DEAR ABBY: I'm a single woman in my 20s who works hard and has friends I like and respect. One of them, however, "Ava," is making it hard for me to be around her. Ava is 38, never married, has had only one boyfriend in her life, and is very lonely. As a single person, I understand how that can feel.

It has become a daily ritual for her to come over to my desk for one of the following three reasons: (1) to talk about her loneliness and having nothing in her life to look forward to; (2) to borrow change because she has no money for doughnuts, a soda, etc; (3) to rub my back so I'll feel obligated to rub her shoulders that day. (I don't ask for the back rub, but I did once -- two years ago -- and now she thinks we have an unspoken agreement.)

When I offer advice on overcoming her loneliness, Ava ignores it. The money issue is also upsetting because she earns more than I do and is in terrible debt. I tell Ava repeatedly she needs counseling for her money problems and loneliness, but she refuses because she "doesn't need to see anyone." Also, the back-rubbing has gotten old. I'm not her personal masseuse.

How can I refuse without sending her into a deeper depression? I'm becoming mentally exhausted. She's a bottomless pit. I don't have any more answers; I've given all the answers I can give. -- EXHAUSTED IN MISSOURI

DEAR EXHAUSTED: This woman is not looking for answers from you -- she's using you to vent. The next time it happens, carefully observe her demeanor and your reaction to her unloading. The more tired you become, does she become more energized? If the answer is yes, then recognize that Ava is a "sapper" who draws her energy by depleting yours.

My advice is to withdraw slowly. When she asks for change, tell her you don't have any to spare. When the back rub starts, tell her nicely that you don't have time for it right then. Ditto when she begins dumping on you. You'll be doing the woman a favor, because as long as she has you to listen, she will never look for the help she needs.

DEAR ABBY: I have three sons; the oldest is 7. I caught him messing with his 2-year-old half-brother in a sexual way, and I asked him where he got the idea. He told me that my niece, "Tiffany," has been doing things to him. My mom is raising her because her parents died three years ago in a car accident.

I confronted Tiffany and she denied it. I believe my son because she was discovered being molested by my 14-year-old cousin a couple of years back.

My husband was very upset about this and decided to call the child protective services on my mom. When they came out, my mother called me and read me the riot act. Why did she get mad at me when Tiffany needs help? Do you think we did the right thing? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Your mother may have been angry because she hadn't been informed and was unaware that Tiffany had become a molester. She may have dumped on you because she couldn't dump on the person she was really angry at -- your husband. I hope your niece receives the counseling she needs so she won't continue to act out. Your 7-year-old should also receive some counseling about boundaries, and to heal the effects of his own molestation.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Today is Father's Day, so why don't we try to do more for dear old Dad than give him the usual greeting card that promotes the idea that all dads are imbeciles, followed by a collect call to see what he thought of the card. (Father's Day is the day when the most collect calls are made.)

We should treat our fathers the way we treat our mothers on Mother's Day and show them we appreciate them for being there. Yes, you probably tell your father all the time that you love him, but the minds of men work differently. Anyone can say "I love you," but as men, knowing that we are appreciated for a job well done is what really gets us teary-eyed.

Something else you can do -- especially you sons out there (but daughters can do it, too) -- is to make sure Dad has been to the doctor for a checkup, including depression screening. This can go a long way toward making sure he's here on Father's Day next year.

I wasn't raised by my father, but by a stepfather. Although we did not see eye-to-eye on many things, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for him. This man, who spent years climbing on top of heavy construction equipment to prepare the ground for many of the homes, businesses, roads and highways of Southern California, now finds it difficult to get into a car. Although none of the houses or roads have his name on them, they are all testaments to his life and the lives of men like him.

So today, let's do something extra for Dad, without him pulling out his wallet to pay for it. -- GEORGE M., OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

DEAR GEORGE: Your fact about Father's Day being the day when the most collect calls are made was an eye-opener. Your stepfather is a lucky man to have a son who is so concerned with, and involved in, his well-being.

I'd like to wish a happy Father's Day to all of the loving, caring, hard-working fathers, stepfathers and surrogate fathers out there who contribute daily to the lives of those who depend upon them.

And now, a "different" kind of thank-you for Father's Day:

DEAR ABBY: It's time to thank the men who donate their sperm for artificial insemination.

Because of you, I have been able to experience the never-ending joys of motherhood. I count my blessings every time I hug and hold my children, hear their voices, see them smile. Each year, as I celebrate their birthdays, I know that you were the one who made it possible. Thank you for making my life complete.

Even though you remain a nameless and faceless biological father, I want you to know that you helped to create two beautiful children who today are caring and loving adults. You should be proud of them. And I think it is important for you to know that they are very proud to be a part of you.

Happy Father's Day from them, and from me. -- THANKFUL MOM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR THANKFUL: I'm sure your letter will be appreciated not only by the donor who shared his own genetic material to help you become a mother, but by many others as well. It proves the truth of the saying, "The most meaningful gift is the gift of self."

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON B. PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Father's Day, Pop!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had cause recently to see a psychiatrist. When he took my history, I revealed that at age 12, I was raped five times by an older brother.

The psychiatrist objected to my using the word "rape," and told me the correct terminology was "molested." To me, being molested is far less severe an intrusion than being forced to submit to intercourse.

Could it be denial on the psychiatrist's part? Don't people get sent to prison for raping women -- not "molesting" them? Is this kind of thing widespread among psychiatrists? -- OFFENDED IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR OFFENDED: I hope not, because instead of acknowledging what was rightfully a very traumatic event in your life, that doctor chose to argue semantics. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (Tenth Edition) defines "molest" as "1: to annoy, disturb or persecute esp. with hostile intent or injurious effect; 2: to make annoying sexual advances to; esp: to force physical and usu. sexual contact on."

While the doctor was technically correct, it was more important for you to feel comfortable than for him to "one up" you. If I were you, I'd continue interviewing psychiatrists because this one appears to lack empathy.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter was asked to be the flower girl in the wedding of a friend. We were delighted for her to be a part of the wedding -- that's not the problem.

We attended the bridal shower last week, and I lent a helping hand with some of the duties. When the shower was winding down, the maid of honor approached me and asked me to "settle up" for the party. She announced that my part of the shower was in excess of $100. I was stunned. I have never heard of the flower girl being financially responsible for a bridal shower at the ripe old age of 5.

Because I had no way of paying, I told her I'd try and send something soon. I wasn't planning on this added expense and was not warned that I'd be asked to pay for a fifth of the shower. What should I do? -- NOT A BRIDESMAID

DEAR NOT: As I see it, you have a choice. You can ignore the request, or smash your little girl's piggy bank and send the maid of honor the contents. I recommend the former.

DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. Condolences were offered in the form of flowers the day before the obituary was published requesting donations be made instead to the American Cancer Society.

The response to my offer when I inquired about the delivery address was: "The son is hosting a dinner Thursday night. Instead of flowers, why don't you just send over dessert?" I did as requested, but was somewhat perplexed.

I felt I did not appropriately honor his mother. Are condolences, such as flowers, strictly for the bereaved -- meaning what they want is what they get? Or are they more about tributes and messages of respect about the departed? -- CONFUSED IN BELLAIRE, TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: The time to show respect for the departed is while they are still with us. Funerals and the rituals that accompany them are to comfort the living.

DEAR ABBY: My grandchildren, ages 2 and 4, sleep in their mother's bed at night. (They do have rooms of their own.)

When my son and daughter-in-law go on vacation this summer and I baby-sit, do I have the right to try to get them to sleep in their own rooms? -- SOLO SLEEPER IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR SOLO SLEEPER: Absolutely. I wish you luck!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)