DEAR ABBY: I'm the father of a 13-year-old daughter, "Shelby," who I'm unable to reach. When Shelby was very young, I noticed that she would be very disrespectful to her mother at times. Of course, I would explain that that kind of behavior was unacceptable, and generally it would stop. Other times, it caused an argument between my wife, "Fran," and me. Fran felt it was just a stage and required no punishment, whereas I thought it did.

Now that Shelby is older, her behavior has gotten much worse. She screams at Fran all the time, calls her names, throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way, does poorly in school -- the list goes on and on. What's more, she's now starting to raise her voice at me when she doesn't get her way.

When I try to explain to Shelby that there are consequences for her actions -- such as grounding or taking away privileges -- she starts screaming and crying, which instantly draws the ire of her mother. Fran is always making excuses for why Shelby behaves the way that she does.

Basically, I cannot discipline my own child because every time I try, Fran and I argue until I get so weary I give in. I have tried explaining that Shelby's unhappiness is due to her not having any limits. I have told Fran I'm worried about the path our daughter is headed down. I have tried to make Fran understand that if Shelby can treat us this way, she'll treat anyone this way.

Can you recommend anything or anyone that can help? -- BEATEN-DOWN DAD IN N.C.

DEAR BEATEN DOWN: I sure can -- marriage counseling for you and your wife. Please don't put it off. If Fran won't go with you, go without her. The dynamics between the two of you are unhealthy, and your daughter's behavior is a reflection of it. Children DO need limits. However, until you and your wife are on the same page as far as raising your daughter, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently accepted to study abroad at one of England's most respected and academically challenging universities for my junior year of college. Of course, I shared the good news with family and friends, and all shared my excitement -- but a few actually pulled out calendars and started planning when it would fit into their schedules to visit me.

Abby, the academic and financial burdens of this challenge will be intense. I simply won't have time to play tour guide or host, yet I don't want to upset anyone. How can I fend off these overeager (and pushy) relatives without making them feel slighted? -- HESITANT IN HOUSTON

DEAR HESITANT: Neither encourage them nor discourage them. Tell them the truth -- that you'll be handling a heavy class load, and you aren't sure you'll be able to entertain them when they visit. However, assure them that once you're settled in, you'll inquire about reputable tour companies, and share information when they arrive so they can get the most out of their visit.

DEAR ABBY: When I go to lunch or dinner at a restaurant, I'm confused about where to place my purse or handbag during the meal. What's the correct thing to do? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONFUSED: It depends upon the size of the purse and the size of the table. If you're carrying a small, dressy evening clutch bag, place it on the table. However, if you're carrying a large handbag, put it on the floor next to your chair or beneath the table so the server won't trip over it.

DEAR ABBY: I have a daughter, "Morgan," who is 4. I recently found out that Morgan's father wants to start having visitation with her again after being out of her life for more than two years. We've gone to court, and I have been ordered to let this happen even though Morgan doesn't remember him.

Morgan has a problem with people; she gets very scared and upset when anyone gets too close to her, and becomes hysterical when someone tries to take her from me. She hasn't started preschool yet because the teachers told me they couldn't deal with her because she would cry until she made herself sick or passed out!

Now Morgan will have to be around her "father," and the courts say that after a few months of supervised visits he will be allowed to take her for unsupervised visits. I know how extremely hard this is going to be for my daughter, and it tears me apart to see her cry.

My question is, how do I explain to Morgan who this person is (she has had a "daddy" -- my husband -- since she was 1), and that I have no control over the fact that she has to see him and spend time alone with him? Is there anything I can do to help her? -- HURTING IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR HURTING: Because your daughter's extreme separation anxiety has prevented her from entering preschool, my advice is to take her to a child psychologist for evaluation and therapy. You will be doing her an enormous favor.

Sometimes parents telegraph their fears to their children. Therefore, in order to manage your own anxiety about what's coming, some sessions with a therapist would be beneficial to you, too. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Paul," suffered a spinal cord injury three years ago. He has made a partial recovery and is able to walk using a walker.

