DEAR ABBY: Until now, I had a perfect life with a wonderful husband and a great 16-year-old son.

My husband of 10 years, "Keith," has raised my son, "Mike," and loves him as his own. Mike grew up knowing that Keith was not his birth father, but has always treated him as if he were. My ex-husband remarried and now has three daughters. I never hid this from my son. But now, my ex-husband's daughters have "found" Mike on the Internet. They have been talking for a couple of weeks now, and Mike actually talked to his birth father on a couple of occasions.

Mike now treats Keith very badly, and Keith doesn't know why. I knew about the conversations with his "sisters," but I did not know about the conversations with his father. Why would a man who abandoned me and his infant son 16 years ago all of a sudden want to come into his life now and disrupt our lives? We have a great family, and I get very uncomfortable when Mike slips in things that happened 16 or 17 years ago, because he heard it from his father. Also, I do not like his father talking to him one-on-one without me. What can I do? -- WORRIED ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR WORRIED: I can think of one reason why the man who abandoned you and your baby boy is now disrupting your life. The answer is, he "only" had three girls and would now like to have a son. After all, all the work of raising this young man has been done.

Your son may be 16, but he is still a minor. I recommend you discuss this entire matter with an attorney who can tell you what your rights are as your son's custodial parent. (I am assuming you never received child support for the boy. If your ex wants "in" now, perhaps he should share some of the financial responsibility that Keith has shouldered for so many years.)

And while you're at it, I urge you to consider family counseling for you, your husband and your son. I don't know what your ex may have been telling the young man, but I guarantee it'll be better if it is put on the table by YOU, with a trained therapist who can help you to iron out the "wrinkles" before they become permanent-press. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: Every year at Christmas, my four longtime girlfriends and I "promise" not to buy each other expensive gifts. We all have large families, so it is a cost-saving measure. However, invariably at least one of us ends up ignoring the rule and buys lavish gifts anyway! The small gift-givers end up feeling embarrassed, and the expensive gift-givers end up feeling guilty for violating our pledge.

Please help us stop this self-defeating cycle! -- "B" IN UNIONVILLE, IND.

DEAR "B": I have a suggestion: Make a pact this year that your only "gifts" will be in the form of letters to each other, describing a special memory of your friendship. Embellish the letters with all the traits your friends have that you admire. I promise you, the recipients will treasure it. If anyone breaks the pact, the others should not feel guilty for having kept the promise and given a gift of "self."

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old boy with a problem. My mother won't stop using my underwear. If that's not bad enough, she only uses my NEW underwear. I constantly ask her to stop, but she won't. What should I do? -- ANGRY IN HARTFORD, CONN.

DEAR ANGRY: At 13, you are old enough to have things of your own. Your mother shouldn't be using your underwear without your permission. The next time it happens, try this: Say you'd like to borrow some of hers.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My father went to prison five years ago, and my mother has been taking care of my brother and sister. (I'm older and out of the house.)

I recently came across some shocking information. Mom has been going on dates with a clergy member who has been sending her text messages saying things like "I can't stop thinking about you," etc. I also found out she has a profile on a couple of Internet dating sites and has been coming home later than usual after going out "for drinks with friends" after work. When I confronted her, she first denied it, then got caught in a lie. She refuses to accept responsibility, insisting "it wasn't a date," although this man expressed romantic feelings for her.

My father knows nothing about this while he languishes in a cell for what could be another five or six years. Should I tell him? I also do not know if I should confront this clergyman because I find his actions despicable.

How can I explain to my mother that what she's doing is wrong? When I try to talk to her in a mature way, she says things like, "I can't hear you!" Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. -- DISILLUSIONED SON IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Please don't waste your breath trying to shame your mother into good behavior because it won't work. She knows what she's doing is wrong, and that's why she is practicing "selective deafness" when you try to reason with her.

As tempting as it might be, I see absolutely nothing to be gained by telling your father. The news will only make him unhappier and more frustrated than he already is.

