DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but after reading the letter from the woman who said her 11-year-old daughter "sometimes gets scared at night and thinks she hears voices and someone walking near her room," I had to write. When my younger sister was her age, she, too, would get scared at night and hear people walking/talking outside her room when there weren't. It became so bad she could hardly get to sleep at night.

Our mother took her to the doctor to be examined, and he discovered that her thyroid gland was severely overactive. Once her thyroid hormone was returned to normal levels (not a quick or easy process), her hallucinations stopped and have not returned. We were lucky she was diagnosed before she suffered any long-term effects. Please urge that mother to have her daughter evaluated by a medical professional ASAP to rule out any physical or psychological causes. -- R.N. IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR R.N.: I agree that if the girl's symptoms persist she should be evaluated by a doctor, but not necessarily for the reason you stated. Several readers wrote to point out that the girl, whose father was fanning her fears, may be being molested by him. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: For three years straight, the "technique" described by the mother of that young girl was identical to the concealment of incest perpetrated by my former husband.

Such behavior is the last thing a wife or mother ever suspects, even when she should. I was lucky; I walked in on it. I agree that the writer's husband is playing a mind game with his wife and daughter.

I noticed my former husband's absence from our bed and failure to return, and one night I went looking for him. I found him lifting our 12-year-old from her bed while touching her inappropriately. My daughter was whimpering, not fully conscious, and he was apparently talking to himself.

I wordlessly lifted her from his arms, placed her back in bed and remained with her for the rest of the night -- while checking on the other girls and my husband's whereabouts.

There may, indeed, BE a nighttime intruder, Abby -- the husband. Such men, if the child is awake enough, will not hesitate to threaten to kill the mother if the child "tells." Same old script, not much variation. -- WISER NOW IN HAWAII

DEAR WISER NOW: Your letter is chilling. Thank you for sharing your experience.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell that woman if her husband insists on scaring her by implying there might be an intruder in the house, to ask him ONCE to do a walk-through to see if the house is secure. If he refuses and says he's going to sleep, tell him OK -- that you'll just call the police and tell them your husband said there might be an intruder on the premises and ask THEM to go through the house.

I guarantee the first time she has to do it, it will be the last time he pulls that stunt. What he's doing is a power play. He's trying to control them. But if she takes the ball out of his court, then he won't be able to play! -- A COP'S SISTER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago I had a years-long affair with a woman 23 years my junior. "Alex" was 17 when we first had sex. I never led her on. I told her on many occasions that I would not leave my wife and family for another woman -- even her. I told her I'd meet her secretly for as long as she wanted, but I would commit to nothing more. Alex accepted this state of affairs for several years, and we had what I considered to be the perfect affair. I loved the passionate, uninhibited sex.

Because I could offer no more than the status quo, I wasn't surprised when one night, after a particularly exhausting love-making session, Alex announced she was ending our affair and moving to Los Angeles to be closer to friends. I begged her to reconsider, promised to spend more time with her, and insisted that I loved her. She went anyway. We had no contact other than Christmas and birthday cards.

My kids are now grown and gone. On a recent business trip to LA, I decided to give Alex a call for old times' sake. She was delighted to hear from me and invited me over for a drink. It was just like old times. I wasn't there five minutes when she literally tore my clothes off.

So what's my problem? Alex just told me she might move back here and take up where we left off. Abby, an affair like ours was fine 15 years ago, but I'm no longer comfortable sneaking around. My wife and I have been married 30 years and I don't want to hurt her or give her up. I'm afraid if Alex moves back, we'll get caught. I still love her, and I certainly enjoy making love to her -- but how do I tell her that it's fine for us to sleep together in LA where she lives, but not here in my hometown? -- IN A QUANDARY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: You are not "in a quandary"; you are in a mess of your own making that could spell the end of your marriage and your reputation. Tell Alex in plain English exactly what you have told me. If that doesn't sober her up and cool her ardor, nothing will. Under no circumstances must you rekindle this affair. Boys who play with matches usually get burned, and I do mean you. So grow up. Your wife deserves better.

DEAR ABBY: Forty-five years ago, my sister adopted a lovely 3-week-old baby girl, "Rita." The adoption went smoothly and all is well. Rita now has a daughter of her own who is in her 20s.

At the time Rita was given to my sister, she wore a beautiful gold cross that had been placed around her neck by her birth mother. My sister didn't know what to do with it, so she gave it to me and asked me to take it to a church and leave it in a pew. My conscience wouldn't let me carry out her instructions, and I still have the cross.

What do you suggest I do with it? Should I do as my sister asked? Should I give the cross anonymously to Rita? Or should I give Rita the cross and tell her where it came from?

Please resolve this for me. It has been bothering me far too long. -- CARING AUNT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CARING AUNT: I'm sure your niece would be deeply moved to know that when she was placed in your sister's arms, it was done with prayer for her happiness and well-being. Give her the cross and tell her where it came from. I'm sure the keepsake will be precious to her.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Grieving in Richmond, Va." asked how she should respond to people who ask how many children she and her husband have. She had recently lost a 24-year-old son in a car accident.

I lost my 22-year-old son, Nathan, five years ago and am frequently asked that question. He was our only child at the time. Three years ago, my husband and I adopted our daughter from China. When asked how many children I have, or if I have children other than my daughter, I usually respond by saying, "I have two, my daughter and a deceased son."

I understand that it can be awkward when asked this question, especially so soon after such a tragic loss. However, if the questioner has any compassion at all, he or she won't ask further questions unless the mother initiates it. It personally makes me feel good to acknowledge that I have one child here and one in heaven. -- SEASONED GRIEVING MOTHER, ZANESVILLE, OHIO

DEAR MOTHER: Thank you for letting me and my readers know how you handle this touchy situation. I advised "Grieving" to reply that she had three children -- one recently deceased -- and then to change the subject. However, not all of the people I heard from agreed with my advice -- or yours. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We lost our first child in infancy and had to deal with the same situation. We always said, "We have three children" and never mentioned our loss, as it always made everyone uncomfortable and seemed like a bid for sympathy.

Close friends and family know about our tragedy, but our casual friends may never know. Some people we have since become close with know about our loss. We revealed it when the situation presented itself. It still hurts after all these years, and that's why we keep it personal except with people who know and understand us, and those we trust. -- STILL GRIEVING DOWN SOUTH

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. If there's anything I have learned from the mail I have received, it's that there's no single answer to the question I was asked.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was sensitive, but a better answer might be to simply respond by giving the number of children to whom she gave birth. The questioner may simply be attempting to make polite conversation or trying to find common ground with an opening gambit.

If the mother chooses to talk about it, she should say, "Susie is in Baltimore, Jack is in college and Bob recently died in a car accident. So ... where do you work?" This is brief and honest. The sensitive questioner would respond, "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm an engineer at ABC company."

Incidentally, two questions I have learned never to ask are, "Is this your father, mother, niece or daughter?" The much-older husband and the much-younger wife tend to be offended by it. Also, never ask, "When is your baby due?" or "Are you expecting?" unless the baby is emerging at that exact moment. -- JAN IN VALDOSTA, GA.

DEAR JAN: Boy, do I ever agree on that last one because I learned the hard way. Years ago, I was at a party and was told that another guest was expecting twins in four months. She looked lovely, and fairly slender in her heavy, white silk cocktail tent dress -- so I made a point of mentioning to her that I'd heard the good news and how wonderful she looked. I'll never forget her reply: "Thank you. We have a surrogate."

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