DEAR ABBY: I recently retired and moved to a small town in Washington, where I began attending the local church. Last Sunday, a new assistant pastor was introduced along with his wife, "Millie." Abby, Millie is the woman who broke up my marriage 10 years ago! It was so painful and ugly that I have never remarried.

Millie, on the other hand, appears to have "erased" from her biography two previous marriages, countless affairs (my husband was one), and a short stint in prison for drugs. She is now -- and this is what irks me -- teaching marriage classes. She does not recognize me. The last 10 years have been hard on me. I put on weight and stopped coloring my hair, among other things.

If Millie was just a member of the congregation, I could forgive her past sins. But Millie is lying to everyone -- maybe even her clueless husband. Should I stay quiet and watch this farce, inform the senior pastor, or drive 30 minutes to attend another church? (And yes, I'm sure it's her. There's no doubt about it.) -- HATES HYPOCRITES IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HATES HYPOCRITES: Have you considered that Millie may have realized the error of her ways and found God in prison? It is also possible that her husband is aware of her past. As to her fitness to teach marriage classes -- one thing is certain, she knows firsthand where the pitfalls are.

Rather than seeking revenge, it would be better for your own soul if you change churches. But before you go, walk up to Millie and introduce yourself. I'll bet she'll be surprised to see how the past has come full circle. Then go on and start living your life fully again, and that includes getting professional counseling so you can heal and learn to trust again, and enjoy your life to the maximum that it's possible.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old woman who has recently enlisted in the Navy Reserves and would like to go into full-time Navy. The problem is I'm still living with my mother. Mom is "difficult." She refuses to take care of herself and have yearly physicals, exercise, eat right, etc. She doesn't want to go out anywhere, socialize or do much beyond watch television. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a while back, but she has had treatment and is doing fine now.

I don't want to feel guilty that I'm not taking care of my mother because she refuses to do things for herself and take care of her basic needs, when in reality she can. I want to have a life without having to worry about her all the time. I am taking the Navy one day at a time to make sure that going full-time is what I want. Have you any suggestions about what I should do? -- MY MOTHER'S KEEPER IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: You didn't mention whether your mother has always been this way or if she became this way after her cancer diagnosis, but her extreme dependency and passivity could be a sign of depression. (They could also be a technique that has always worked for her in manipulating people.) Your mother may need counseling, medication or both. And you need to live your own life. One way to ensure that would be to join the Navy. If you don't cut the umbilical cord now, you may never be able to.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: These will be the first holidays for my husband and me since we discovered that his sister, "Dawn," embezzled more than $200,000 from our business. It happened over a period of three years, when Dawn was our bookkeeper. Actually, our overall losses were even greater, because of her frivolous spending, "company write-offs" and bad management.

We knew something was terribly wrong. We just didn't know it was Dawn until she was caught.

She has since gotten another job in another state and is slowly paying us back. However, it will be a couple of decades before we're fully repaid -- if ever. Dawn has asked us not to tell anyone. She got off easy, and I don't believe that she's fully aware of the depth of the damage she left behind.

Fortunately, since Dawn's departure, there is peace in the office and the business is going well once again. But I am still hurt and offended by her deception.

I think I deserve a happy holiday season. Am I justified in avoiding her? Or should I just "grin and bear it" at the upcoming family get-together? -- STILL ANGRY IN MARYLAND

DEAR STILL ANGRY: I assume from your letter that the rest of the family knows nothing about the money your sister-in-law stole, and that she plans to attend the family gatherings.

Are you justified in avoiding her? Absolutely! Unless you're sure you can refrain from losing your temper(s) and spilling the beans, I'd advise you to make other plans this Christmas. However, unless you are prepared to boycott every celebration Dawn attends, you are going to have to learn to tolerate her at some point. Keep in mind, she is making restitution -- however slowly -- and that's a step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother, dating a divorced man whose children are almost completely grown. My boyfriend makes significantly more money than I do and has the freedom to take time off from work whenever he wants. (He's an avid hunter and fisherman, and takes several weeks off throughout the year for these hobbies.)

My problem is, I find myself feeling jealous and resentful of the opportunities he is fortunate to have. I know I shouldn't feel that way. He has earned his success, and besides, I love him and want him to have all the things he enjoys.

On the other hand, I struggle to make ends meet. He pays for everything we do when we are together and often treats my kids to pizza and ice cream. He has offered to give me money from time to time, which I have consistently refused.

So why am I feeling angry and left out -- yet if he offers to give me money, my pride won't allow me to take it anyway? -- WICKED WITCH OF THE MIDWEST

DEAR WICKED WITCH: You're feeling angry and left out because you are human. Your boyfriend is off kicking up his heels (deservedly or not), and you are left saddled with your responsibilities. Let me say that I respect your stance on not accepting money from him -- and I'll bet he does, too.

One way to effect an attitude adjustment would be to plan something special for yourself when he takes off to enjoy his hobbies. Perhaps you would like a massage, dinner out with a girlfriend you haven't seen in some time, an evening at the movies, the theater or a concert? Please don't cast yourself as the poor little left-out waif. The more enjoyable time you allow yourself in his absence, the better company you'll be when he returns. Trust me on that!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I grew up invisible in a household with three siblings, one of whom got by far the most attention. To this day, my older brother's picture is displayed in our parents' family room -- only his.

Two of my siblings were manic-depressive. There was never much calm, but that was no one's fault. My biggest complaint is that Dad ran out on us, taking work in another town. Although he had the option to stay, he left Mom and me to cope with the remaining brother who suffered from that horrible disease. It was hell.

I am still angry at my father, even though he is old and frail and doesn't have much time left. My wife says I need to sit down with him, explain why I am angry, clear the air, and also ask him to hang pictures of all of his children. I say, some wounds are better left scabbed, if not healed. I feel that the absence of photographs speaks of an attitude that cannot be changed. What do you think? -- FORGOTTEN SON, BOZEMAN, MT.

DEAR FORGOTTEN SON: I think I agree with your wife. Although you may not be able to change your father's attitude (or priorities), it might be beneficial for you to give him a chance to explain why he left -- one adult to another. And as to why only one sibling's picture is displayed, it could have less to do with the amount of affection as much as the level of preoccupation. Please talk to your father before it's too late. It could lighten your load.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a family where there was alcohol abuse on the part of both of my parents. No one in the family is an admitted alcoholic, but sometimes the problem can be quite obvious.

When I drink to excess, I have trouble controlling my emotions. Whatever I'm feeling becomes amplified, so I am quick to be very jubilant, sad or even angry. This lack of control has caused me a lot of trouble -- especially with my current girlfriend. She says she can't handle when I drink because I always become verbally abusive to her.

Abby, how can I tell if I am an alcoholic? I don't have trouble controlling the amount or frequency of when I drink, but I do get "mood swings" when I'm intoxicated. Is that a classic sign? -- WORRIED IN WORCESTER

DEAR WORRIED: Alcoholism can run in families, and because both of your parents have problems with alcohol, you could be at greater risk than the average person.

Among the questions you must ask yourself are: Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? Has your drinking caused a problem with your relationships? Do you have blackouts (can't remember what happened when you were drunk)? Have you ever embarrassed yourself or someone else when drinking?

According to your letter, the answer to all of these questions is yes. This indicates that although you may not be an alcoholic, you could be in danger of BECOMING one.

Please consider contacting Alcoholics Anonymous. The organization is listed in your phone directory. The folks there will provide you with literature and information about alcoholism, and invite you to visit one of their many support groups. Please take them up on it. It could be the learning experience you need to head off a serious problem before it happens. Good luck!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)