If you would like to say a few well-chosen words to the clergyman who is dallying with your mother, you're certainly within your rights to do so. While you're at it, let him know you have proof. That ought to dampen his ardor.

As for the pain you are feeling, it's natural that you would ache inside. So please consider having some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist who can listen, guide you and help you make sure that this doesn't have an impact on your future relationships with women. Trust me, it will help.

DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my neighbor's son offered my 14-year-old marijuana, and my son refused. (The two boys are close in age.) I heard all about it from my 12-year-old daughter. When I asked my son about it, he admitted it happened. I have no reason to doubt his story, and I hope he maintains his strength and resolve during the years to come. I am extremely proud of him.

My question is, should I confront the neighbor boy about it, or should I let his parents know what I learned? Of course, the third option is to mind my own business. Eventually, they'll discover what's going on and deal with it on their own -- and no friction will be created between two otherwise great neighbors. -- PROUD PAPA IN TORRANCE, CALIF.

DEAR PROUD PAPA: You are in a position to do your "great neighbors" a favor. If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you want to know your son was headed for trouble? If the answer is yes, apply the Golden Rule. However, when you tell these parents what they need to know, I strongly recommend that you not brag about how "proud" you are that your son refused the offer. Pride goeth before a fall.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Won't you please make your readers aware of male breast cancer? Men never have their breasts checked or check them themselves.

My husband was finally diagnosed after five months of "dilly-dallying." He had a mastectomy and is now on medication prescribed for women because so little is researched for men.

"They" say that 4 percent of breast cancer patients are male. I say it's probably more like 15 percent. Please inform your readers. -- CHARLOTTE IN NORTHBROOK, ILL.

DEAR CHARLOTTE: I'm pleased your husband's cancer was caught in time. After reading your letter, I contacted the American Cancer Society. It estimates that before 2005 is over, 1,690 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed among men in the United States. That's compared to 211,240 cases in women, and less than 1 percent. Of course, if YOUR husband is in that fractional percent, it is one case too many!

I was also told that there are "too few men with breast cancer for doctors to study in clinical trials" -- which is probably why your husband is receiving the same kind of treatment that women do. (This includes surgery, radiation, post-operative chemotherapy and/or Tamoxifen.)

As with any other cancer, the sooner it's caught the better. And that is why men should routinely check themselves for lumps that could signify breast (or testicular) cancer.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is due to give birth any minute. We are all very excited. My brother-in-law, "Lyle," started a "pool" where he works, choosing the date of birth and weight of the baby. It's $20 to get in the pool. When I gave Lyle my $20 last night, I said, "I hope I win. I could really use a new refrigerator." He replied, "No. Everyone else is either giving us all or half the money, and that's the rule."

This may seem petty, Abby, but I really need a new refrigerator. Of course, if I won I would give them SOME money, but to have my brother-in-law demand it seems rude and selfish. Am I wrong? If I win, Lyle will be upset and I don't want any rifts during this wonderful time. But it seems to me that he's actually collecting money because my sister is having a baby. I'll abide by your decision. Am I being selfish? -- NEEDS A FRIDGE IN ST. PETE

DEAR NEEDS: I don't think you are being selfish -- but you may be bucking a regional custom. Although I have never heard of collecting money for a baby pool and the winner being expected to donate the pot to the parents, one of my staffers has.

Putting that aside, however, if you win the baby-guessing game, in the interests of family harmony you should probably give them the money. The "donation" would be small potatoes compared to how costly the hard feelings would be.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom trying to make the right decision. I have been dating "Pete" off and on for nearly three years. He is now saying he wants us to move in with him and be a family -- but he doesn't want to get married until his daughter gets out of college. (She's a senior in high school.)

I don't feel he's really ready to commit. Do you agree? -- SUSPICIOUS IN SAN MARCOS

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I do agree. In four years, you could find yourself hearing, "Wait 'til she's out of graduate school," or "Let's wait until she's married." If after three years he's not ready to move forward, you should move on -- not in.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)