DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was 5, after my father was sent to prison on drug charges. He was released a couple of years ago. When we were little, Mom never talked about him. She never told us what he did that landed him in jail. After his release, my sister and I didn't want to see him.

Eventually, I met a wonderful guy I'll call "Mike." Mike's aunt is a loving woman and we have a warm relationship. Then she met and fell in love with my father.

Now that I have spent time with them, I have heard the whole story. Mom was my father's partner in dealing the drugs. My father didn't implicate her in any of the charges because he wanted her free to raise me and my sisters. I was shocked, because Mom never told us any of this.

My mother refuses to be anywhere near my father, or at any gathering where he is present. Because of this, Mike and I have postponed having a wedding, baptizing our son or giving him a first birthday party. My father doesn't understand why, since he and Mom are both remarried, she can't just move on with her life.

We want our son to enjoy both of his grandparents. I have considered holding these events and inviting both of them, and letting them know I want both of them to be part of my life. Please tell me what to do. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN INDIANA

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: The first thing you should do is have a talk with your mother and tell her exactly what your father told you. She may not want to be around him because she doesn't want to face her past, or he may have abused her -- but give her a chance to explain.

You should not put your life on hold trying to please your parents. You are all adults now. So have your wedding, baptize your son and celebrate his special events. If they can't be in the same room together, then invite them to alternate events.

DEAR ABBY: I am about to be divorced from an alcoholic. At the time I filed, he said he would get his own place and move the furniture he wanted out of my home. (Some of it is hand-me-downs from his family.)

Now that things are in the final stages, he still hasn't saved any money and shows no sign of getting a place of his own. He's staying with friends and has very limited space.

According to the divorce agreement, we have settled all property disputes, and whatever each has in his or her possession belongs to him or her. I have a lot of his possessions -- mostly furniture.

I don't want or need this stuff. He still says he wants some of it and expects me to hold it indefinitely. I am ready to move on with my life, and can't do it in a house filled with all of his belongings. I have tried to be nice and have been repaid with alcoholic rampages. What should I do about his belongings? -- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN FLORIDA

DEAR TRYING TO MOVE ON: Discuss this with your lawyer. Have your lawyer contact his lawyer, and give him a date after which the furniture must be out of your house. Make it plain that if it isn't out, it will either be donated to charity or put in storage under his name and at his expense.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife spends all her spare time with a female friend I'll call "Cassandra." Last August they went to Nicaragua for two weeks, at Cassandra's expense. They are planning a trip to Puerto Rico next month. Again, Cassandra is footing the bill. They spent a week together in Louisville at a church-sponsored activity. They give each other oil massages in our bed and make frequent bets with each other with the massages as the payoff.

They spend as much as three hours a day communicating, whether it be via phone, e-mail or text-messaging. They see each other a minimum of once a week, plus at church, and we live 50 miles apart.

When they're together, I can repeat a question four times or more and never be acknowledged. They make special dinners and buy each other gifts. The items my wife receives are many times what we can afford. When they're on the phone or e-mailing, dinners have been burned and normal things that should be done around the house don't get done.

Do you think there is something I should be concerned about here? -- WONDERING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WONDERING: Yes, I do, because you do not appear to be first on your wife's list of priorities. You and she -- and probably her girlfriend -- are overdue for a long and very frank talk.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I expect our first child in three months. His mother is already pressuring us to let her baby-sit, and eventually have the child for summers and vacations. The problem is, her negligence and poor judgment while raising her own children led to them both being physically and sexually abused. She continues to be friendly with anyone who will be friendly with her, including the family members who abused her children.

There is no way I'll ever let her be alone with my child. My husband supports my feelings. But we don't know how to tell her that her services are not needed or wanted without causing hurt feelings. -- SETTING LIMITS IN WISCONSIN

DEAR SETTING LIMITS: When she asks to baby-sit, tell her nicely that you already have made other arrangements. Ditto for extended vacations. Explain that she's welcome to visit when it's convenient for all of you. However, if she insists on knowing why she can't take the baby, repeat exactly what you have told me. Your child's safety is more important than your mother-in-law maintaining the fantasy that her children's upbringing was normal.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for three years. His 27-year-old daughter, "Jan," wants him to give her a wedding reception because at the time she was married, two years ago, they were not on speaking terms. (She was married by a justice of the peace with no family present.)

Jan now has two small children. I think at this late date, a wedding reception would not be appropriate. I have suggested we give her a generous cash gift as a belated wedding gift -- and she can do what she wants with the money, including throwing herself a party. My husband dreams of giving her the memories of a reception with her dad. What do you think? -- AGAINST IT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR AGAINST IT: Considering that Jan was not even speaking to her father at the time of her marriage, it's presumptuous of her to be hitting her father up for a reception now. A cash gift would be more generous; and a "wedding reception" under these circumstances would be a charade.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm the father of a 13-year-old daughter, "Shelby," who I'm unable to reach. When Shelby was very young, I noticed that she would be very disrespectful to her mother at times. Of course, I would explain that that kind of behavior was unacceptable, and generally it would stop. Other times, it caused an argument between my wife, "Fran," and me. Fran felt it was just a stage and required no punishment, whereas I thought it did.

Now that Shelby is older, her behavior has gotten much worse. She screams at Fran all the time, calls her names, throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, does poorly in school -- the list goes on and on. What's more, she's now starting to raise her voice at me when she doesn't get her way.

When I try to explain to Shelby that there are consequences for her actions -- such as grounding or taking away privileges -- she starts screaming and crying, which instantly draws the ire of her mother. Fran is always making excuses for why Shelby behaves the way that she does.

Basically, I cannot discipline my own child because every time I try, Fran and I argue until I get so weary I give in. I have tried explaining that Shelby's unhappiness is due to her not having any limits. I have told Fran I'm worried about the path our daughter is headed down. I have tried to make Fran understand that if Shelby can treat us this way, she'll treat anyone this way.

Can you recommend anything or anyone that can help? -- BEATEN-DOWN DAD IN N.C.

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: I sure can -- marriage counseling for you and your wife. Please don't put it off. If Fran won't go with you, go without her. The dynamics between the two of you are unhealthy, and your daughter's behavior is a reflection of it. Children DO need limits. However, until you and your wife are on the same page as far as raising your daughter, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently accepted to study abroad at one of England's most respected and academically challenging universities for my junior year of college. Of course, I shared the good news with family and friends, and all shared my excitement -- but a few actually pulled out calendars and started planning when it would fit into their schedules to visit me.

Abby, the academic and financial burdens of this challenge will be intense. I simply won't have time to play tour guide or host, yet I don't want to upset anyone. How can I fend off these overeager (and pushy) relatives without making them feel slighted? -- HESITANT IN HOUSTON

DEAR HESITANT: Neither encourage them nor discourage them. Tell them the truth -- that you'll be handling a heavy class load, and you aren't sure you'll be able to entertain them when they visit. However, assure them that once you're settled in, you'll inquire about reputable tour companies, and share information when they arrive so they can get the most out of their visit.

DEAR ABBY: When I go to lunch or dinner at a restaurant, I'm confused about where to place my purse or handbag during the meal. What's the correct thing to do? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: It depends upon the size of the purse and the size of the table. If you're carrying a small, dressy evening clutch bag, place it on the table. However, if you're carrying a large handbag, put it on the floor next to your chair or beneath the table so the server won't trip over it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)