DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married for 35 wonderful years, and Christmas was our favorite time of year. As I sit here this morning, I remember all the time we wasted worrying about getting the "perfect" gift for everyone, when in reality the most perfect gift you can give is yourself and your love.

We had seven beautiful kids, 23 beautiful grandchildren and five adorable great-grandchildren, so it took a lot of time to shop for everyone. I realize that the most perfect gift would be to have my darling husband here with us. He passed away Oct. 10, 2003.

I now understand that the perfect gifts were the love and closeness we shared together, and you can't buy that in any department store.

So, Abby, please suggest to your readers that when they're agonizing about finding the perfect gift, they should look right under their own noses. They may find they already have it. -- MISSING HIM IN OHIO

DEAR MISSING HIM: Thank you for the poignant reminder that too often we take for granted those intangibles that are the most precious. You and your darling husband shared a life together filled with an abundance of riches. I hope that knowledge will bring you comfort during this time and for the rest of your holiday seasons to come.

DEAR ABBY: Please warn your readers that their Web pages and blogs could stand in the way of securing a job! Just as employers have learned to read e-mail and blogs, they have learned to screen candidates through their sites.

Many people in their 20s and 30s wrongly believe their creations are entertaining and informative. Employers are not seeking political activists, evangelizers, whiners or tattletales. They do not want to find themselves facing a lawsuit or on the front page of a newspaper because a client, patient or parent of a student discovered a comment written by an employee.

The job market is tight, and job seekers must remember their computer skills can either help them land a position or destroy a job prospect. -- CHICAGO EMPLOYER

DEAR EMPLOYER: You have opened up a line of thought I'll bet a lot of job applicants -- and future job applicants -- have never considered. Googling a name isn't difficult, and it could lead to an applicant's blog. Most bloggers write to be read, and invite people to comment. Thank you for the reminder that those who blog should remember that they are open to public scrutiny, and that if they apply for a job, everything about them will be considered -- including their blog. Prospective employers are certainly within their rights to make decisions based upon what they read.

DEAR ABBY: Last week, my family suffered the loss of my grandfather. He was Catholic, the only Catholic in our immediate family, and his funeral was held in a Catholic church as he wished.

When it came time to receive communion, a family friend encouraged my grandmother and the rest of the non-Catholic family members to receive communion. Should we have received communion out of respect for our grandfather, or was it right to stand by our own beliefs? -- GRIEVING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GRIEVING: You showed respect for your grandfather by attending his funeral. Communion is a sacred rite in which only practicing Catholics participate. You were correct to refrain from doing so.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother, "Adele," never misses your column, so I'm hoping this will get her attention. She has smoked for most of my 28 years of life, with the exception of when she "quit" from 2000 to 2003. (Her mother died of lung cancer.) I beg her not to smoke around me or my 3- and 4-year-olds. My daughter has even told her she smells bad and asked her to put out her cigarette.

Adele claims she shouldn't have to go outside to smoke because smoke rises, and although you can see and smell it, there are no chemicals left in the air to hurt us. Adele says the reason she doesn't want to quit is she read somewhere that quitting "cold turkey" increases your chance of complications from smoking. She refuses to believe she's hurting anyone.

Would you please tell her that not only is it inconsiderate and selfish to tell us to leave the house or get out of the car if we don't want to breathe in the smoke, it's also hurting her and putting her grandchildren at risk? -- CAN'T GET THROUGH, OZARK, ARK.

DEAR CAN'T GET THROUGH: Your mother is severely addicted to tobacco and in a state of denial. It is common knowledge that secondhand smoke is harmful. That's why some states have outlawed smoking in the workplace and public buildings.

I don't know where your mother got the notion that quitting smoking cold turkey could have a negative impact on her health. For years, doctors have said that it's the most effective way to stop. For smokers who can't face the challenge of sudden withdrawal from nicotine, there are now gums, patches and cessation programs to help people break the habit. Your mother's problem isn't that she's ignorant; it's that she's so wedded to her addiction she doesn't want to quit.

