DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I married a wonderful man I'll call "Kenny." I am white and Kenny is African-American. After I announced my marriage, my father stopped taking my phone calls and e-mails, and refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever. He has never even met my spouse.

I continue to send my father cards on his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas, but I never receive any response. We live only three miles apart. Should I give up on communicating with him? I just cannot turn my back on my own father, but it appears he has done this to me.

I knew his feelings on interracial marriage when I married Kenny, but how long should a 45-year-old woman let a parent's disapproval stand in the way of her own happiness? -- DISOWNED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR DAUGHTER: At age 45, you made a mature decision. You knew when you married your husband that there would be a price tag for your happiness, and this is it. Face it: Your father is a racist whose prejudice is more important to him than your happiness. Please waste no more time hoping he will "mellow." Live your life and concentrate on your future.

Please stop banging on a door that may never open. The next move, if there is to be one, is up to your father.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of many years is terminally ill, with only a few days left on this Earth. When I heard the news, I immediately rushed to see her. We hadn't seen each other for about two years because of an argument.

The argument seems so trivial now. Because of it, we missed two precious years together. I feel fortunate that we got to talk and make amends, and she knows how much I love her. We cried the moment we saw each other.

I thank God I got this opportunity. So many times we don't have the chance. Please remind everyone that they really do need to say "I love you" today, because one day there will not be a tomorrow.

I'm glad I got to say everything I needed to her, as well as goodbye. My heart is aching. She's taking a part of me with her. We always thought we'd be here for each other all of our lives. I can't believe I have to carry on without her. -- LOST SOUL IN SYRACUSE

DEAR LOST SOUL: Thank you for an important letter, and for the reminder that sometimes it takes a tragedy to remind us that life is so fragile and to put our priorities in order.

When carrying a grudge takes over someone's life, sometimes the most healing thing a person can do is simply forgive and move on.

In the Jewish religion, in the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement), the faithful are commanded to ask forgiveness from anyone they may have wronged or offended during the year. In Judaism, God cannot forgive the sins a person has committed against another unless the sinner has asked that person for forgiveness. If the injured party rejects the apology three times -- and by the way, in the Old Testament it says it's a sin to carry a grudge -- the wrongdoer is then released from the obligation to ask forgiveness.

This year, the 10 days to ask forgiveness begin today.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently moved in with my fiance, "Eric." We plan on being married this fall. The mail arrived a little while ago, and his checking account is still in his ex-wife's name. Eric had promised he would open a new account and close this one when we first got together.

Now he contends that since she is remarried with another name, that there is no such person -- she no longer exists. Wouldn't his ex-wife still be a co-owner of the account since it is a joint account? Obviously, you have to have a Social Security number to open an account, and that doesn't change after marriage.

This has become a giant bone of contention, and it hurts every time I pick up "their mail." Eric says I am being "stupid" and I "don't understand." I say, open up a new account and start over with me. He becomes angry every time I mention it and says it makes him more determined to keep the account!

Frankly, Eric is starting to make me feel like I'm crazy for caring. Am I being unreasonable? Or is the writing on the wall telling me he still enjoys seeing their names together? -- HURT IN BLOOMINGTON, IND.

DEAR HURT: The checking account is the least of your worries. What the writing on the wall says to me is that your fiance's promises are all smoke and no substance, and your feelings are not important to him. That's a pretty strong message. Please pay attention. It's a taste of what your life will be like if you marry him.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to "Richard," the father of my child, 12 years ago. I was pregnant and having severe mood swings when I left him, and eventually we divorced. We had no further contact until a couple of months ago.

Our son told him some things about the way we now live, and the way my current husband has treated us. Richard was not pleased, to say the least. He offered his second home in another state to us, because he rarely uses it. He also gave me the impression that he still has feelings for me.

Our son, like any child, wants his parents to be back together. I have explained to him that neither his father nor I is even considering it at this point. Would it give him false hope if we were to move into his father's home? -- NEEDS TO GO

DEAR NEEDS TO GO: If the circumstances in which you and your son are now living are so unpleasant that his birth father is offering shelter and you "need to go" -- then go. Your son will cope better with his disappointment that his parents don't remarry than he will with living with an abusive stepparent. My advice to you is to move forward, but take it one step at a time and don't second-guess yourself.

DEAR ABBY: In a few weeks we will celebrate my little girl's second birthday. I'm very excited about being a mom. Because my parents are both deceased, I have been inviting co-workers who have children my daughter's age and a few neighbors.

One of my neighbors, a woman I'll call "Alice," gets depressed sometimes -- and when she does, she drinks way too much. Would it be all right to put on the invitation, "Please, No Alcohol"? Or should I just exclude her from the party? Please do not reveal my name, city or state. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ANONYMOUS: If you are hosting the birthday party, you should not have to mention alcohol on the invitation. Simply provide nonalcoholic beverages for your guests. However, if you would like "Alice" to attend, and you are afraid she might bring her own bottle, then tell her in advance that you prefer this party to be "dry" -- and that goes for all of the guests.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I got into an interesting discussion today. The topic: What would you do as far as burial is concerned if your spouse passed away and you remarried? Everyone had a different opinion.

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. If something were to happen to him and I remarried, where would I be buried? I would feel as if I were betraying both husbands if I chose one over the other. What is your opinion, and is there a "correct" answer to this? -- AURORA FROM MILWAUKEE

DEAR AURORA: There is no one "correct" answer to that question. What is right for one couple may not be right for another. Some widows (and widowers) remarry with the understanding that he or she will be buried with the first spouse. The logical and primary reason is that this will give the children from the first marriage one place to pay respects to both parents. Also, it's not uncommon for cemetery plots to be purchased years in advance.

However, because you would feel as if you were betraying both of your husbands if you chose to be buried with one over the other, allow me to offer a suggestion: Ask that your remains be cremated and divided equally between both husbands, providing it is all right with whoever survives you.

DEAR ABBY: I married my high school sweetheart, "Brent," at 17 and had a daughter with him. We have been together 5 1/2 years and married almost three years. I moved across country to a military base to accommodate his career.

Our main problem is that we argue a lot because he is never home. Brent is always hanging out with his friend. It's not that I don't trust him; I just want him to spend more time with me and his daughter. Sometimes I think we're not the same people we both fell in love with.

Brent has talked about counseling, but he never follows through. He won't give me a divorce, but he refuses to do anything to help the situation. I am trying to decide if I should pack my bags and leave with my daughter, and return to school and work on my degree. Please help me. I have everything on the line. -- MARRIED BUT ALONE IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR ALONE: Rather than packing your bags, check out schools in your area, and start working on your degree right where you are. At least you will have a roof over your head, and it will distract you from your loneliness. Once you have your degree, you will be better able to provide for your daughter should the need arise.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Rose," asked me something I'm not sure about -- so I'm turning to you.

An elderly friend of hers was ill, so Rose bought a get-well card and the people at her senior center all signed it. Before she could mail it, the friend passed away, so Rose asked me if it would be OK to send the get-well card along with a sympathy card.

I told her she should have the friends at the senior center just sign the sympathy card and send it. Now I'm having second thoughts. Do you think I said the right thing? -- UNSURE IN CAMPBELL, CALIF.

DEAR UNSURE: Absolutely. It was a little late to send a get-well card.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)