DEAR ABBY: "Grieving in Richmond, Va." asked how she should respond to people who ask how many children she and her husband have. She had recently lost a 24-year-old son in a car accident.

I lost my 22-year-old son, Nathan, five years ago and am frequently asked that question. He was our only child at the time. Three years ago, my husband and I adopted our daughter from China. When asked how many children I have, or if I have children other than my daughter, I usually respond by saying, "I have two, my daughter and a deceased son."

I understand that it can be awkward when asked this question, especially so soon after such a tragic loss. However, if the questioner has any compassion at all, he or she won't ask further questions unless the mother initiates it. It personally makes me feel good to acknowledge that I have one child here and one in heaven. -- SEASONED GRIEVING MOTHER, ZANESVILLE, OHIO

DEAR MOTHER: Thank you for letting me and my readers know how you handle this touchy situation. I advised "Grieving" to reply that she had three children -- one recently deceased -- and then to change the subject. However, not all of the people I heard from agreed with my advice -- or yours. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We lost our first child in infancy and had to deal with the same situation. We always said, "We have three children" and never mentioned our loss, as it always made everyone uncomfortable and seemed like a bid for sympathy.

Close friends and family know about our tragedy, but our casual friends may never know. Some people we have since become close with know about our loss. We revealed it when the situation presented itself. It still hurts after all these years, and that's why we keep it personal except with people who know and understand us, and those we trust. -- STILL GRIEVING DOWN SOUTH

DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. If there's anything I have learned from the mail I have received, it's that there's no single answer to the question I was asked.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was sensitive, but a better answer might be to simply respond by giving the number of children to whom she gave birth. The questioner may simply be attempting to make polite conversation or trying to find common ground with an opening gambit.

If the mother chooses to talk about it, she should say, "Susie is in Baltimore, Jack is in college and Bob recently died in a car accident. So ... where do you work?" This is brief and honest. The sensitive questioner would respond, "I'm sorry for your loss. I'm an engineer at ABC company."

Incidentally, two questions I have learned never to ask are, "Is this your father, mother, niece or daughter?" The much-older husband and the much-younger wife tend to be offended by it. Also, never ask, "When is your baby due?" or "Are you expecting?" unless the baby is emerging at that exact moment. -- JAN IN VALDOSTA, GA.

DEAR JAN: Boy, do I ever agree on that last one because I learned the hard way. Years ago, I was at a party and was told that another guest was expecting twins in four months. She looked lovely, and fairly slender in her heavy, white silk cocktail tent dress -- so I made a point of mentioning to her that I'd heard the good news and how wonderful she looked. I'll never forget her reply: "Thank you. We have a surrogate."

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman in my 20s who works hard and has friends I like and respect. One of them, however, "Ava," is making it hard for me to be around her. Ava is 38, never married, has had only one boyfriend in her life, and is very lonely. As a single person, I understand how that can feel.

It has become a daily ritual for her to come over to my desk for one of the following three reasons: (1) to talk about her loneliness and having nothing in her life to look forward to; (2) to borrow change because she has no money for doughnuts, a soda, etc; (3) to rub my back so I'll feel obligated to rub her shoulders that day. (I don't ask for the back rub, but I did once -- two years ago -- and now she thinks we have an unspoken agreement.)

When I offer advice on overcoming her loneliness, Ava ignores it. The money issue is also upsetting because she earns more than I do and is in terrible debt. I tell Ava repeatedly she needs counseling for her money problems and loneliness, but she refuses because she "doesn't need to see anyone." Also, the back-rubbing has gotten old. I'm not her personal masseuse.

How can I refuse without sending her into a deeper depression? I'm becoming mentally exhausted. She's a bottomless pit. I don't have any more answers; I've given all the answers I can give. -- EXHAUSTED IN MISSOURI

DEAR EXHAUSTED: This woman is not looking for answers from you -- she's using you to vent. The next time it happens, carefully observe her demeanor and your reaction to her unloading. The more tired you become, does she become more energized? If the answer is yes, then recognize that Ava is a "sapper" who draws her energy by depleting yours.

My advice is to withdraw slowly. When she asks for change, tell her you don't have any to spare. When the back rub starts, tell her nicely that you don't have time for it right then. Ditto when she begins dumping on you. You'll be doing the woman a favor, because as long as she has you to listen, she will never look for the help she needs.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today is Father's Day, so why don't we try to do more for dear old Dad than give him the usual greeting card that promotes the idea that all dads are imbeciles, followed by a collect call to see what he thought of the card. (Father's Day is the day when the most collect calls are made.)

We should treat our fathers the way we treat our mothers on Mother's Day and show them we appreciate them for being there. Yes, you probably tell your father all the time that you love him, but the minds of men work differently. Anyone can say "I love you," but as men, knowing that we are appreciated for a job well done is what really gets us teary-eyed.

Something else you can do -- especially you sons out there (but daughters can do it, too) -- is to make sure Dad has been to the doctor for a checkup, including depression screening. This can go a long way toward making sure he's here on Father's Day next year.

I wasn't raised by my father, but by a stepfather. Although we did not see eye-to-eye on many things, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for him. This man, who spent years climbing on top of heavy construction equipment to prepare the ground for many of the homes, businesses, roads and highways of Southern California, now finds it difficult to get into a car. Although none of the houses or roads have his name on them, they are all testaments to his life and the lives of men like him.

So today, let's do something extra for Dad, without him pulling out his wallet to pay for it. -- GEORGE M., OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

DEAR GEORGE: Your fact about Father's Day being the day when the most collect calls are made was an eye-opener. Your stepfather is a lucky man to have a son who is so concerned with, and involved in, his well-being.

I'd like to wish a happy Father's Day to all of the loving, caring, hard-working fathers, stepfathers and surrogate fathers out there who contribute daily to the lives of those who depend upon them.

And now, a "different" kind of thank-you for Father's Day:

DEAR ABBY: It's time to thank the men who donate their sperm for artificial insemination.

Because of you, I have been able to experience the never-ending joys of motherhood. I count my blessings every time I hug and hold my children, hear their voices, see them smile. Each year, as I celebrate their birthdays, I know that you were the one who made it possible. Thank you for making my life complete.

Even though you remain a nameless and faceless biological father, I want you to know that you helped to create two beautiful children who today are caring and loving adults. You should be proud of them. And I think it is important for you to know that they are very proud to be a part of you.

Happy Father's Day from them, and from me. -- THANKFUL MOM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR THANKFUL: I'm sure your letter will be appreciated not only by the donor who shared his own genetic material to help you become a mother, but by many others as well. It proves the truth of the saying, "The most meaningful gift is the gift of self."

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON B. PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Father's Day, Pop!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)