DEAR ABBY: My mother, "Belle," had me when she was 16. All my life I have been her best friend. I think she made it that way so she wouldn't have to deal with having a child. Belle has always abused alcohol and drugs. She was also married several times over the years. I don't think she ever really grew up.

My childhood was spent being shuffled from one family to the next. About a year ago, Belle got into trouble (again) and had nowhere to live. I am married with two young children. We live about three hours away from her "trouble." I invited her to come and stay with me so she could have a fresh start.

Well, Belle's driver's license was suspended because of past trouble, so I cart her around everywhere. She's still up to her same old tricks, parading men in and out, drinking, drugs, etc. This has caused many fights between me and my husband. I have reached the end of my rope. I don't want to just write Belle off because she's my mother. But I really don't want anything more to do with her. All she does is cause heartache for my children and me. What do I do? -- MY MOTHER'S KEEPER, MONROE, LA.

DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: Recognize that you are your CHILDREN'S mother, not your mother's. Having an adult in the house who abuses alcohol and drugs and "parades men in and out" creates an unhealthy atmosphere for your little ones. So give Belle an ultimatum: Get clean and sober immediately and forgo the gentlemen callers, or leave. This may seem cold, but unless you put your foot down, nothing will change.

Now that you are finished reading this, check your phone book for the nearest meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's a group that was created specifically for individuals like you who were raised in alcoholic or dysfunctional households. They can help you to stop making your mother's problems your own. If they're not in your phone book, e-mail them at info(at)adultchildren.org or write: ACA, Box 3216, Torrance, CA 90510-3216.

DEAR ABBY: Please remind college students, especially freshmen, not to give their Social Security number to strangers on campus. Every year, unauthorized people come to college campuses and represent themselves as belonging to organizations. Most universities have designated areas for vendors and apply strict guidelines on how they can solicit information.

People who approach students and aggressively solicit are probably not authorized to be there. They are collecting students' information for identity fraud. For incoming freshmen, the first semester of school can be very stressful. Unprepared, they may cave in to aggressive tactics.

Please remind your readers that their Social Security number is a very sensitive piece of information. With it, and someone's name and address, a thief can commit identity theft. The resulting crimes will cause endless headaches for students as they try to sort it out with credit companies, police departments and businesses. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY

DEAR LEARNED: Thank you for the crash course on financial self-defense. It's a shame that each year students are picked off like sitting ducks by unscrupulous predators. I'm sure many young men and women, away from home for the first time, will appreciate your reminder to guard their personal information.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Pregnant and Annoyed," the woman having her first child. She wants her mother there because of the woman's experience birthing four children and having coached other women through childbirth. The husband insists that if his mom can't also be there, no one will be there except him.

As a labor and delivery nurse with 25 years' experience, I would like to point out that while delivering a baby is a joyful event, it is also difficult and stressful. I have seen the progress of labor shut down by a woman's anxiety. This isn't a show for family entertainment. No one should be in the labor room unless the person is supportive to the laboring woman and she wants them there. Most labor and delivery nurses understand this, so all the expectant mother needs to do is tell her nurse. The nurse will then inform the mother-in-law that visitors are restricted to two. Case closed. -- NURSE ANDREA, SANTA CLARA

DEAR NURSE ANDREA: Thank you! The mail I received in response to that letter and my answer was varied. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: It's time that young woman grew up. Tell her she's a grown, married adult about to become a parent. She does not need her mother to hold her hand. This is a very personal, special time for a couple. They don't need her mom in the delivery room bossing people around.

The doctors and nurses are better trained than her mom. Because Mom is so "experienced," will she be raising the baby, too? Hubby had better put his foot down now or he'll be sorry. Maybe that's what he was trying to do when he insisted his mom be there. You should have told her that her mother belongs in the waiting room with the other grandparents. -- BEEN-THERE GRANDMA

DEAR ABBY: Tempted as I was to have the "this is my body, I call the shots" attitude, I'm glad I didn't. Both families were in the room as I labored; only the two of us during delivery. It was perfect for us.

