DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago I had a years-long affair with a woman 23 years my junior. "Alex" was 17 when we first had sex. I never led her on. I told her on many occasions that I would not leave my wife and family for another woman -- even her. I told her I'd meet her secretly for as long as she wanted, but I would commit to nothing more. Alex accepted this state of affairs for several years, and we had what I considered to be the perfect affair. I loved the passionate, uninhibited sex.

Because I could offer no more than the status quo, I wasn't surprised when one night, after a particularly exhausting love-making session, Alex announced she was ending our affair and moving to Los Angeles to be closer to friends. I begged her to reconsider, promised to spend more time with her, and insisted that I loved her. She went anyway. We had no contact other than Christmas and birthday cards.

My kids are now grown and gone. On a recent business trip to LA, I decided to give Alex a call for old times' sake. She was delighted to hear from me and invited me over for a drink. It was just like old times. I wasn't there five minutes when she literally tore my clothes off.

So what's my problem? Alex just told me she might move back here and take up where we left off. Abby, an affair like ours was fine 15 years ago, but I'm no longer comfortable sneaking around. My wife and I have been married 30 years and I don't want to hurt her or give her up. I'm afraid if Alex moves back, we'll get caught. I still love her, and I certainly enjoy making love to her -- but how do I tell her that it's fine for us to sleep together in LA where she lives, but not here in my hometown? -- IN A QUANDARY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: You are not "in a quandary"; you are in a mess of your own making that could spell the end of your marriage and your reputation. Tell Alex in plain English exactly what you have told me. If that doesn't sober her up and cool her ardor, nothing will. Under no circumstances must you rekindle this affair. Boys who play with matches usually get burned, and I do mean you. So grow up. Your wife deserves better.

DEAR ABBY: Forty-five years ago, my sister adopted a lovely 3-week-old baby girl, "Rita." The adoption went smoothly and all is well. Rita now has a daughter of her own who is in her 20s.

At the time Rita was given to my sister, she wore a beautiful gold cross that had been placed around her neck by her birth mother. My sister didn't know what to do with it, so she gave it to me and asked me to take it to a church and leave it in a pew. My conscience wouldn't let me carry out her instructions, and I still have the cross.

What do you suggest I do with it? Should I do as my sister asked? Should I give the cross anonymously to Rita? Or should I give Rita the cross and tell her where it came from?

Please resolve this for me. It has been bothering me far too long. -- CARING AUNT IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CARING AUNT: I'm sure your niece would be deeply moved to know that when she was placed in your sister's arms, it was done with prayer for her happiness and well-being. Give her the cross and tell her where it came from. I'm sure the keepsake will be precious to her.

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DEAR ABBY: "Grieving in Richmond, Va." asked how she should respond to people who ask how many children she and her husband have. She had recently lost a 24-year-old son in a car accident.

I lost my 22-year-old son, Nathan, five years ago and am frequently asked that question. He was our only child at the time. Three years ago, my husband and I adopted our daughter from China. When asked how many children I have, or if I have children other than my daughter, I usually respond by saying, "I have two, my daughter and a deceased son."

I understand that it can be awkward when asked this question, especially so soon after such a tragic loss. However, if the questioner has any compassion at all, he or she won't ask further questions unless the mother initiates it. It personally makes me feel good to acknowledge that I have one child here and one in heaven. -- SEASONED GRIEVING MOTHER, ZANESVILLE, OHIO

DEAR MOTHER: Thank you for letting me and my readers know how you handle this touchy situation. I advised "Grieving" to reply that she had three children -- one recently deceased -- and then to change the subject. However, not all of the people I heard from agreed with my advice -- or yours. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We lost our first child in infancy and had to deal with the same situation. We always said, "We have three children" and never mentioned our loss, as it always made everyone uncomfortable and seemed like a bid for sympathy.

