DEAR ABBY: Boy, did I identify with the letter about the Army wife whose husband is being deployed to Kuwait. My husband of 25 years is in Iraq now. It's a short deployment; however, my reaction to it was unusual for me.

At first, I took it in stride. But as the time approached for him to leave, I became anxious and depressed. I consulted a therapist, whom I'm still seeing. I had similar feelings as the wife's. I was scared out of my mind that my husband would not return and I, too, wanted a divorce. I'm still mystified about my reaction. He has been away before, but never in a place so dangerous. I, too, felt he was choosing the military over me and our kids.

The only thing that helped me when we left him at the airport was the knowledge that he really wanted to do this. I thought, if he gets killed, at least he will have died doing what he wanted. -- ALICE IN SOMERDALE, N.J.

DEAR ALICE: That letter struck a chord with many military (and former military) wives. All of them had something important to contribute. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: What that military wife needs to know is that her reaction to her husband's deployment is not uncommon. She is going through the anger/detachment withdrawal stages -- anger at the military and at her spouse for being in the military. It is common to withdraw and/or argue just prior to deployment since it can be easier to be angry than to confront the pain and loss of departure. She's not the first military spouse to have these feelings.

These hardships can seem easier to handle if the family knows they are not alone. The wife should connect with her husband's unit's Family Readiness Group to get helpful information about deployment resources and accurate information about his unit. It really does help to connect with other spouses who are going through what she's going through. If there is no one nearby, she can connect online through � HYPERLINK "http://www.cinchouse.com" ��www.cinchouse.com�.

Another resource she should be aware of is � HYPERLINK "http://www.militaryonesource.com" ��www.militaryonesource.com� (or 1-800-342-9647), where she can get answers to her questions and help 24/7. (This can include six confidential counseling sessions with therapists outside the military system.) -- KATHIE HIGHTOWER, TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband went to Vietnam for a year, the first thing I did was get a part-time job to keep me busy. I wrote him every day and sent tapes twice a week. Many times, we would leave the recorder running so he could feel like a part of the family when we discussed various "happenings" in the kids' and my day. I taped the kids' concerts and sent them with the comment, "If I have to sit through this, so do you!" All the guys got a kick out of it, and he was the envy of all.

If she feels she needs a support group, she should contact other wives whose husbands are overseas. They can comfort each other. Also, instead of looking for people to help her, she should volunteer to help others less fortunate. She doesn't need a therapist as much as she needs a LIFE. -- VENETA L., GREAT FALLS, MT.

DEAR ABBY: Instead of distancing herself, that wife needs to talk about her fears to her husband. If she does, she may be surprised to learn that they both fear the same thing.

Many times we don't want to do things, but do them we must. I agree with you, Abby; the woman should continue counseling. -- BARBARA IN PORTSMOUTH, VA.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old female who competes in triathlons for fun, fitness and health. I consulted my doctor because I was having foot pain. When I told him I was a runner and was preparing for a marathon race, his response was, "At your age, you could hardly call it a race."

I was shocked. I repeated the insulting comment to my husband, who has never supported me in this nor attended my races. He replied, "Well, you don't actually consider yourself an athlete, do you?"

I am so offended that I want to dismiss both my doctor and my husband. I just finished a race with 5,000 women. Every one of them was fabulous and serious, no matter how old or what they looked like. It was the spirit of the sport that mattered. At what age does one stop being an athlete? -- OLDER ATHLETE, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR OLDER ATHLETE: When one becomes a couch potato -- perhaps like your husband. According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), an athlete is "a person who is trained or skilled in exercise, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility or stamina." And whether your husband chooses to acknowledge it or not is beside the point.

As for your doctor, I'd say his attempt at humor was demeaning, and he should practice his profession only if he's wearing a muzzle. I wouldn't blame you if you "laugh" your way to another doctor who practices preventive medicine by encouraging, and supporting, his patients' fitness regimens.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years -- 13 of them unhappily. We have three teenage children. I have filed for divorce twice, but allowed my husband to talk me out of it both times -- "for the sake of the kids" and his own emotional health. He has panic attacks and is verbally and emotionally abusive.

