DEAR ABBY: My husband and I expect our first child in about a month. We know it will be a girl, and we are now in the process of selecting a name for her.

I love a certain unusual name, "Dallas," and my husband likes it, too. It also works well with our last name. The problem is, my husband's sister, "Rita," has apparently claimed the name and forbids us to use it. Rita was almost named Dallas herself because that's where she was conceived. In truth, my husband and I are considering the name because of the story about his sister.

Abby, Rita isn't pregnant, married, or actively trying to have a baby. For all we know, she may never have one, let alone a girl. My husband and I really want to name our little girl Dallas, but we're worried about hurting Rita. Is it wrong to "steal" the name, and is Rita justified in telling us not to use it? -- MOMMY-TO-BE IN MARYLAND

DEAR MOMMY-TO-BE: I shouldn't have to tell you that stealing is wrong, and you already know it will create hard feelings. Unless you're prepared for the possible confusion of having two first cousins with the same name, I'd advise against giving your baby a name that has so much emotional significance to your husband's sister. How about naming her "Houston"?

DEAR ABBY: I haven't spoken to my middle sister, "Julia," since Christmas because we had a disagreement and she physically assaulted me. She tried to put my eye out with her fingers and push me down some stairs. She did it in front of my children as well as my niece. I know my sister needs help for her anger issues.

How can I make Julia recognize that at 42 years of age, physically assaulting those who do not agree with her is not an option?

My siblings and I have endured years of abuse because if someone doesn't agree with her, Julia feels she has the right to strike out. She's abusive to everyone. She has even had physical altercations with my parents.

My children are afraid of her because of what she did to me. How can I get her to realize she's in desperate need of counseling? In her book, she is never wrong and everyone is against her. -- BEWILDERED SIS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BEWILDERED: Your sister appears to have serious mental problems that have gone untreated because your family has tolerated her bizarre behavior. When Julia began assaulting family members, the police should have been called and charges pressed. Stop covering for her. The next time it happens -- and it will -- press charges. A judge can order a mental evaluation if she is a danger to others -- and that's what she appears to be.

DEAR ABBY: Should a mother write thank-you notes on behalf of a child, and if so, for how long? My daughter has her first birthday coming up, and I'm curious about proper etiquette in this situation. -- NEW MOM IN KANSAS

DEAR NEW MOM: Because your child is too young to write, you should write a thank-you note on her behalf. However, when she is old enough to have learned to print and spell, she should begin writing them herself. They don't have to be fancy, but "Thank you for ..." and her signature would be appreciated, I'm sure.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Lost Teen in L.A." asked whether to tell the family about being sexually abused at 7 by a close relative. She is afraid of the repercussions the perpetrator will suffer if the secret is revealed. (You advised her to do so.)

Unfortunately, that isn't all she needs to be afraid of. I was molested by my father at age 7, and again by my brother at 14. Unfortunately, revealing what happened put me in the position of being perceived as "the accuser," while these two family members are regarded as "innocents."

I'm the one who is "forgotten" at family reunions. I am the one not invited for Sunday dinners. Why? The answer I was given by my own mother was: "He's now so old and fragile, he doesn't remember. His time on Earth is limited, so why bring up horrible things that can only cloud what days he has left?" He wasn't old and frail when he molested a 7-year-old.

I didn't bring out these allegations on my own. I was in therapy, and just coming to the realization that "something awful might have happened," when I got a phone call asking me straight out if I recalled any kind of abuse by my father. Dad had admitted it while in psychiatric care before he was placed in a nursing home. My world crumbled in seconds.

As for my brother, no one has heard from him in three years. I'm not sure he even knows that what he did to me is now out in the open. But I listen to my mother cry for a lost son and the grandchildren she will never see again. I also listen to other relatives -- who also know what happened -- comment that "maybe one day he'll just show up," and "wouldn't that be great?"

