DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my father died at the age of 58. My mother has not taken it well. Although she went through grief counseling, she did not benefit from it. Abby, she acts as if my father is still alive, that he has gone on a trip and will return at any time. She is also becoming increasingly unstable. If told the truth about Dad's death, she throws a fit.

Lately, my mother has become more violent, leaving bruises on her victims. I love Mother very much, but not only has she injured me, she has attacked her grandchildren as well. My husband says we should just leave her in the house to die. We do not have the money to put her in a home, and if we did, she'd refuse to leave the home Dad built.

What can I do about my out-of-control mother? -- WORRIED SICK IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED SICK: From your description of her behavior, your mother may be mentally ill. Tell her again that your father is dead. If she assaults you again, call the police. Tell them this isn't the first time it has happened and that she has also assaulted the children. If someone is a danger to himself or others, then that person can be hospitalized for a short period of observation by mental health professionals. And that could be what saves your mother, who appears to be in serious need of professional help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old child (some child!). My mother was always verbally and emotionally abusive. Although my parents lived only seven miles away, I didn't visit very often because she would browbeat me.

Dad passed away two months ago. My mother doesn't drive. I can see that Mother is counting on me to take her everywhere on my days off, which are always in the middle of the week. I do shift work and have a husband and a household to run. I also need a little time to myself.

Am I being selfish to expect my mother to find alternative transportation? She is very involved in civic affairs and claims she has many friends who would help her, but I see no one coming forward. Please don't suggest other relatives. Mother has burned too many bridges, and no one wants the job.

I am getting angry and also feeling guilty, but I do not want to be at her beck and call because her cruelty toward me is continuing. -- MISERABLE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MISERABLE: You do not have to tolerate verbal abuse. Start checking around your community to see if there are any low-cost transportation services for seniors sponsored by the city or senior centers. If no services are available, your mother may have to relocate in order to avail herself of public transportation.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where one co-worker constantly whistles. It's extremely distracting to all of us in the office while we're working, but we don't know how to approach this individual and say, "Can you please stop whistling while you work?"

Please help us stop this daily annoyance. We need relief. -- FRUSTRATED OFFICE GIRLS, CLARKS SUMMIT, PA.

DEAR OFFICE GIRLS: Because you can't bring yourselves to approach the offender directly, try this: The next time the offender starts whistling, offer the person a plate of crackers.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kirk," accompanied me overseas for an extended military tour. He has been an excellent care provider for my two children, ages 2 and 7. He does all kinds of activities with them that I cannot because of my work schedule.

I recently found out that Kirk has been having an affair and stealing from me to fund his activities. Initially, he lied about the whole thing in counseling, but when cornered he confessed. Kirk has since promised to end the affair, and I have taken precautions with my finances.

We have agreed to stay together until we get back to the states (about six months), and then we will file for divorce. My friends think that I'm crazy to keep him around, but there is no better person here to take care of our children -- and changing my hours is not an option. We never argue in front of the kids and are actually on amicable terms. Am I crazy? -- HURTING OVERSEAS

DEAR HURTING: Are you crazy? Crazy like a fox! You are behaving in a manner that is mature and rational, and I commend you for it.

DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter has been shaving her arms for the past six months because she says they are "hairy." I have tried my best to talk her out of it.

I asked advice from a neighbor, and she said I should forbid her from doing it because she can get skin cancer. Is that true? -- CONFUSED MOM, CALEXICO, CALIF.

DEAR CONFUSED MOM: If that were true, every man and woman who shaved other parts of their bodies would be suffering from skin cancer. However, I would discourage her from shaving her arms because there are better ways to deal with the problem. Using a depilatory wax to remove the hair would take it out by the roots and cause it to eventually grow in more sparsely. And using a depilatory cream would "wipe" away the hair, leaving less of a visible stubble than shaving does. She might also consider bleaching the hair on her arms, which would make it less noticeable.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law recently decided to move into an assisted-living facility. Because of limited space, she needs to get rid of excess baggage, so she had a rummage sale. She has also begun to return gifts she has received to those who gave them to her. I find that rude and insulting, as each gift was given for a reason, and getting them back feels like rejection.

A good friend of mine feels it's an honor to get those gifts back rather than see these treasures in a rummage sale or given to someone who doesn't understand the meaning behind the gift. My question: Who's right? -- CINDY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CINDY: She is. And my question to you is, why are you looking for rejection? Your mother-in-law has to downsize, and I'd say she's doing it in the most sensitive way possible.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I know you are busy with the hustle and bustle of entertaining, but let's not forget that our young men and women in the military are always in need of encouragement. Most of these dedicated young people are between the ages of 17 and 21, and away from home for the first time. The Department of Defense tells me that messages of support from home are their greatest morale booster.

So if you can spare a moment, go to your computers, type in � HYPERLINK "http://www.OperationDEarAbby.net" ��www.OperationDearAbby.net�, and tell our troops you are thankful for their sacrifice and devotion to duty, especially on the day of Thanksgiving. You'll be glad you did it, and so will they. Thank you in advance from them -- and from me. Love -- ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My family and I recently went to my brother's home for a family get-together. During our visit, my wife was told that our nephew was being married. Our nephew then announced that he is going to have all those who plan on attending submit a 75-word essay stating why we should be invited. I said, "Why?" My wife and I were appalled.

What do you think of this, Abby? -- APPALLED IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR APPALLED: If your nephew is trying to keep his wedding a small and intimate affair, he's doing a great job of it. I have never heard of an essay contest to determine who will be allowed to attend a wedding. (Will those people whose essays don't get a passing grade be excluded?) If I were you, I'd send your nephew and his bride a lovely congratulatory card and skip the "contest."

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday a young man from a religious sect rang my doorbell and pounded on my door until I opened it. I told him, "Please do not come to my home again. I have a baby and you just woke her up." He replied, "Lady, you are rude." I apologized and explained again about my baby.

My problem, Abby, is this happens all the time. I live in a new subdivision, and religious groups and vacuum cleaner salesmen come to my door several times a week. I have a large "No Soliciting" sign posted by my front door. Have you any suggestions? -- PAM B., HOUSTON

DEAR PAM: The person who came to your door should have apologized for disturbing you instead of trying to turn you into the bad guy. However, please bear in mind that he could have come to rob you (or worse), and you are under no obligation to open your door to any stranger -- and that includes salesmen and religious proselytizers.

You might try placing another sign by your front door that says "No Witnessing." If that doesn't work, consider disabling your doorbell or fencing your yard and posting a "No Trespassing" sign, provided it's allowed in your subdivision.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a wonderful 1 1/2-year-old son, the love of our lives. Sadly, my father passed away before he was born and never got to see him.

Recently, my family -- including my mother -- took a vacation together. We took some wonderful pictures of my mother holding her grandson. We're considering having one of the pictures enlarged professionally as a birthday gift to my mother, and my wife suggested we Photoshop a picture of my father into the picture so that there is a portrait of both my parents and their grandson.

I like the idea; however, I am concerned that it may make my mother sad and be a reminder that my father is no longer here. What do you think? -- TRYING TO BE THOUGHTFUL IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR TRYING TO BE THOUGHTFUL: I think the sentiment is nice, but it would be wrong. When in doubt -- don't.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)