DEAR ABBY: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions.

When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture.

I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport? -- NEGATIVE ABOUT THE PHOTOS, MANHATTAN, KAN.

DEAR NEGATIVE: You're not a poor sport; your mother has a cruel streak. No one ever taught her that true humor lies in the ability to laugh WITH people rather than AT them.

Because this has been her pattern for 50 years, it's unlikely you will ever change her. However, it may console you to know that by insisting on displaying those unflattering pictures, your mother is revealing more about her character than anything in the photos.

DEAR ABBY: You answered a question from a reader who asked how to respond when her 300-pound friend wanted to ride her horse but was too heavy for the animal to safely carry.

What should I tell my daughter-in-law who weighs at least that much when she wants to sit on my living room sofa and chairs? She has already split the wood frame on one of them. It was less than seven months old. I had it repaired, but I can't afford new furniture. The chairs are not big enough for her body. I would prefer she sit on the kitchen chairs, which are heavy.

Their living room furniture is less than five years old, but it already looks 20 years old. The fabric is sagging and the springs are broken.

I asked my son to say something to her, but he hasn't. I feel he should be the one to tell her. They'll be visiting again soon. What should I say to her? Or should I insist that my son tell her? -- MINNESOTA MOTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR MINNESOTA M.I.L.: Before your son and daughter-in-law arrive, put one of the sturdy kitchen chairs in the living room. When your daughter-in-law comes in, guide her to the chair you want her to use. If she questions you about it, explain that after her last visit you had to have the chair she used repaired and that this one is sturdier. Say it kindly, but if she takes offense -- so be it.

DEAR ABBY: How do you ask a friend not to include you in fund-raising and parties? I have never been much of a party-goer. I dislike them and avoid them if I can. But I get tired of saying no. If I go, I can hardly wait to get back home -- and sometimes I get several invites to parties for pets, jewelry, pots and pans, etc., which I neither need nor can afford. Do you have any comments on this? -- STUCK IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR STUCK: You are only as "stuck" as you choose to be. As I see it, you have two choices: Refuse the invitations as they are received, or tell these hostess/entrepreneurs that you do not want to be invited to parties of this kind. Then, if they persist, recognize that "real" friends don't subject friends to temptation -- and take a giant step backward.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother has a family heirloom that has been handed down several generations within my deceased father's family. Over the years, she has apparently told each family member he or she could have it upon her passing -- or so they say.

About four years ago, I was talking to Mom long-distance, and she asked what I'd like to have upon her passing. I replied, "Nothing, except some of the things I have given you over the years -- and I wouldn't mind having the heirloom." She said everyone wanted it, but because I had always shown an interest in family history and no one else in the family had, I should be the one to have it. She said Dad would have liked that.

I said, "If you want me to have it, please write my name on it, because I won't get it otherwise." She said she didn't feel that our family was "that way."

Some time later, I was visiting and noticed my name was permanently and discreetly written on the heirloom. Mom now says that the family is in an uproar, and she does not remember writing my name! The family is claiming I either wrote my name on the heirloom myself, or coerced her into doing it. (Not true!)

Mother has serious health problems, one being memory-related. She refuses to tell other family members that she made up her mind long ago and wrote the name herself. I think she knows she wrote it, but wants to avoid family strife, and that's why she won't acknowledge her actions -- which means I'm taking the brunt of this.

I feel Mom was of sound mind when she made her decision, so what's the problem? I'm not a dishonest person, and it upsets me immensely to be falsely accused when I'm guilty of nothing more than saying I wanted the heirloom. How do I get this cleared up? -- WRONGLY ACCUSED IN MISSOURI

DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: By promising the heirloom to various family members over the years, your irresponsible mother has guaranteed that there will be dissension upon her death. That everyone who was promised the item now wants it is understandable.

Because she is memory-impaired, she may actually NOT remember having put your name on the item or when it was done. The question you must answer is, which is more important to you -- the heirloom or your family? If it's the latter, then a possible solution would be to draw straws for it when the time comes, or have it appraised and everyone who wants it bid on it so the money can be divided among the losers.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 17-year-old niece who lives next door. She's a great kid, and she started a part-time summer job a half-mile down the road from our house back in June.

The problem is her father is unable to drive her, and her mother isn't in the picture. I have been driving her to and from her job every day, Monday through Friday. I suggested that she pay me $5 a week for gas, but no one seems to agree with me. I say, if she's old enough to work, she's old enough to have that responsibility. What do you think? -- STANDING ON PRINCIPLE, KNOXVILLE, MD.

DEAR STANDING: If you need the money, then you should be paid. However, if you don't, then charging $5 for the favor you're doing your niece doesn't begin to cover what she owes you -- and you are being foolish to put a price on it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 62 and my husband is 93. Our next-door neighbor, "Sam," likes to expose himself. Other than that, he's a good neighbor and always ready to help out.

One day, a couple of my women friends were over visiting, and Sam stood in his doorway naked as a jaybird, waving at them. Maybe he thinks it pays to advertise. Mostly, he does this when my husband has gone inside the house.

His behavior worries me. If anything should happen to my husband, do you think Sam would try to force himself on me? Could he attack me and try to rape or murder me, or is he just a nice guy who likes to expose himself, and not the least bit dangerous?

I don't want to be a bad neighbor, and I don't want my name revealed, but this neighbor is really making me uneasy. Should I report what he's been doing to the police? -- SCARED IN HAWAII

DEAR SCARED: Listen to your intuition -- it's the impulse that made you write to me. It is an alarm bell. I don't know your neighbor, so I can't predict whether he's a rapist in the making. However, I DO know that his behavior is deviant and highly inappropriate -- and for that reason, the police should be notified. Immediately!

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Emily," became engaged last week. She is planning her wedding, which will take place next year.

Emily's choice of a wedding date is causing a lot of hurt feelings among our family. She wants to be married on what would have been our father's birthday.

Daddy passed away while we were young, and it has been hard on the family. A lot of us feel she's being selfish to choose a day that belongs to our father and make it her own. Emily insists that she's trying to honor Daddy -- although some of her other actions suggest that she's acting out of spite for the rest of us. A lot of the family are saying they don't want to attend.

I would hate to see my sister heartbroken on her wedding day, but do you find her choice of date appropriate or selfish? -- ASKANCE IN SOUTHERN CALIF.

DEAR ASKANCE: I, too, would hate to see your sister heartbroken on her wedding day, and I'm having trouble understanding how her being married on her deceased father's birthday would be selfish or disrespectful to his memory. From my perspective, she has chosen a day that has been tinged with sadness and is trying to give it a happier connotation. Because her father cannot give her away, she's including him on her special day in a different way. More power to her.

DEAR ABBY: My mom and dad are divorced. Mom has a new boyfriend and my dad has a girlfriend. When I'm with my dad and his girlfriend is over, I feel left out because he doesn't pay as much attention to me as he used to. The sad thing is, when I'm with my mom I feel the same way.

Do you think it would be fair if one day out of the week my mom would take me somewhere for, like, an hour, and THEN my mom and I do something with her boyfriend? The same goes for my dad, too. -- LOST IN THE SHUFFLE

DEAR LOST: From the mouths of babes. I think it's a terrific idea. But I also think your one-on-one time with each of your parents should be more than one hour a week.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)