DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I lost a treasured stuffed animal from my childhood. I told my husband about it, and how sad it made me.

Being the caring, thoughtful person he is, he went on eBay to see if he could find one like it. He thought he had located it, but wanted to be absolutely sure, so he sent my mom the link. She informed him it wasn't the same bear and convinced him not to buy it, but still he told me about it.

The next time we went to visit my mother, she said she had a "surprise" for me. As we were packing to go home, she presented the surprise: The same teddy bear my husband had shown her. He was very upset, but did not confront her.

My husband has also mentioned that he feels my mother doesn't like him. Would it be OK to ask her why she bought the bear after talking him out of it? If so, how would you suggest mentioning it without sounding accusatory? -- UPSET IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR UPSET: Stop worrying about sounding accusatory, and just ask her why she did it. Maybe she wanted to be a "hero." Maybe she felt the need to upstage your husband. Whatever the reason, she should explain herself. She owes your husband an apology.

DEAR ABBY: I am 10 and go to an elementary school where there is zero tolerance for bullying, teasing, fighting, etc. I have extremely low vision and have to wear glasses, but nobody made fun of me. (I'm the only one in class who wears glasses.)

A friend of my mom's son is starting first grade this coming year. His vision is lower than mine, and he has to wear very thick glasses. They are so thick the other kids might consider him a "nerd."

How can I comfort him? He is already sad. Do you think the kids will make fun of him? -- KID WITH GLASSES IN MISSOURI

DEAR KID WITH GLASSES: Support your friend by making a point of "being there" for him if he needs to talk, and if he's feeling bad about himself, reassure him by reminding him of his good points. However, because your school has zero tolerance for students abusing each other, the boy may not encounter the problems you fear he will.

One way to ensure tolerance and understanding would be for the teacher to prepare her students by explaining to them the disability their classmate is dealing with. When I was in grammar school, a deaf girl joined my class. Once her condition was understood by the other students, she was readily accepted.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor, who has been divorced for about a year and a half, has a day job. Her ex-husband is unemployed and lives just down the street. While my neighbor is at work and her two teenage sons are away, her ex goes into her house, sometimes for an hour or more. (He has access to their children's house keys.) At certain times of the month, I see him digging through her trash can at the end of the driveway.

I am sure she has no idea of what is going on at her house while she is at work. Knowing his bad behavior in the past, should I let my neighbor know what her ex-husband is doing? -- DILEMMA IN NORTHEAST TEXAS

DEAR DILEMMA: I am reminded of the profound saying, "All that is necessary for evil to happen is for good men to remain silent." What are you waiting for? Speak up!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a licensed counselor and adjunct faculty member in communications. I hope you will help me get a message out to parents who are sending their children off to college this fall. Every semester, I see kids who have a miserable college experience due to roommate conflicts. Some students become so distracted that their grades suffer, and some actually move back home.

A successful college experience requires both academic and social skills. Parents can prepare their children by teaching them the vital social skill of settling differences before they become overwhelming. This will not only help them make their college years successful, but also the rest of their lives.

I offer five tips for parents:

(1) OFFER SUGGESTIONS, NOT SOLUTIONS. Help your children become critical thinkers by imagining scenarios, considering possible outcomes and brainstorming solutions. Conflict resolution is a skill that needs to be practiced. Telling your children what to do -- or worse, handling the problem for them -- does more harm than good because it creates dependency.

(2) PREPARE FOR CONFLICT: Teach your child that conflict does not have to be negative; it can also be an opportunity to think creatively. Conflict is inevitable because people are different. Even best friends can have differences in needs, living habits, stress levels and communication skills.

(3) SHARE EXPECTATIONS. The more that's discussed beforehand, the better the relationship. Roommate contracts are popular today, and many universities require them as a way to get kids talking about their expectations. Encourage your child to discuss things like sleep and study habits, bills, sharing items, cleaning, and the best times to have visitors.

(4) ENCOURAGE FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATIONS. More and more kids today would rather communicate through e-mail, IM and text-messaging rather than face-to-face. Without the benefit of facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, messages can be misunderstood. Also, warn kids that gossiping to others instead of talking directly to their roommate only escalates problems.

(5) ASK FOR HELP BEFORE THE SITUATION BECOMES CRITICAL. Residence life staff will help to mediate, as long as the student has already tried problem-solving face-to-face. (Unfortunately, too many students wait to mention that there's a problem until they want to move out, or, at the first sign of trouble, they report it to their RA expecting that person to solve it.) Campus counseling centers are also available for help if a roommate is exhibiting signs of mental illness such as depression, substance abuse or cutting. In addition, a counseling session can help your child learn to deal with stress and find better ways to manage the situation. -- SUSAN FEE, AUTHOR OF "MY ROOMMATE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

DEAR SUSAN: From time to time over the years, I have received mail from students complaining about "the roommate from hell." And you're right, too often people (of all ages) wait until the situation becomes critical before asking for help. I hope your suggestions will help parents to have some important conversations with their children before they fly the nest, because the subject is too important to cover in just one session. On their behalf, I thank you for writing.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, "Roy," learned he was HIV-positive last year. The only people who know are his doctors, his preacher, me and my current husband. Roy doesn't want our two grown daughters to find out because he doesn't want to be confronted with "questions." There are things about my ex and his lifestyle that I certainly don't want our girls to know about. However, I know that they love their daddy and would not dwell on how he got the virus but would act as his No. 1 support group.

If and when Roy's condition should progress into AIDS, I feel his daughters need to be there supporting him, not left out of the loop. I can't even begin to imagine how I could keep something like that a secret. What can I do? -- CAN'T DECIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: For the time being, keep your husband's condition confidential. If and when his condition progresses into AIDS, revisit the question with him. At that time, I agree with you that your daughters should be told -- and he should be the one to do it. However, it is your husband's life and your husband's death, and his wishes should prevail.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I love dearly, but she does something that's driving a wedge between us. She copies everything about me -- from my perfume to my hairstyle to my jewelry.

I have always tried to have my own style, something that sets me apart from others, and to have my best friend copy me makes me furious. When we go to trade shows we look like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, and it's embarrassing.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't like it. People are starting to make fun of her behind her back. How can I communicate to her that she needs to find her own sense of self? -- CARBON-COPIED IN SANTA MARIA

DEAR CARBON-COPIED: I have received questions on the subject before. What your friend is doing can be very annoying, and friendships have ended over it. So speak up before it escalates.

Schedule a get-together with her someplace where you can talk privately and frankly. Tell her you realize that imitation is a form of flattery, but that she's making you uncomfortable, and people are beginning to notice and comment. Then cross your fingers and hope she complies -- because there is no guarantee she will.

DEAR ABBY: My brother "Ralph" recently became engaged. He relied on my mother to tell the rest of us (his siblings) his good news.

Ralph was wondering why nobody called to congratulate him the minute we heard. I say he should have been the one making the phone calls and telling us himself instead of Mother. It isn't like we have a lot of siblings. There are only four of us, including Ralph. Because we disagree on the proper etiquette, I told him I'd write you to find out what that is. -- UPSET SISTER, BRIDGEWATER, MASS.

DEAR UPSET SISTER: Let me guess what has been going on in your family for years -- your mother has been the family message center. If I'm right, then when Ralph told Mama, he expected her to spread the news.

A message to all of you: Mama isn't going to be here forever. So open the lines of communication and start speaking up for yourselves NOW. Not only will it bring you closer, it will prevent misunderstandings in the future.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)