We can't afford to go out often, so when we do it is a special treat. Several times when we have been asked where we prefer to be seated, we have replied, "Non-smoking," and were led past several empty tables in that section.

I know the hosts may want to fill certain tables first, but it's painful for Paul to walk, and he works as hard at walking 10 feet as you or I might at running 10 yards. By the time we reach the table, Paul is worn out, and I often must disturb other diners by asking them to move their chairs to accommodate his walker.

I'm disappointed that the wait staff in these supposedly "nice" restaurants aren't more courteous and conscious of Paul's disability. I suppose since he's not elderly and looks healthy, they may not notice that he's working so hard to walk.

Paul doesn't like to draw attention to himself or ask for special privileges. But isn't this a question of consideration for others? If you work in a restaurant, or know someone who does, please tell them to be observant and courteous to patrons using walkers or canes. -- LOVING WIFE IN MISSOURI

DEAR LOVING WIFE: Your husband's problem may have more to do with his reluctance to draw attention to himself and ask for what he needs than indifference on the part of the restaurant staff. Restaurants and other businesses in the hospitality industry are usually happy to accommodate customers with special needs -- but in order for them to do so, they must be notified in advance. In your case, that means telling the person taking reservations that it's difficult for your husband to navigate past other diners and to please reserve a table for him that's easier to reach.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I expect our first child in about a month. We know it will be a girl, and we are now in the process of selecting a name for her.

I love a certain unusual name, "Dallas," and my husband likes it, too. It also works well with our last name. The problem is, my husband's sister, "Rita," has apparently claimed the name and forbids us to use it. Rita was almost named Dallas herself because that's where she was conceived. In truth, my husband and I are considering the name because of the story about his sister.

Abby, Rita isn't pregnant, married, or actively trying to have a baby. For all we know, she may never have one, let alone a girl. My husband and I really want to name our little girl Dallas, but we're worried about hurting Rita. Is it wrong to "steal" the name, and is Rita justified in telling us not to use it? -- MOMMY-TO-BE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOMMY-TO-BE: I shouldn't have to tell you that stealing is wrong, and you already know it will create hard feelings. Unless you're prepared for the possible confusion of having two first cousins with the same name, I'd advise against giving your baby a name that has so much emotional significance to your husband's sister. How about naming her "Houston"?

DEAR ABBY: I haven't spoken to my middle sister, "Julia," since Christmas because we had a disagreement and she physically assaulted me. She tried to put my eye out with her fingers and push me down some stairs. She did it in front of my children as well as my niece. I know my sister needs help for her anger issues.

How can I make Julia recognize that at 42 years of age, physically assaulting those who do not agree with her is not an option?

My siblings and I have endured years of abuse because if someone doesn't agree with her, Julia feels she has the right to strike out. She's abusive to everyone. She has even had physical altercations with my parents.

My children are afraid of her because of what she did to me. How can I get her to realize she's in desperate need of counseling? In her book, she is never wrong and everyone is against her. -- BEWILDERED SIS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BEWILDERED: Your sister appears to have serious mental problems that have gone untreated because your family has tolerated her bizarre behavior. When Julia began assaulting family members, the police should have been called and charges pressed. Stop covering for her. The next time it happens -- and it will -- press charges. A judge can order a mental evaluation if she is a danger to others -- and that's what she appears to be.

DEAR ABBY: Should a mother write thank-you notes on behalf of a child, and if so, for how long? My daughter has her first birthday coming up, and I'm curious about proper etiquette in this situation. -- NEW MOM IN KANSAS

DEAR NEW MOM: Because your child is too young to write, you should write a thank-you note on her behalf. However, when she is old enough to have learned to print and spell, she should begin writing them herself. They don't have to be fancy, but "Thank you for ..." and her signature would be appreciated, I'm sure.

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