DEAR ABBY: I'm a junior in high school. My father has been unemployed for almost two years. My mom is deceased, and Dad constantly mentions how the money is running short. However, he hasn't gotten a new job nor has he explained why. I think it is a bit out of line to tell him to get his life back in order, since I'm his son and because I don't know much about the workplace.

I'm going to college next year, and I'm afraid that I won't be able to go somewhere good because my dad can't afford it. I'm sure other relatives will help out, and there's financial aid, but my dad's happiness matters, too. He has told me that the jobs he finds don't pay nearly as much as his previous job did, but wouldn't ANY money be better than NO money?

I don't understand what he's thinking. What should I say to him? How can I help him get his life back in order? -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFUSED: You would be doing your father a favor to tell him that because of his difficulties in finding work, he should contact the unemployment office because the people there can sometimes offer counseling to people in his position. Your father may be holding out, hoping to find another job that will pay him as much as the last one. However, by now he should have realized that it may never happen.

You would be doing yourself a big favor to visit your local library and start researching what scholarships might be available to you. It could make you less beholden and more independent of your relatives when tuition time rolls around. A counselor at your school might also steer you in the right direction. Please don't wait. Do it now. You seem like a bright young man, and I wish you the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: How should I react to a couple who repeatedly drop in at our house to visit -- unannounced? I feel this is very rude, and they're trying to catch us off guard and see us at our worst. I have thoughts about doing the same thing to them. What do you think? -- DISGUSTED IN MANTENO, ILL.

DEAR DISGUSTED: You can try doing it to them, but I doubt it will have the desired effect. These people may have never learned that it is impolite to drop by without calling first to see if it's convenient.

Try this: The next time they show up, tell them firmly that you're too busy to entertain them, and in the future they should call before coming over. If that doesn't stop their impromptu visits, repeat the message or don't answer the door.

DEAR ABBY: Could you please settle something for us? My father is currently married to his third wife. His second wife died, and his first marriage has been annulled by the church.

Dad and his wife were married by a justice of the peace, but now he wishes to be remarried in a Catholic church. My father insists that, because he was already married by a justice of the peace, that this will, in fact, be his fourth wedding. I say it is still considered his third.

Also, when all is said and done, which date would be considered their anniversary? -- WONDERING IN WORCESTER, MASS.

DEAR WONDERING: In the eyes of the church, when a marriage is annulled, it is as though it never existed -- so scratch the first one. And because not all churches recognize civil ceremonies, I'm not sure the civil ceremony would count either. So, if your father married his second wife in the church, his next church wedding will be his second -- and he would logically measure his anniversary from the time he and his bride take their vows at the altar.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My widowed father recently married a woman I'll call "Millie." The wedding was held at Millie's home. Of the 20 or so guests in attendance, the only single adult was my younger sister, "Kim."

The ceremony was beautiful, the food was delicious, and everyone seemed to be enjoyed themselves when, out of nowhere, three of Millie's friends asked for everyone's attention. They then announced that instead of the bride tossing her bouquet, they had decided to just present it to Kim! Most of the guests laughed, and Kim played along, but I could tell she was upset. These friends went on to say something like, "Don't worry, Kim, you won't be single forever -- your turn will come someday!"

Abby, my sister is a brilliant, beautiful, very successful attorney in a well-known law firm in a large city. But because she doesn't have a man in her life, she was "singled" out and teased in front of a group comprised mostly of strangers. She held it together through the party, but wept openly to me afterward. She felt humiliated, and worse than that, like some kind of failure.

As it turns out, it was Millie's idea to give Kim the bouquet and make it a "funny" display. Kim was incredibly hurt and no longer wants much to do with our new stepmother. I don't want to get in the middle, but I feel if I told Millie why Kim is being distant, she'd most likely apologize.

