DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Tim," and I were having dinner at a bar and grill one night last week when some of my male co-workers walked in. We exchanged greetings and I introduced them to Tim.

A short while later, one of them approached us and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but the guys and I were taking a survey, and we'd like to know what size bra you wear."

Tim and I were dumbfounded at the crude remark. I told him to tell the guys it was none of their business, and he went away. On our way out, Tim made it clear that we were not happy with their rudeness, but only one of them had the courtesy to offer an apology for the remark.

I work with these men every day. We always had a good rapport. There was never any disrespect prior to this. I have seen these men every day and had work-related discussions with them. Two of them have made reference to the incident, but neither has apologized.

I discussed the incident with a female co-worker who is in a supervisory position over these men. She was livid and recommended I report it as sexual harassment. However, their actions have made things here at work very uncomfortable for me. I'm afraid if I make it a workplace issue it could be detrimental.

Should I let this go away on its own, or confront the people involved? I usually avoid socializing with co-workers where alcohol is served for this very reason. -- HURT AND OFFENDED IN DAYTON

DEAR HURT AND OFFENDED: You have nothing to gain by confronting the men who harassed you. As to the matter "going away on its own," as long as your harassers continue to allude to the incident without apology, the matter will not die. I'm casting my vote with the co-worker who advised you to report the incident. If your company does not have clearly written sexual harassment policies, then it's behind the times.

DEAR ABBY: Last April, my nephew, "Frank," a first lieutenant in the Army, was on the third day of a road trip from Fort Campbell, Ky., to Seattle to deliver his pickup truck to his parents' home for storage during his second tour of duty in Iraq. He was on I-80 near Cheyenne, Wyo., in a snowstorm when his truck skidded on an icy patch, collided with a big rig, rolled over multiple times and landed off the roadway in the snow. Frank had multiple deep lacerations to his head, legs and feet, crushed bones in one foot and back, and neck injuries.

Several passers-by stopped to help. One was a nurse who held his neck straight until the paramedics arrived, and a trucker couple who called Frank's parents. However, while these good Samaritans were helping him, another group was going through Frank's things and stealing whatever they wanted. These scavengers took his cell phone, digital camera, Army helmet, wallet with military ID, the truck radio -- even his keys. The tow truck driver finally shooed them away.

I have never considered myself naive. I have lived on I-80 for 20 years and never heard of this happening. Abby, those people actually stole the military ID off a bleeding soldier. Is this as shocking to you as it is to us? -- APPALLED IN ROSEVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR APPALLED: Shocking and deplorable, yes. Unheard of, no. To paraphrase a quote I heard many years ago, "We have seen the enemy, and it is us."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'll make a long story short. I was married to an abusive man I'll call Tony. We had a child together, which I suppose is why I stayed with him for four years. Anyway, we separated, and now I'm in love with his brother, "Joe."

I thought I was so in love with Joe that I let my heart take control. The problem is, he's abusive to me, too. He tried to choke me to death. I want to leave him, but I'm scared because he told me that my husband and his family are trying to take my daughter away from me -- and he says if I leave him he'll make sure they get her.

I'm scared to go to the police because I'm sure I'm going to lose my daughter, and I love her dearly. I can't stand the thought of losing her. I have spoken to Tony about this. He says he would never take my daughter away from me. But I have heard so many things I don't know what to do. I no longer want to be with Joe. I just want to be alone with no headaches. Please help me. -- AFRAID AND CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR AFRAID: One way abusers control their victims is through fear, and that's what Joe is trying to do with you when he threatens you with losing your child. Because this man can be violent, it's even more important that you get your daughter away from him. Many abusers have no compunction about acting out on a child if they feel provoked.

Pick up the phone and call 1-800-799-7233. It's the toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will help you to formulate a safe escape plan for you and your child. I wish you the best of luck.

DAR ABBY: Something happened on a flight to the southwest part of the United States recently, and I'm still seething about it. The flight attendant was taking drink orders. When she took the orders for my nieces, she instructed them to say "please" when giving their order. My sister and I looked at each other in stunned silence. There were other children seated around us, and we listened to see if she would ask them to also say please. They didn't, nor did she ask them to.

Please note that my sister and I are African-American. My nieces are of mixed-race parentage; the children sitting around us were Caucasian.

When the drink orders arrived and were being distributed, the flight attendant told my nieces to say "thank you." Abby, my nieces are very polite girls. They were always taught to say please and thank you. Having someone demand that they say it before they had an opportunity to do so on their own was humiliating not only to them but also to my sister and me.

What should we have done? Should we have taken the attendant aside and asked for an apology, ignored it, or spoken to the airline about it? The whole incident has left a bad taste in our mouths. -- EMBARRASSED IN ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR EMBARRASSED: The flight attendant's behavior was patronizing, presumptuous and discriminatory. If you had called her on it during the flight, the situation might have escalated into an incident that was even more embarrassing.

Do not ignore it. Write a letter to the president of the airline and describe what happened, including the date it occurred, the flight number, and a description of the person who insulted you. She needs further training, and you deserve an apology. If I were that person's employer, I would certainly want to know.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My cousin, "Carol," lives with my Grandma "Lil." Carol is 30 and unemployed. She's a sponge who has lived with all of the members of our family in the area -- even me when I was 20 and had my own apartment.

Grandma Lil has noticed that periodically some of her pain medication has been missing. An expensive watch also went missing. When my grandmother asked Carol if she had seen it, the watch mysteriously reappeared in her jewelry box.

Last week, Grandma Lil was too sick to attend church and asked Carol to please pick up some medicine for her. Carol replied, "Not today," and walked out the door. After several other arguments, Grandma Lil suggested that Carol start looking for somewhere else to live. Carol said, "What do you care? You have enough money to pay for two people."

I'm so angry I can't see straight. Carol needs to be removed from the house, but I'm not sure how to do it. We don't have any proof that anything has happened, but my grandmother wouldn't lie. Is there any organization I can call to get help? Would this be considered elder abuse? -- WORRIED IN NEBRASKA

DEAR WORRIED: It could, indeed, be considered elder abuse. Because your grandmother seems to be unable to get cousin Carol to leave, your local department of aging should be contacted so your grandmother can get the help she needs in getting her emotionally abusive -- and possibly thieving -- granddaughter out of her home. The department on aging offices are listed in your telephone directory under the heading for government offices. Please don't put it off.

DEAR ABBY: I have a touchy family situation. My husband, who is turning 40 this year, doesn't know his biological father. He has been having some health issues, and we feel it would be good to know his paternal medical history.

Abby, his mother refuses to give him the name. When he approached her, she told him she didn't remember it. Bullpucky! How can you get pregnant by someone and not remember his name -- unless it was incest, and then I could understand the skeleton in the closet.

My mother-in-law had to sell her house and move in with us about a year ago. This is delicate because I don't know how to approach her about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You and your husband could approach his mother together and stress the importance of his knowing his father's medical history. However, if she still insists she does not know his father's name, you will have to accept it. She could be telling the truth. When your husband was conceived, his mother might have been drunk, drugged, raped -- or had a one-night stand.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time in years past, you have offered your readers tips for a happy marriage. Have you any to share today? -- ENGAGED IN OHIO

DEAR ENGAGED: As a matter of fact, I do. At the wedding of his youngest daughter, my friend John P. McMeel offered the following "three phrases that guarantee a happy marriage":

-- "I was wrong."

-- "You were right."

-- "I love you."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)