As much as you love her, you are now a mother yourself. It is your job to protect your children from anything that could harm them, and that includes secondhand smoke. From now on, do not take them to your mother's home; instead, entertain her in your smoke-free home. If she insists on smoking in her car, you will have to be the one to provide the transportation. And for your own sanity, when the time comes for your mother to pay the piper as her own mother did, do not grieve that you didn't have more time with her. She lived her life the way she wanted.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my freshman year of college, living in the dorms. I have been baby-sitting for the same family for about four years. Their three children are all under the age of 5, yet I am being paid only $6 an hour -- a dollar more than when I first started baby-sitting the first two children as a high school student.

The average baby-sitting rate for a college student is much higher than I have been charging. I have a friendly relationship with the mother, but I still feel hesitant to tell her that I'd like to be paid more. How do I go about this? -- ANNA IN WILLIAMSVILLE, N.Y.

DEAR ANNA: Because you have a friendly relationship with the mother, call her and let her know that you'll be raising the price for your services. Do not apologize for doing so. Explain that the cost of living (gas, etc.) has increased since she first hired you. In addition, your qualifications have improved.

In the workplace, many women older than you have a problem with speaking up and asking for a raise to which they are entitled because they were raised to believe that "good girls" are modest and shouldn't brag. That kind of thinking can be a real handicap in the business world. So start now. This will be good practice for when you are older.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Myra," and I have been married more than 50 years, and all she does is watch soap operas every afternoon. I have invited her to lunch and other outings only to be told, "OK, but I gotta be home by noon to watch my shows."

If the mailman or UPS arrives with a package between noon and 4 and I'm not there, Myra ignores the bell. We have three adult children. If any of them call during that time, she'll refuse to talk to them even if it's an emergency. Once, it was our older daughter calling to say our son had been taken to the hospital with a major heart attack. Myra's sister died of a stroke one afternoon two years ago. My wife didn't learn about it until the following morning.

On weekends, Myra is always in a bad mood because she says, "My soaps aren't on today." (The housecleaning doesn't get done then, either, unless I do it.)

What's wrong with people like her? It's not the housework, Abby. I just wish my wife would realize there's more to life than soap operas. Can you think of a way to convince her to get a life, so to speak? -- BORED HUSBAND IN AKRON, OHIO

DEAR HUSBAND: I'll try, but you have to realize that you are dealing with someone who is severely addicted. Your wife gets a "rush" from watching her "soaps," and as her behavior on weekends shows, she goes into withdrawal if she doesn't get her "fix."

There may be a solution to this problem. Cable television companies now offer cable boxes that allow viewers to record their favorite television shows on a hard drive for later viewing. I recommend you look into it. If it's not available in your area, visit an electronics store and see what recording devices it has in stock.

However, as to convincing your spouse "to get a life" and start living it with you, it may already be too late for that. So make sure you have a life of your own by inviting others to join you for lunch and other outings. That might be what it takes to sober her up.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Peggy's" daughter was married recently. She is 54, and it was her third marriage. Her invitation stated, "No gifts, please." My son and nephew gave the couple a card.

Peggy promptly called them both and informed them that when a wedding invitation states, "No gifts, please," it means that the couple doesn't need household items, that they should be given money instead.

I am aghast that Peggy would take it upon herself to reprimand my son and nephew and solicit money from them. What do you think of this? Incidentally, my nephew was married two years ago. My niece was invited and never sent a gift to them. -- BLOWN AWAY IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BLOWN AWAY: Where do I begin? For openers, no mention of gifts should have been on the invitation -- and that includes "No gifts, please." Where your sister got the crazy idea that the phrase means "give money instead" I will never know. And for her to chastise your son and nephew for not giving her thrice-married daughter money was off the charts. Christmas is coming, and I have the perfect gift suggestion for her -- a book on etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper for people to throw themselves a housewarming party? My husband and I are looking into buying our first home, and I'd love to have one. What, exactly, are the rules? Do you have to be newlyweds? I have never been to one or know anyone who has ever had one. Is it still done? -- CURIOUS IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR CURIOUS: It is customary for new homeowners, after getting settled in, to invite friends and family over for a housewarming. You don't have to be newlyweds -- just new homeowners. Generally, the host and hostess send invitations to prospective guests and provide the food and beverages. And the guests bring gifts for the house. That's all there is to it! Good luck with yours.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)