Close friends and family know about our tragedy, but our casual friends may never know. Some people we have since become close with know about our loss. We revealed it when the situation presented itself. It still hurts after all these years, and that's why we keep it personal except with people who know and understand us, and those we trust. -- STILL GRIEVING DOWN SOUTH

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. If there's anything I have learned from the mail I have received, it's that there's no single answer to the question I was asked.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was sensitive, but a better answer might be to simply respond by giving the number of children to whom she gave birth. The questioner may simply be attempting to make polite conversation or trying to find common ground with an opening gambit.

If the mother chooses to talk about it, she should say, "Susie is in Baltimore, Jack is in college and Bob recently died in a car accident. So ... where do you work?" This is brief and honest. The sensitive questioner would respond, "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm an engineer at ABC company."

Incidentally, two questions I have learned never to ask are, "Is this your father, mother, niece or daughter?" The much-older husband and the much-younger wife tend to be offended by it. Also, never ask, "When is your baby due?" or "Are you expecting?" unless the baby is emerging at that exact moment. -- JAN IN VALDOSTA, GA.

DEAR JAN: Boy, do I ever agree on that last one because I learned the hard way. Years ago, I was at a party and was told that another guest was expecting twins in four months. She looked lovely, and fairly slender in her heavy, white silk cocktail tent dress -- so I made a point of mentioning to her that I'd heard the good news and how wonderful she looked. I'll never forget her reply: "Thank you. We have a surrogate."

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman in my 20s who works hard and has friends I like and respect. One of them, however, "Ava," is making it hard for me to be around her. Ava is 38, never married, has had only one boyfriend in her life, and is very lonely. As a single person, I understand how that can feel.

It has become a daily ritual for her to come over to my desk for one of the following three reasons: (1) to talk about her loneliness and having nothing in her life to look forward to; (2) to borrow change because she has no money for doughnuts, a soda, etc; (3) to rub my back so I'll feel obligated to rub her shoulders that day. (I don't ask for the back rub, but I did once -- two years ago -- and now she thinks we have an unspoken agreement.)

When I offer advice on overcoming her loneliness, Ava ignores it. The money issue is also upsetting because she earns more than I do and is in terrible debt. I tell Ava repeatedly she needs counseling for her money problems and loneliness, but she refuses because she "doesn't need to see anyone." Also, the back-rubbing has gotten old. I'm not her personal masseuse.

How can I refuse without sending her into a deeper depression? I'm becoming mentally exhausted. She's a bottomless pit. I don't have any more answers; I've given all the answers I can give. -- EXHAUSTED IN MISSOURI

DEAR EXHAUSTED: This woman is not looking for answers from you -- she's using you to vent. The next time it happens, carefully observe her demeanor and your reaction to her unloading. The more tired you become, does she become more energized? If the answer is yes, then recognize that Ava is a "sapper" who draws her energy by depleting yours.

My advice is to withdraw slowly. When she asks for change, tell her you don't have any to spare. When the back rub starts, tell her nicely that you don't have time for it right then. Ditto when she begins dumping on you. You'll be doing the woman a favor, because as long as she has you to listen, she will never look for the help she needs.

DEAR ABBY: I have three sons; the oldest is 7. I caught him messing with his 2-year-old half-brother in a sexual way, and I asked him where he got the idea. He told me that my niece, "Tiffany," has been doing things to him. My mom is raising her because her parents died three years ago in a car accident.

I confronted Tiffany and she denied it. I believe my son because she was discovered being molested by my 14-year-old cousin a couple of years back.

My husband was very upset about this and decided to call the child protective services on my mom. When they came out, my mother called me and read me the riot act. Why did she get mad at me when Tiffany needs help? Do you think we did the right thing? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Your mother may have been angry because she hadn't been informed and was unaware that Tiffany had become a molester. She may have dumped on you because she couldn't dump on the person she was really angry at -- your husband. I hope your niece receives the counseling she needs so she won't continue to act out. Your 7-year-old should also receive some counseling about boundaries, and to heal the effects of his own molestation.

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