DEAR ABBY: I am in a committed 10-year marriage with "Cathy," a woman I love dearly. My problem is, Cathy doesn't trust me. Her ex-husband cheated on her, her father cheated on her mother, and I feel like I'm paying for their sins.

I play in a band that has "gigs" in bars once a month. I also like to go for a beer with the fellas after work a couple of times a month. (I work days in a manufacturing plant.) Whenever I play with the band and Cathy is present, I constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any women in her presence.

The place I work has 1,200 employees. Many of them come to see our band to show their support. (The majority of our employees are female.) Cathy considers it disrespectful to her that they come to hear us, and she acts as if she's in constant fear that I might stray, despite my reassurances that I'm totally committed to her.

What can I do? I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. -- DESPERATE TO UNDERSTAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DESPERATE: There is nothing you can do because the problem isn't yours; it's your wife's. Until you came into her life, her two most significant male relationships were with men who were unfaithful. The fact that the male role model -- her father -- was a cheater set up her expectations for how "all" men behave.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to have a serious talk with your wife about how her suspicions make you feel. It is unrealistic to expect you to spend the rest of your life wearing blinders and talking only to men. If she's smart, she'll talk to a counselor about this, because suspicion and accusations that an innocent spouse is cheating can destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity can.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25, single and hard-working. I am also pregnant. The father, "Zack," is married and expecting his first child in August. I'm due in October.

I met Zack at a bar. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, just a fun evening. Zack seemed like a nice guy. He never said he was involved with anyone, let alone married, and he wasn't wearing a ring. Well, our night of passion has now led to a lifetime of concern.

Zack doesn't want me to "ruin his marriage," and I don't want to be called a homewrecker. I initially didn't want him involved at all, but reality has set in and I will need his financial help.

Once my baby is born, Zack will be taking a blood test to establish paternity. My family knows nothing about all this, but it's hard to hide. It will be even harder once the court comes into play regarding child support.

How should I break it to them? Should I be ashamed? I don't think so, because I didn't know Zack was married -- so why is he burdening me with the guilt of ruining his marriage? -- MOTHER-TO-BE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MOTHER-TO-BE: Tell your family in plain English about what's going on, because you are going to need their emotional support in the months to come. Clearly, you will get none from Zack because he will have his hands full explaining this child to his wife.

Should you be ashamed? Unless you consider having unprotected sex with a stranger you met at a bar one of your prouder moments, I think you should.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old daughter, "Teddi," is extremely accident-prone and has been since she started walking. It has become a family joke that Teddi can trip over air. She has fallen down stairs, tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, breaking her foot, and most recently, stepped on a rake and knocked out a tooth.

How do I deal with her teachers and friends' parents who look at me like I'm an abusive mother? My daughter always seems to have a bruise or cut somewhere. I have received my share of phone calls from concerned teachers, and each time I explain that Teddi is very accident-prone.

I love Teddi and have taken every precaution I can to help her have fewer accidents, short of putting her in a bubble to protect her from herself. She has perfect vision and no balance issues. Please advise me. -- TIRED OF ACCUSATIONS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR TIRED: Schedule your daughter for a complete physical and neurological checkup. If the doctors find nothing wrong, then it's time to take your daughter to a psychologist to find out what might be causing her problem. You should have done so as soon as you began getting calls from her teachers.

DEAR ABBY: My husband tells me my job as a wife is to obey him and be subservient. For the most part, I am. Dinner is always on the table, the house is clean, the bills are paid, etc. All he has to do is go to work and take the trash out on Sundays. I do everything else.

If I disagree with anything he says, I'm told that I'm being a bad wife and mother for not obeying him. I am not allowed to work outside the home, although I have a nursing degree. He says marriage is a contract and that love doesn't factor into it. He has told me that he doesn't love me or even like me. He is emotionally and verbally abusive.

I worry that ending the marriage will hurt the children, but I also worry that continuing this unloving relationship will hurt them even more. I don't want them to grow up not knowing what a loving relationship between a husband and wife is like, or thinking that they can't stand up for themselves or what they believe in. But I'm afraid that divorce would cause them even more damage. What's your unbiased advice? -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN IN PA.

DEAR BETWIXT: When your husband married you, he promised to love, honor and cherish you. If marriage is a contract, then he broke the agreement long ago. My advice is to consult a lawyer and don't look back. Children raised in the kind of atmosphere you have described have far more problems than do children of divorce.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you wrote, "To paraphrase a quote I heard many years ago, 'We have seen the enemy, and it is us.'" It might interest you to know it was a dialogue from a classic Pogo cartoon.

Give credit where credit is due. The credit belongs to Walt Kelly. -- DAVE WAGNER, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR DAVE: Bless you for sending a copy of the cartoon, which depicts Pogo talking to another creature as they survey a creek filled with old tires, broken bottles, plastic cups, etc. When his companion comments, "It is hard walking on this stuff," Pogo responds, "Yep, son, we have met the enemy and he is us." How right he was!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful, intelligent 18-year-old daughter, "Lara," has just completed her first year of college. She's attending school out of state in the same city where her father, "Grant" -- my ex -- is living.

Abby, Grant left when Lara was 5 months old. He left us for his sister, with whom he had been having an affair, because she told him she was pregnant with his child. The divorce was very hard on us, and my daughter has been in counseling for years -- including at the college.

Lara spends her holidays with her father, her aunt and their two children. She's aware of the incestuous relationship and vents a lot of anger at me for the rough time we've had. In the past, Lara's therapists have told me she directs her anger at me because "she can't get angry at the person she should really be angry at -- her father."

My daughter refuses to tell her current therapist about the incestuous relationship because she's afraid it will be reported to the authorities and the children will be taken away. The sister bought Lara a car and a cell phone, and pays the phone bill, car insurance and some of Lara's other expenses. I suspect the thought of losing the car and cell phone have something to do with my daughter's hesitation to level with her therapist.

How can I get Lara to stop abusing me because of her repressed anger at her father? -- LOVING MOTHER IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: The most effective way to stop someone from abusing you is to quit tolerating it. The next time your daughter becomes abusive, inform her that you do not deserve to be treated that way and will not listen. Tell her that unless she is willing to level with her therapist, she might as well quit because it's a waste of everyone's time. Say it in as loving a tone as you can, and do not raise your voice. Then politely end the conversation. You have suffered enough.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please suggest to teenage baby sitters or young houseguests that they ask permission from the homeowner about using their computer before just jumping on it?

We recently hired a lovely young lady to baby-sit our son. I didn't think to mention that she should stay off our computer because it contains sensitive personal and business data. Our son later informed us that she had been on the computer even while he was still awake. That's not what we pay her for. Parents should instruct their teenagers that other people's home computers are off-limits. -- FURIOUS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR FURIOUS: I have a better idea. Owners of home computers with "sensitive" information on them should install a password to prevent the kind of activity you have described. And if I were you, I'd find a more mature baby sitter with a more professional attitude than that "lovely young lady" -- because while she was on your computer, she was neglecting your son.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)