYED: I'm glad to oblige. I have never found humor at the expense of others to be funny. I consider it to be cruel, hostile, and a form of bullying. That a parent would tolerate, much less participate in, the humiliation of his or her child is an appalling breach of trust. If you truly believe that you will be seeing a repeat performance at another child's birthday party, I wouldn't blame you for not attending -- and clearly stating the reason why.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Neil" for two years. It has been an emotional roller-coaster, mostly because we live 500 miles apart and can't afford to visit each other regularly.

My problem is Neil is still in possession of the bridal gown that belonged to his former fiancee. They broke up more than five years ago. She has since married and gone on with her life.

Last March, I finally felt I had a right to ask him to dispose of it, but he still has it. He tells me he is "trying" to get rid of it, but I have seen no real effort. (He said he has offered it for sale, but has had no takers.)

I just want it gone! Neil feels I'm overreacting. He insists he wants the money back that he spent on it. I say no one will pay what he originally paid, and he should cut his losses. I even offered to buy it and donate it to charity. All I got was a smile and, "I'll think about it."

Abby, I feel Neil is holding on to a past that's not there. I know he loves me and not her. But I'd feel better if that "reminder" was gone already. Am I wrong? -- DESPERATE GIRLFRIEND

DEAR DESPERATE: If I were you, I'd drop the subject for now because you are needlessly turning this into a power struggle. You might succeed in bullying him into getting rid of this sad memento, but what I think you really resent is the emotional investment it represents. Please believe me when I tell you that the more you nag, the further you'll drive him away -- and I don't mean geographically. If and when the romance moves to the next level -- a formal engagement or marriage -- ask him to "store" the dress elsewhere if it means too much to get rid of.

DEAR ABBY: My question concerns wedding etiquette. If my co-workers give me a wedding shower at work, am I obligated to invite them to my wedding? -- ANOTHER CONFUSED BRIDE IN MARTINSBURG, W.VA.

DEAR CONFUSED BRIDE: If someone hosts or attends a shower for you, in my opinion, good manners dictate that the person be invited to your wedding.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always made it a priority to spend time with the people in our lives we care for. At this stage, our children are gone and our large home is ideal for gatherings, so we are frequent hosts to friends and family.

One of our close friends, "Gloria," has a roommate, "Ivy," who has taken it upon herself to show up at any event she hears about without being invited. This has put Gloria in the uncomfortable position of being the "informant." In most cases, it wouldn't present a problem. However, Ivy has shown up at sit-down dinners with limited seating. She never offers to bring anything or calls to make sure she's welcome. Sometimes she shows up earlier than when our guests have been told to arrive. This has caused some awkward situations for me, to put it mildly.

Not only that, but Ivy is a very demanding guest. On a few occasions she has tried to boss me around and expects me to wait on her hand and foot. How can we tactfully tell this woman she needs to call before showing up to make sure she's welcome? -- HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST IN OHIO

DEAR HOSTESS: You have described a boor who knows no boundaries. Please do not waste your time trying to be "tactful," because it won't work. The next time Ivy shows up uninvited, tell her exactly what you have written to me and do not admit her. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I have struggled with my weight ever since the death of my child several years ago. This year for Christmas, a family member -- who despises me -- drew my name. Her gift to me was a glass pie dish containing cookie-making ingredients, plus a pastry cutter and two basting brushes.

She knows I always send thank-you cards. What kind of thank-you should I send her? She reads your column. Maybe I can just send her your reply? -- STUMPED IN WEST RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR STUMPED: Do not clip and send the woman my reply. That would be bad manners. Instead, copy it on stationery in your own handwriting. Here's what to tell her:

"How kind of you to remember me with the goodie-fixings. I have always felt that the thought and planning that go into selecting a gift are what makes it -- and the sender -- so special. Your generosity will not soon be forgotten!"

I think that will express what you would like to say in a way that will leave you above reproach.

DEAR ABBY: I need to know if my husband's relationship with his ex-wife should be tolerated. They talk to each other on the phone every month or so, and send each other cards on special occasions. Their closeness caused a former girlfriend to break off their relationship before we met.

He is determined to stay close and sees nothing wrong with it. There were no children from the marriage, Abby, so that is not the reason.

Why do people who remain this close get divorced? Am I wrong to feel hurt and threatened, because I'm ready to just walk away from this warped, co-dependent relationship. Please let me know your thoughts. -- READY TO QUIT IN ARIZONA

DEAR READY TO QUIT: Your husband's first marriage failed for good reason. However, he and his ex may "cling" because they invested so much of themselves in the relationship that they can't completely detach.

Before you throw in the towel, please consider marriage counseling. Your husband may not understand how deeply his ongoing relationship with his ex hurts you. A neutral third party might be able to get through to him what you cannot.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)