I want this divorce more than I want to breathe. I feel I deserve some happiness, too. Please help me. I have been to counseling. My counselor agrees that I need to do this for me, but my husband will use every kind of emotional blackmail at his disposal. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. -- MISERABLE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MISERABLE: You have paid good money to a licensed professional counselor, and have been told that for the sake of your own emotional well-being you need to move on. Don't you think it's time to follow through on the advice you paid for?

If you decide to move forward, I urge you to continue with counseling during the divorce process. It will help to guilt-proof you and your children from what you know will follow. A divorce may be best for everyone concerned -- including your husband, once he eventually realizes it.

DEAR ABBY: My son, a rodeo cowboy, wants to know the proper etiquette for a groom wearing a cowboy hat during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony will take place next July in a small Methodist church in Kansas. He really wants to wear his cowboy hat. Can he? -- SUZIE IN SMACKOVER, ARK.

DEAR SUZIE: Hats have become a standard part of many men's wardrobes in recent years, and the rules for wearing them have become less rigid. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette" (17th Edition), "hats can be left on ... at religious services, as required." However, your son should check with the clergyperson who will be officiating at the ceremony, just to be sure it's acceptable in his or her church.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the last 25 years, Americans have done a great deal to prevent fires in their homes. Home fire fatalities in the United States have dropped 50 percent since the 1970s, thanks in part to public awareness and education. Technology such as smoke alarms has helped, too -- by alerting home occupants when fires start and giving them time to escape.

However, while most categories of fire continue to decline, one category is on the upswing: candle fires. That is why this year, during Fire Prevention Week, the National Fire Protection Association is focusing its efforts on offering important candle safety information to Dear Abby readers.

Some facts to consider about candle fires: More candles are now being sold, and the result has been more fires. Candles have become such popular decorative accessories that during the last decade in the U.S., fires caused by candles have tripled in number to 18,000 per year. Forty percent of these fires begin in the bedroom, causing one-quarter of the deaths associated with candles! (December has almost twice the number of home candle fires as any other month.)

How can you safely enjoy candles at home? Extinguish them when leaving the room or before going to sleep. Make sure all candles are placed in sturdy holders, large enough to collect dripping wax. Keep them out of reach of children or pets. And use a flashlight -- not a candle -- for emergency lighting.

Thank you, Abby, for reminding your readers to be responsible when using candles. I hope everyone who reads this will take the necessary steps to guard against fire in their homes. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

DEAR JAMES: Thank you for wanting to protect my readers. Candles have, indeed, become popular home accessories -- just open the cover of any home decorating magazine and see the many ways they are displayed in the decor of patios, living rooms, dining rooms, bathrooms and "romantic" bedrooms.

(Two fatalities occurred in Chicago when a woman lighted a candle in her bedroom and then left the room. Her bed caught fire, and the smoke spread to her neighbors' apartments. She escaped, but tragically two of her neighbors died of smoke inhalation.)

Readers, Fire Prevention Week (Oct. 9-15) is not only a reminder, but also an opportunity to check around your homes for other fire hazards, and to be sure your smoke (and carbon monoxide) detectors are properly installed and maintained. It is also the time to review and practice with your families what escape plans you have in place in the event of an emergency. (You should have two alternative plans, and everyone in the household should be familiar with what they are.)

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been divorced for almost three years (no children). He married the woman he left me for. I have said goodbye to him, but he keeps coming up with excuses to talk with me. What is his problem? -- DISGUSTED IN TEXAS

DEAR DISGUSTED: Although your ex left you and remarried, on some level he still cannot let go. Unless you enjoy talking to him, start screening your calls. It's ironic that he's now using you to "cheat" on the woman with whom he was cheating on you, but it's more common than you think.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)