Should I stick my nose in or leave it alone? Are we overreacting? Any advice would be appreciated. -- NOT AMUSED SISTER IN VERMONT

DEAR SISTER: Your stepmother's "joke" was insensitive and not particularly funny. (When will people learn that humor at other people's expense is hurtful?) I agree that your sister is owed an apology. By all means tell Millie about the pain her thoughtless gesture caused. The alternative would be to let the situation fester until there is either an explosion or total estrangement.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 14, I was bulimic for a while. I was able to stop on my own and my parents never knew about it. Eventually my parents figured out that I was depressed and suicidal, and I was put on Prozac.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom saw some cuts on my hips. I told her it was the only time I had ever done it, but I lied. I have been doing it for several months.

I don't know what's going on with me lately. I used to be able to write all the time. The words just haven't been flowing like they used to, and it's sort of scaring me. I told my psychologist about it, and he told me I need to find a new outlet for my stress besides cutting. The problem is, I don't want a new outlet. I just want to be able to write again. Any advice you have for me would be greatly appreciated. -- SCARED IN STACY, MINN.

DEAR SCARED: Think back for a moment. Did your writer's block start after you began taking the Prozac? If so, ask your therapist whether the Prozac could have caused it. As helpful as antidepressants can be for some people, it sometimes takes a while to find which drug works best for an individual.

Of one thing I am certain. Cutting is not the solution to your problem. Communicating honestly with your parents and your therapist will take you a lot farther a lot faster. Conquering your illness -- and that's what depression is -- will take a joint effort on the part of all of you. Please do not allow fear to slow your progress. The antidote to fear is faith.

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DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old niece, "Brittany," married her boyfriend of many years last month in a lavish production of a wedding financed entirely by her father (my brother). On the invitations, it was mentioned that their home was fully furnished, so in lieu of gifts, they'd appreciate money for their honeymoon to the Dominican Republic.

Most family members generously complied and chipped in $300 to $500 each. My widowed grandmother, who lived on a fixed income, even sent them $50.

Four days after their return from the honeymoon, Brittany threw her husband of two weeks out of the house and moved in with her new boyfriend, whom she'd first met when he "entertained" at her bachelorette party three weeks prior. To say we are all surprised is putting it mildly.

No one has heard from Brittany since, and no explanation was offered. My mother recently got her on the phone, and Brittany quickly ended the conversation by claiming that all the money had been "spent" and that her now ex-husband had any funds that remained. (We know this can't be true because the distraught groom recently approached my brother and asked him to pay for the annulment.)

Doesn't etiquette dictate that Brittany return all gifts -- including cash -- as the marriage ended just days after the checks cleared the bank? Is this why there's a 12-month window in which to send wedding gifts? -- ANGRY IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR ANGRY: Your feelings are justified. The answers to your questions are yes and no.

The rules of etiquette do dictate that unused wedding gifts be returned in a case like this. However, if the checks didn't clear the bank until after the unhappy couple returned from the honeymoon, the money was probably spent to pay off their credit cards.

Your assumption that there is a 12-month window in which to give wedding gifts is a popular misconception and incorrect. Wedding gifts should be given at the time of the wedding, or after the couple returns from the honeymoon at the latest.

DEAR ABBY: I married my husband, "Ralph," two years ago. We moved from New York to Arizona after he retired, one month after the wedding. We both have grown children and grandchildren back east.

The issue is: I'm not allowed to hang pictures of my family in the new house. I'm allowed to have four pictures in the office, one picture in the den and one in the living room. If I receive a new picture in the mail, I must choose which of the old ones will be removed and replaced with the new one.

Ralph feels that only "old people" put pictures up all over the house. I requested that we come to some agreement on this. He said that as far as he's concerned, the issue has been resolved.

Abby, I can't tell you how much I miss my family back east. To display their pictures brings me so much joy. Because I feel like I am a child who can't make any decisions in "his" house, I refuse to buy anything for "his" house, and things are still in boxes after two years because I refuse to decorate "his" house. What do you think? -- STUCK IN ARIZONA

DEAR STUCK: I think that if ever I heard about a newly married couple who needed professional mediation, it is you two. Ralph is being inflexible, and you are being childish. Please schedule an appointment with the best marriage counselor you can afford. And if Ralph refuses to cooperate -- go without him.

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