DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old female who competes in triathlons for fun, fitness and health. I consulted my doctor because I was having foot pain. When I told him I was a runner and was preparing for a marathon race, his response was, "At your age, you could hardly call it a race."

I was shocked. I repeated the insulting comment to my husband, who has never supported me in this nor attended my races. He replied, "Well, you don't actually consider yourself an athlete, do you?"

I am so offended that I want to dismiss both my doctor and my husband. I just finished a race with 5,000 women. Every one of them was fabulous and serious, no matter how old or what they looked like. It was the spirit of the sport that mattered. At what age does one stop being an athlete? -- OLDER ATHLETE, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR OLDER ATHLETE: When one becomes a couch potato -- perhaps like your husband. According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Edition), an athlete is "a person who is trained or skilled in exercise, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility or stamina." And whether your husband chooses to acknowledge it or not is beside the point.

As for your doctor, I'd say his attempt at humor was demeaning, and he should practice his profession only if he's wearing a muzzle. I wouldn't blame you if you "laugh" your way to another doctor who practices preventive medicine by encouraging, and supporting, his patients' fitness regimens.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years -- 13 of them unhappily. We have three teenage children. I have filed for divorce twice, but allowed my husband to talk me out of it both times -- "for the sake of the kids" and his own emotional health. He has panic attacks and is verbally and emotionally abusive.

I want this divorce more than I want to breathe. I feel I deserve some happiness, too. Please help me. I have been to counseling. My counselor agrees that I need to do this for me, but my husband will use every kind of emotional blackmail at his disposal. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated. -- MISERABLE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MISERABLE: You have paid good money to a licensed professional counselor, and have been told that for the sake of your own emotional well-being you need to move on. Don't you think it's time to follow through on the advice you paid for?

If you decide to move forward, I urge you to continue with counseling during the divorce process. It will help to guilt-proof you and your children from what you know will follow. A divorce may be best for everyone concerned -- including your husband, once he eventually realizes it.

DEAR ABBY: My son, a rodeo cowboy, wants to know the proper etiquette for a groom wearing a cowboy hat during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony will take place next July in a small Methodist church in Kansas. He really wants to wear his cowboy hat. Can he? -- SUZIE IN SMACKOVER, ARK.

DEAR SUZIE: Hats have become a standard part of many men's wardrobes in recent years, and the rules for wearing them have become less rigid. According to "Emily Post's Etiquette" (17th Edition), "hats can be left on ... at religious services, as required." However, your son should check with the clergyperson who will be officiating at the ceremony, just to be sure it's acceptable in his or her church.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Over the last 25 years, Americans have done a great deal to prevent fires in their homes. Home fire fatalities in the United States have dropped 50 percent since the 1970s, thanks in part to public awareness and education. Technology such as smoke alarms has helped, too -- by alerting home occupants when fires start and giving them time to escape.

However, while most categories of fire continue to decline, one category is on the upswing: candle fires. That is why this year, during Fire Prevention Week, the National Fire Protection Association is focusing its efforts on offering important candle safety information to Dear Abby readers.

Some facts to consider about candle fires: More candles are now being sold, and the result has been more fires. Candles have become such popular decorative accessories that during the last decade in the U.S., fires caused by candles have tripled in number to 18,000 per year. Forty percent of these fires begin in the bedroom, causing one-quarter of the deaths associated with candles! (December has almost twice the number of home candle fires as any other month.)

How can you safely enjoy candles at home? Extinguish them when leaving the room or before going to sleep. Make sure all candles are placed in sturdy holders, large enough to collect dripping wax. Keep them out of reach of children or pets. And use a flashlight -- not a candle -- for emergency lighting.

