DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years. I was looking for a document on my computer recently and found some pornography my husband had downloaded. What was most shocking was that he had done some computer artwork on some of it, and superimposed my 15-year-old niece's face onto the girl in the picture.

I then went through my husband's things and found a tape from our camcorder. He had hidden it in our bedroom and tried to videotape me after I had gotten out of the shower. I was not surprised. I had caught him trying to tape us having sex without my knowing last year.

I no longer feel comfortable with him physically, and I don't care if we get divorced. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Is my husband a pervert with a serious problem?

We have a son who is almost 4. Is divorce easier when the children are smaller, since they won't remember as much? Please help me. I just don't know what to do. -- GROSSED OUT IN GREAT FALLS

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Your husband has serious problems. By substituting your niece's face for that of the girl in the picture, he has shown that he has an incestuous interest in a minor. And by attempting to videotape you during intimate moments without your consent, he has shown that he has no respect for your feelings. If he refuses to get professional help, show the picture to the parents of your niece.

Divorce is never easy on children, but your son will accept it more easily if you do it now rather than when he is older and expects you to explain the reason in logical terms.

DEAR ABBY: I have six good friends who live together. When they answer the phone, I never know who I'm talking to. I always say, "This is Vanessa," but they never reply by volunteering their names.

Is it reasonable to expect them to identify themselves? I have considered asking them to, but never have. I'm not sure if it would be presumptuous or not. -- CONFUSED IN COLUMBIA, MO.

DEAR CONFUSED: When you identify yourself, I would think that the response would be, "Oh, hi, Vanessa! It's 'Julie.' How are you?" However, since that's not the response you're getting, it's certainly not presumptuous to ask, "... and who is this?" Or, "With whom am I having the pleasure?" That's what I'd do.

DEAR ABBY: My father lives in another state and drove here to see our new baby girl. He saw her while she was in the nursery at the hospital.

When I returned home from the hospital, my father wanted to come over immediately. I was very tired, and when I suggested that his wife and her son not come along, he refused to come. Abby, their boy screams and is out of control most of the time, and I didn't want him disrupting my two other children.

Was I wrong to ask that it just be my dad? It has been eight months since he has been down here, and I don't know what to do. Should I apologize? -- FRAZZLED MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRAZZLED: It couldn't hurt to offer an apology. Your father considers his wife and stepson to be part of your family, too, and probably didn't recognize how disruptive this child can be.

In the interests of family harmony, and before this festers any further, pick up the phone and call.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO GET EVEN" IN ROANOKE: Violence is not the answer, nor any kind of retaliation. To quote Nelson Mandela: "Education is the most powerful weapon. You can use it to change the world."

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DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Jack" for three years. When we started out, I fell head over heels in love with him. Then he lost his job and his personality changed. He was at home with the kids and I worked, but he became really resentful and cranky about my working. He stays in a bad mood and loses his temper over the least little thing. He always apologizes, but the pattern never changes.

It has been almost three years since he worked a steady job. If he found one he didn't like, he would call in sick or go in late. If our children get sick, he accuses me of putting my job first. Abby, I get him everything he wants. When he mentions something that he likes, I make sure he gets it. I have always put my children and him before myself.

He says he's always in a bad mood because he's always in the house. I'm tired of being yelled at every day. I'm also tired of his verbally abusing the children. They are more surprised not to get yelled at than when they do. We have been married a year and a half. He curses at me at the drop of a hat. He's never physical -- just verbal.

I have never told this to anyone other than you. If I say anything to him, he gets angry and asks if I want him to leave. Can you help me? -- HURT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT: Your husband may be clinically depressed, or he may simply be a lazy, verbal abuser. The quickest way to find out what's ailing him would be to get him to see a doctor for a physical examination and a frank talk. If his problem is depression, he can be helped back to a more productive and happier life through medication and therapy.

However, if it turns out that your husband is just a freeloader who exerts control by constantly putting down the people around him, you will have to ask yourself some hard questions. First on your list should be, "Are my children and I better off with him or without him?"

DEAR ABBY: I have cold hands. Because of a medical condition, my hands are either icy from cranked-up air conditioning in the summer or from freezing temperatures in the winter. I hate shaking hands with people because it's like asking them to hold a block of ice.

Should I say something as I'm shaking hands, or should I avoid bringing attention to it and comment only if the other person says something? If it's the latter, would, "I have a medical condition" suffice? Thanks for your help. -- ICE PRINCESS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ICE PRINCESS: If someone mentions your cold hands, explaining that you have a medical condition is an honest and acceptable response. Alternatively, you could smile and say, "Yes ... it means I have a warm heart."

PS: In the summer, I would think that shaking hands with someone whose hands are cold would be refreshing!

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From day one, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. She is never home. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us.

I have caught her cheating three times. For 19 years, I have sat back and taken it. Well, I'm sick of it. Please tell me what to do. -- TIRED OF BEING ALONE, NEWBERRY, S.C.

DEAR TIRED: Draw the line. If your wife isn't willing to behave like one, end the marriage. However, when you do, make sure that you have custody of the children. You have all suffered enough.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old woman who was known by my nickname, "Pudge," while I was in high school because so many other girls had the same common name.

After high school, I went back to my given name, and I have carefully told all my old friends that, while my nickname was cute for a 15-year-old, it no longer suited me. Most of them have made the change out of respect for me.

What should I tell my doctor's receptionist, who did not know me before, but insists on using my nickname? I have told her I prefer my given name, but she refuses to use it. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I think she should address me as I introduced myself. I see this doctor four times a year, so I see her often. She also uses the nickname on mail sent to my home. The best she has ever done is to preface it with "Mrs." What should I do? -- NO NICKNAME, PLEASE

DEAR N.N.P.: Because you have already spoken to the receptionist, and your request has been ignored, your next step should be to address your complaint to the doctor. Tell him how annoying it is that she continues to address you by a nickname you'd prefer to forget, and even puts it on your mail. And be sure to let him know that you expect him to put a stop to it, because if he doesn't, you will take your business elsewhere. That should "cure" the problem.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man I met on the Internet. He moved here to Idaho after our marriage. (He's from Minnesota).

We have traveled by road or by plane four or five times over the last five years to Minnesota to visit his relatives. However, my in-laws have made only one attempt to come to visit us. My father-in-law has since passed away. We flew to Minnesota for his funeral.

We have attempted many times to coax my mother-in-law to come to Idaho to visit us and the four grandkids we have had over the last five years, but she claims she's afraid of flying. When we suggested taking a bus, she came up with another excuse.

We invited his mother to Idaho for Christmas and again she refused, saying e-mail, Internet photos and phone calls are enough for her. She is very involved with her friends, card games, weight-loss programs, Red Hat Society, etc. She is only 72 and healthy and wealthy.

I am very hurt that she makes no effort at all to see us. We can't afford to fly six of us there even once a year to visit. Have you any suggestions? I think she is being selfish, but don't know how to fix the problem, and my husband is very hurt by it. -- FORGOTTEN IN IDAHO

DEAR FORGOTTEN: You can't change another person; you can only change the way you react to that person. Your mother-in-law appears to be selfish and self-centered, but much as you would like to, you can't change her. Continue to send her cards, photos and updates on her grandchildren's progress. However, you and your husband will be less hurt and disappointed if you accept the fact that his mother is flawed, do not personalize it any further and go on with your lives. Trust me on that!

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