DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how to respond to people who sit at a table with me (in my home, theirs or out) and make comments about being full, eating just "because it's there," or "for the flavor" -- and continue to eat? All of my family members are overweight. I am the smallest by far at a size 8. They engage in this often, and it distresses me.

I don't want to jump up from the table, clear away the dishes and tell them to stop eating, but I also don't enjoy hearing them talk about how much they shouldn't be eating while they continue to do so.

Most of them have been advised more than once by physicians to lose weight for the sake of their health. Other than bringing food to share that's low in sugar and fat, is there a way to politely deal with this bizarre behavior? -- FED UP IN HOUSTON

DEAR FED UP: No, there isn't. But you can save your sanity by recognizing idle chatter for what it is and tuning it out. In your own home, you can simply serve less food -- or clear away the tempting leftovers and relocate your guests away from the table. However, in a restaurant or in their homes that wouldn't work. So accept that your relatives won't address their weight problems until they are ready to do so, and try to be less judgmental.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Zack" for a year and a half. We had discussed taking a trip to visit his friends in a couple of months. I'm a very independent person, but recently have had some financial difficulties that I anticipate will be temporary. I explained to Zack that I wouldn't be able to afford the trip. It would have meant paying for my plane ticket, half the cost of the car we'd have to rent and half the hotel bill.

Zack has a steady job that pays very well. I thought he would speak up and offer to pay for at least some part of my expense for the trip, but he didn't. Was I expecting too much, or is he just plain cheap? -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: It would have been a generous offer, but it appears your boyfriend isn't the generous type. In a sense, however, he may have given you a priceless gift: a glimpse of what life would be like with him in the future if the chips were down. Please act accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 13-year-old girl. I love my mom, but she doesn't trust me. Sometimes I would like to talk to her but she never listens. It's like she wants me to mess up so she can punish me.

I once tried to talk to her about sex. She thought I was pregnant! Am I wrong for just wanting to know? Sometimes I don't do anything wrong and I still get in trouble.

I have thought about running away, but this is where my heart is. Is it me? Why won't she trust me? I make good grades. -- BAFFLED IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR BAFFLED: Your letter made me sad. By now, your mother should have made it clear that you could bring any question to her and she would answer it -- or help you find the answer you need.

Your mother may be uncomfortable talking about sex, or she could be under stress about something else in her life. Please ask an adult friend or close relative to speak to her on your behalf. Your mother may be hard on you because she doesn't want you to mess up. Children don't come with a list of instructions, and she may be going overboard trying to protect you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was glad to see your reply to "Frustrated in Florida," who doesn't share a bedroom with her husband and is getting heat about it from her parents and in-laws. You said there is no law that demands couples have to.

My husband and I also sleep in separate rooms. We are embarrassed to let people know we don't sleep together because they automatically assume we're not getting along. We still have a very close relationship and always will. -- HAPPY WITH SEPARATE BEDROOMS, GURNEE, ILL.

DEAR HAPPY: That letter brought in bushels more from couples who also sleep better apart. It seems the practice isn't as unusual as some might think. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I haven't shared a bed for 15 of the 20 years we've been married. It saved our marriage. He's a night owl; I'm an early-to-bed, early-to-rise type who sleeps very lightly. Sharing a bedroom is not a part of the marriage vows. It's whatever works best for the couple -- and nobody else's business. -- SLEEPING SOLO, PENDLETON, IND.

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage, we use separate bedrooms, too. I have insomnia and am going through menopause. My cowboy sleeps with a lot of covers and is always cold. We tell anyone who questions our arrangement that sharing a bed doesn't guarantee sex all the time. With us, I ask my cowboy, "Should I go to the Holiday Inn or Best Western tonight?" It works for us, and we sleep great. -- RESTED IN MOUNT PULASKI, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: Sleeping in separate rooms saved my marriage. For years, we forced ourselves to share the same bed. I finally got mad and slept in the guest room one night. We both woke up the next morning relatively sane! The only one who has a hard time with this is the family dog, who now must rotate between bedrooms. We have no problem arranging "together time." As for family members, it's none of their business. -- NO LONGER FRUSTRATED, LAKE WORTH, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: It took our marriage to almost fail before we realized we just needed to sleep apart. Our physical relationship improved after we used separate bedrooms because we were better rested and not so irritable with each other.