Thank you, Abby, for reminding your readers to be responsible when using candles. I hope everyone who reads this will take the necessary steps to guard against fire in their homes. -- JAMES M. SHANNON, PRESIDENT, NATIONAL FIRE PROTECTION ASSOCIATION

DEAR JAMES: Thank you for wanting to protect my readers. Candles have, indeed, become popular home accessories -- just open the cover of any home decorating magazine and see the many ways they are displayed in the decor of patios, living rooms, dining rooms, bathrooms and "romantic" bedrooms.

(Two fatalities occurred in Chicago when a woman lighted a candle in her bedroom and then left the room. Her bed caught fire, and the smoke spread to her neighbors' apartments. She escaped, but tragically two of her neighbors died of smoke inhalation.)

Readers, Fire Prevention Week (Oct. 9-15) is not only a reminder, but also an opportunity to check around your homes for other fire hazards, and to be sure your smoke (and carbon monoxide) detectors are properly installed and maintained. It is also the time to review and practice with your families what escape plans you have in place in the event of an emergency. (You should have two alternative plans, and everyone in the household should be familiar with what they are.)

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I have been divorced for almost three years (no children). He married the woman he left me for. I have said goodbye to him, but he keeps coming up with excuses to talk with me. What is his problem? -- DISGUSTED IN TEXAS

DEAR DISGUSTED: Although your ex left you and remarried, on some level he still cannot let go. Unless you enjoy talking to him, start screening your calls. It's ironic that he's now using you to "cheat" on the woman with whom he was cheating on you, but it's more common than you think.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My son, "Max," is 14. We have always been able to talk about everything. I have always told him he could trust me and his father. I am very proud of him.

Yesterday I was shocked speechless because Max shaved his legs! Although I almost had a heart attack, I tried to remain calm. He says that all his friends are doing it, and that the girls like it. His father sat down with him and told him that men do not shave their legs. My son says it is the fashion, and hairy legs are not "in."

Max is a wonderful young man. People always tell me how lucky we are to have such a terrific son. Am I overreacting? I'm confused and beginning to feel the generation gap. -- WORRIED MOM IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR WORRIED: Calm down and stop worrying. You have asked your son to trust you; now it's time to trust your son. Many perfectly normal males shave their legs -- including athletes, bodybuilders, bicyclists, swimmers and people in the public eye. And I'm sure many girls do like it, because it shows muscle definition to better advantage.

P.S. It's only hair. It will grow back.

DEAR ABBY: When I was 18, I married my best friend, "Tom." A year later, we had a baby girl, "China Lynn." When she was about a year old, Tom and I realized that although we loved each other, we were not IN love. Tom moved next door so he could see our daughter every day. It has worked out great.

When China Lynn was 5, I met "Harry," the love of my life. Tom met a terrific gal, and the five of us get along like one big happy family.

Harry and I just had a new baby boy. We want Tom and his new wife to be our son's godparents. A lot of people are saying it's just not right, or that we should ask someone else. I feel fortunate that China Lynn has four parents who love her, and I want my son to have that, too. Tom and his wife already treat him like they do China Lynn. Is that wrong? -- HAPPY NEW MOM IN TROY, N.Y.

DEAR HAPPY NEW MOM: I see nothing "wrong" with it. It may be unusual, but it only underscores the healthy, positive relationship you have with your former husband and his new wife. I say, go for it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single, 29-year-old male who has met a wonderful 20-year-old woman, "Robin." Would it be wrong for me to date Robin because of the age difference? I have never been married and have no kids. I have a great job and a home. I really like her.

My 20s were wild. I loved them and did many amazing things. But now I am moving into my 30s, and Robin is barely starting her 20s. She hasn't experienced the bar scene or other things I have moved on from. I still love to hit a sports bar and grab a beer, but the late nights out and the all-nighters are over. Would it be wrong for me to deprive her of her chance to experience her 20s? -- OLDER GUY BLUES IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OLDER GUY: You're asking the wrong person. Ask Robin if the bar scene would be more attractive to her than a serious relationship -- and possibly marriage. If her answer is yes, then you're not too old for her; she is too immature for you.

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