DEAR ABBY: Two weeks before my wedding, my mother announced that she was leaving my father. Now, two months after my wedding, their divorce papers have been filed.

I am 23 years old and should be able to handle the news, but I cannot. I have been devastated by the end of a marriage that I thought was a good one until only a few months ago.

My mother is now behaving like a college student. She parties all night, dates several guys at once, and calls to tell me about it. I have quit answering my phone when I see it is her.

I don't answer my father's calls either. All he does is complain about being lonely and broke, and a single father to my teenage brother.

I don't want to hear their stories or be their confidante. I need time to mourn the breakup of my parents' marriage. My own marriage is suffering because of the recent turn of events and it doesn't seem fair. What can I do? -- NOT-SO-HAPPY NEWLYWED

DEAR NOT SO HAPPY: Please accept my sympathy for the demise of your parents' marriage. If you were in the dark about the fact that they had been having problems until just before your wedding, it is understandable that you are in shock and grieving. You must also be wondering if what you thought was real was only a mirage.

For the sake of your emotional well-being and to protect your own marriage, I hope you will take the advice I am about to offer. Inform your mother that you cannot/will not be her confidante. Period. Then let your father know that although you feel sympathy for him, you cannot be his trouble dump either, because it's affecting your marriage. Explain that if he needs a place to "vent" -- and I'm sure he does -- he should do it with a professional counselor.

You may need counseling yourself, right now, in order to get your own head straight, so please do it now rather than later. Your problem isn't that your parents' marriage didn't make it to the finish line. It's that they hid their problems so well, you are no longer sure what a healthy marriage looks like

DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old single mother of two, pregnant with my third child. Because of my current circumstances, I have decided the best thing to do is place this child up for adoption. I have a lot of support in this, including my other children.

My problem is with strangers. People I don't know constantly ask questions about the upcoming birth, including name choices and gender. How do I stop all the questions without going into detail about my plans? I have tried simply saying, "I'm placing the child for adoption," but then people have the nerve to start questioning my judgment! -- PEEVED AND PREGNANT

DEAR PEEVED: The people asking questions about your baby are trying to reach out and be supportive. They have no idea that this is a sensitive subject.

When you are asked about the gender of the child, or what you plan to name it, smile and tell them you don't know the sex of the baby and no name has been chosen yet. Then either change the subject or walk away. No rule of etiquette demands that you continue a conversation with a stranger.

DEAR ABBY: Please explain the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." I have heard it many times, but can't imagine where it comes from. -- CURIOUS IN GEORGIA

DEAR CURIOUS: It probably originated from bitter experience. It is usually uttered when someone has tried to do something for someone else, and instead of being grateful for it, the recipient finds fault or resents it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Several of my friends and I were bemoaning our status as single women in our late 20s/early 30s, and discussing an article we had read in The New York Times about how smart women are less likely to get married. We'd all like to find Mr. Wonderful and be married. But if we have to curtail our professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ to do it, how can a person even begin to do such a thing?

I have a feeling you'll say to be ourselves and it will all work out, but thus far it has NOT worked out, and we're starting to worry. Personally, I think we'd be better off to take jobs as "administrators" in a large company somewhere and hope for the best.

Help, Abby! What's the answer for smart, fun women who have their acts together? How can we best poise ourselves to find true love while being true to ourselves? -- LOSING FAITH IN FINDING MR. RIGHT

DEAR LOSING FAITH: The truth is, there are no guarantees that ANYONE (male or female) will land a mate. It isn't easy these days because people are commitment-phobic. And this applies to individuals at all economic and educational levels, not just you at the top. Pairing off is often a matter of luck and timing -- being in the right place at the right time.

Eligible members of both sexes can be found in places of common interest -- places that are intellectually rewarding, culturally stimulating, athletically challenging or financially advantageous. As to whether you should downgrade your job level in order to appear less "threatening," I guarantee that if you don't take financial care of yourselves while you can, you will regret it later. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, you could fool some of the bachelors some of the time, but you couldn't fool all of them all of the time.

There are worse things than not finding Prince Charming, and one of them is spending your life pretending to be something you're not. So my advice is to stop reading defeatist newspaper and magazine articles. They'll only make you desperate, clingy and depressed -- and none of those traits is attractive to either sex.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently had a baby. We chose a mature, Christian couple to be our child's godparents. However, my brother-in-law is infuriated over the fact that he's not the godparent. He has disowned my husband and wants nothing to do with us.

Behavior such as this in the past is part of the reason he wasn't chosen. However, I need to know this: Did we have an obligation to choose him as a godparent? How should we handle his immaturity and controlling behavior? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN OHIO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: A godparent can either be a relative or a close friend, and you were not obligated to choose one over the other. Your brother-in-law may be hurt that he wasn't chosen, but his subsequent behavior has been so childish that it's apparent you made the right decision. The way to handle his immature and controlling behavior is to forgive him for it, and go on with your lives.

CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Birthday, baby brother! I hope you're enjoying your special day.

DEAR ABBY: Some years ago, I responded to your Operation Dear Abby program. I thought it would be neat to have a pen pal while I was in high school. I'm happy to report that I got much more than I ever dreamed of.

I began writing to Karl, and we corresponded for more than a year before we were able to meet in person. When we did meet, we both felt an immediate attraction to each other -- but as fate would have it, he was stationed overseas again and I was leaving for college. Fortunately, we reconnected and began to date exclusively.

To make a long story short, we recently celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. We are each other's best friend and feel blessed to have three beautiful children. Thank you, Abby, for bringing us together. -- KATHY K., ROANOKE, VA.

DEAR KATHY K.: Thank you for an upper of a letter. Many love stories began with Operation Dear Abby, and continue to be created through OperationDearAbby.net -- the online version that now operates 24/7 year round. I'm pleased that writing to a member of the armed services was not only rewarding for you, but also became the pathway to your future.

Readers, as I am sure you already know, this is a time of year when our young men and women in the military feel most poignantly their separation from their families and the people they love. While it is not within our power to make that go away, it does present an opportunity to show them we appreciate the fact that they are fulfilling their duty at the risk of their own safety. Today, and during the rest of this holiday season, won't you please make a special effort to let them know they are in our thoughts and prayers. Go to www.OperationDearAbby.net and send a message of support. It'll mean the world to them.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is an attractive, well-educated, single, professional woman in her early 40s. She is gay. I have known about her sexual orientation since she was in high school and have always been supportive. We have enjoyed a good relationship.

I have been friendly to my daughter's same gender friends in the past, until she moved into the home of a divorced woman who claims she is also gay. Abby, this woman is in her mid-40s. She has two children, ages 5 and 12, from her previous marriage to a man. There is significant financial advantage for her to have my daughter move in with her.

Between you and me, I don't believe that she is really gay. Is it possible for a woman to become gay after many years of marriage that produced two children? Thanks for your help. -- PERPLEXED MOTHER IN THE EAST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Yes, it is possible for a person to discover that she (or he) is gay after having been married and having children. Usually, the person felt a same-sex attraction much earlier, but denied it and married, hoping the feeling would go away. Many years -- sometimes decades -- later, the man or woman realizes that something is "missing," meets someone, and the feelings return stronger than ever. And that's when they finally come out.�

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)