Now as I lay on strict bed rest expecting our fourth child, watching my husband juggle our three girls, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, taking care of me, not to mention his own high-stress job, all without complaining even once, I'm grateful we have always worked as a team. -- PARENTING TOGETHER IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: It didn't say in your column why he wants his mother in the room. Perhaps he wants his mother there to reassure HIM. A lot of first-time fathers are scared. Maybe if she compromised, they would both get to have a memorable delivery. If everything doesn't go as planned, she could end up with a C-section and the argument would be moot, as they allow only one person in the room. -- JASMINE IN TORONTO

DEAR ABBY: I'm a family doc. You were right to tell her to talk to her OB. During the delivery we can take control of the situation for the good of the mom and baby. I sometimes had to clear the labor room of extraneous people -- even once tossing out the dad.

Early in labor it's usually OK for friends and family to visit. But when "push comes to shove" (pardon the pun), it's time for everyone to leave except Mom's coach and Dad -- and we docs can make that happen. -- M.D. IN ELK GROVE

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a great suggestion. She should make a deal with the husband. She'll let his mother attend the birth if he'll first change a flat tire naked in front of her father. (Didn't I marry a great guy?) -- PARENTS OF FOUR, OKLAHOMA CITY

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DEAR ABBY: I was in a car accident two months ago. My best friend, "Heather," was driving. We grew up together and refer to each other as sisters. We were both under the influence, and I was so intoxicated I didn't realize how smashed Heather was. Anyway, I was really banged up in the accident. She got away without a scratch.

For an entire week after the accident, Heather never once came to see how I was doing. It wasn't until after I was practically healed that she stopped by my house. Sometimes when I see her, I still feel angry at her -- or some emotion I can't put my finger on. I don't know if I still blame her or what. But now that I have healed, she doesn't want to talk about the incident, and I can't say anything because it makes her uncomfortable. But don't you think I am the victim here?

It is almost to the point where I don't want to be around her. After 20 years of having Heather in my life, I think I can survive without ever speaking to her again. What should I do? -- LOST IN SAN MATEO, CALIF.

DEAR LOST: For the sake of your 20-year friendship, clear the air and say what's on your mind -- including the fact that you felt betrayed when Heather failed to see you after the accident. She may have felt too guilty to face you.

There are times when saying "I'm sorry" and "I'll never drink and drive again" may seem inadequate. And yet, those things are exactly what need to be said -- and you need to hear them -- regardless of whether or not the subject makes Heather uncomfortable. For your own peace of mind, please do it soon. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of four children (ages 6, 4, 3 and 2 months). About a year ago, I gave my dad and stepmom temporary custody of my older kids so I could get my life together. During that time, I have gotten a job and found a great man. The fourth baby was not planned.

I plan on moving to a larger place in February when my lease is up, and then getting my older three kids back. My question is: My stepmom says that my other children won't understand about the new baby and the fact that he can live with Mommy and they can't. So they have not seen him or Mommy since he was born. I'm not sure it is right to keep him from them. Who is right? -- CONCERNED MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONCERNED: You are. Your children are old enough to understand that they are living with your father because you had problems and couldn't afford for them to stay with you for a while. If they want to know why the baby can live with you and they can't, tell them that it's because the baby is tiny and needs to stay with you -- just as they did when they were babies. Assure them that in just a few months you will all be together again. THAT'S what they need to know. Distancing yourself from your children and hiding their sibling is not healthy for them -- or for you.

DEAR ABBY: I have often heard the saying, "That would be like opening Pandora's box." Where did that phrase originate? -- YVONNE IN NORLINA, N.C.

DEAR YVONNE: It refers to a story from Greek mythology. The box was a gift to Pandora from the gods, but was given with the warning that she should never open it. When curiosity got the better of Pandora and she opened it anyway, a swarm of evils was loosed upon mankind.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)