Please warn "Lost Teen" that while she may fear what happens to her molester, there's always the flip side of that coin. The first thing counselors tell us is it wasn't our fault. But sometimes our families treat us like it is. -- LOST IN THE LAND OF THE FREE

DEAR LOST: If my mail is any indication, molestation and incest happen more often than most people -- including me -- would like to think. Every time the subject appears in my column, I receive a flurry of letters from readers describing having been molested, too. The majority of them advise victims to speak up and start healing. Read on:

FROM DELAWARE, OHIO: I, too, would like to urge "Lost Teen" to tell someone. By keeping the secret, she's only protecting her abuser. When I was 10, I was repeatedly molested by a neighbor who had two children of his own. We took him to court. During the trial it was revealed he had previously molested another neighbor girl, who never told. If she had, it could have saved me and other children he might have abused.

FROM DELTONA, FLA.: I, too, was molested as a child. The two boys who did it were our next-door neighbors, who had been trusted to baby-sit us. The girl who wrote you should tell her parents. People who abuse children are sick; they need help. The next child who is molested by that relative may not be unscathed or even able to walk away at all.

FROM SALEM, VA.: I was also molested at age 7 by a female relative. She died a year ago, and I'm still bitter toward her. I am in therapy and coming to terms with what happened. I should never have kept silent as long as I did. It has taken a while, but my burden is finally becoming lighter. If "Lost Teen" speaks out and gets help, it will help her move forward.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend cheated on me -- and I'm only 12! We were going out for nine months, and one day after school, I saw him kissing a girl in back of the school building. He's 14, and she is older than him.

Am I too young to be dealing with this kind of problem? Heck, am I too young to have a boyfriend at all? Please answer this, Abby. I need advice. -- "KITTY" IN ARIZONA

DEAR KITTY: I'm sure it was a blow seeing someone you thought you had an exclusive relationship with kissing someone else. The years between 10 and 13 can be a particularly difficult time for girls. You are no longer a little girl, and you are not yet a teenager. (There used to be a saying, "Too old for toys and too young for boys," that describes the situation.)

At your age, if you are "going out" at all, it should be in groups. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be interested in boys -- this won't be the last one you have romantic feelings for -- but for now, a 14-year-old boy is too advanced for you, and you should slow down

DEAR ABBY: I have an elderly neighbor whose wife passed away four months ago. He has told me he's lonely, so I try to visit him once a month (sometimes bringing food), and chat with him when we see each other outside.

My husband and I have invited him to dinner twice, and both times he has made an excuse not to come ("bad weather," "not feeling well"). However, I'm getting the feeling the real reason may be he doesn't want to come to dinner with two very active -- although not undisciplined -- preschool children. I'm not offended by this; I'm just wondering if I should continue inviting him. -- TRYING TO BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR IN MICHIGAN

DEAR TRYING: Your neighbor could have any number of reasons why he doesn't accept your invitation, including liking the relationship the way it is or being unable to reciprocate your hospitality. Three times is the charm. Ask him once more, and if he refuses your invitation, do not pressure him further about coming over.

DEAR ABBY: I am grown, married and have two adult brothers -- one married, one single. My husband and I have been house-hunting in the same town where my mother and brothers live. (They all live separately.)

My problem is, when we were looking at houses, my mom kept mentioning building a mother-in-law unit in back or getting a house big enough for the three of us. She said it jokingly, but it made me uncomfortable. My husband had made it clear that Mom is NOT moving in. She is not old and she still works, but has a job that doesn't pay particularly well.

What should I say when she jokes about living with us? I spoke to my brothers about it, and she never says anything like this to them. -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: There are three ways to deal with it. When she "jokingly" suggests moving in with you, you can laugh and say, "Oh, Mom, you're such a joker!" In a more serious vein, you can tell her that it just won't be possible and ask her to please stop bringing the subject up because it makes you uncomfortable. Or simply let the comment drop with no response at all.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)