We have never told our families about it. If you print this, please do not reveal my name or location. They still don't know. -- HAPPY IN DREAMLAND

DEAR ABBY: I'm a morning person, in bed by 10:30 p.m. My husband usually stays up till 1 a.m. Having separate bedrooms works beautifully for us. When I retire at night, he rubs my feet with cream. In the morning, I bring him his coffee in bed.

Everyone needs time to themselves. I have my alone time in the morning; he has his at night. We're always happy to see each other after our alone time. For 45 years, this has worked perfectly for us. When anyone acts surprised that we have separate bedrooms, we always say, "Oh, but we have plenty of visitation!" That gets 'em. -- SLEEPING SOUNDLY IN HAWAII

DEAR ABBY: Silence is golden, I say. And that goes for telling marriage secrets outside the home. Where they sleep is nobody's business but their own! -- BETHESDA SLEEPER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Justin," and I have been together 12 years, married for five. We get along well, except for one thing, his so-called "jokes."

Rather than coming out and saying I've done something that bothers him, Justin will make a sarcastic comment, then insist he's "just kidding." If I forget to turn off a light, he'll say something like, "So, you're trying to make sure the electric company doesn't go out of business -- right?" If I tell him his unshaven face hurts when he kisses me, he'll say, "Most women would love it if their husbands gave them kisses all the time ... maybe I should have married one of them." No single remark sounds that terrible, but it's been going on for 12 years and I've had enough.

No matter what he says, as long as Justin claims to be "kidding," he doesn't think I have a reason to get angry. He'll say I don't have a sense of humor, or that I'm "thin-skinned." I tell him frequently that it bothers me. I have asked repeatedly that he just say what's on his mind, but he doesn't. How can I get through to him that what he's doing isn't "joking"; it's avoiding accountability for his comments? -- NOT AMUSED IN VERMONT

DEAR NOT AMUSED: It would be interesting to know something about the atmosphere in which your husband was raised, because emotionally, he's a coward. The term for what he's doing is "passive aggression." People who use it aren't secure enough to be directly confrontational, so they beat around the bush -- taking little jabs here and there, not enough to do serious damage. The measured doses of venom keep their victim off balance and in a constant state of irritation. (If the targets react, it becomes "their" fault.)

You must be a very strong person to have tolerated this for so long. I'm sad to say, your husband may be incapable of changing. However, a way to get him to recognize what he's doing, and how damaging it is, would be through marriage counseling. If he won't go, go without him. It will give you insight and perspective.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has been living with this guy for seven years. We don't live with her, but when we visit, he mentally and emotionally abuses her. Yesterday he cussed me and my brother out, and threatened to beat us up.

My mother wants to leave but she can't. I know it's none of my business because I am only 13, but my brother and I want her to get out. We don't like this guy and don't want to see him anymore. I have told my mother this. She says she'll leave, but she never does! What should I do? I need help to get her to leave this guy because mental abuse leaves a scar on your life that causes you to hate and fear others. -- MICHAEL IN NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR MICHAEL: For someone 13, you are very world-wise. I respect that you want to help your mother get away. However, that will take not only careful planning, but a strong desire on her part -- and I'm not sure your mother really wants to go.

Are her parents still living? If they are, tell them what you have told me. Does she have sisters and brothers? Tell them, too. If she has no one, give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (� HYPERLINK "http://www.hndvh.org" ��www.ndvh.org�). When she's ready, they can help her make a plan for leaving. But no one can do this for her. Ultimately, this is something your mother must do for herself.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)