DEAR ABBY: I am 37, never married, and have never even dated much. I am quiet, shy, overweight and plain.

I have been seeing a man who is 42 years old, and who has also never been married. He has proposed, but I haven't given him an answer because I don't think I really love him. He is very good to me and treats me like a queen, but there is absolutely no spark. (There's also no sex. He's impotent and has no plans to do anything about it.)

My question is: Do I marry him and "settle," just to be married, or do I live the rest of my life alone? Is it better to take this chance and marry my best friend, or should I wait for a Prince Charming who might never arrive?

Please answer this question in the newspaper. I don't want anyone to know I'm such an indecisive fool. -- WAVERING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WAVERING: There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Some women have married "Prince Charming" only to have him turn into an abusive frog. Other women have married their "best friend" and lived happily ever after.

That you're not attracted to this man and he's unable to perform could be either good or bad, depending upon how important sex is to you. However, if you're considering marriage to him only because you're afraid you'll never attract anyone else, I urge you to go on a diet, get into an exercise program, and consult the best cosmetician you can afford about a makeover. Beauty may be only skin deep, but the way you package yourself can affect the way you feel about yourself. And once you improve your self-esteem, your luck with men could change for the better.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband borrowed a considerable sum of money from me, with the promise they would repay it in monthly installments. Not long afterward, they filed for bankruptcy and my loan was legally forgiven.

I feel they have a moral obligation to repay me, but my daughter tells me they have no intention of doing so. I am trying to forgive, but I find it difficult to be around them. At 73, I'm still working to pay off the loan I took out for them. How can I put this aside and have a normal family relationship? -- CHEATED IN SPRINGFIELD

DEAR CHEATED: I'm not sure that you should. What your daughter and her husband did was despicable, and you're right to have all of the feelings you do about it.

For the foreseeable future, keep your guard up and your purse closed when you're around them. They have proven that they won't hesitate to use and abuse your generosity and love.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband borrowed a considerable sum of money from me, with the promise they would repay it in monthly installments. Not long afterward, they filed for bankruptcy and my loan was legally forgiven.

I feel they have a moral obligation to repay me, but my daughter tells me they have no intention of doing so. I am trying to forgive, but I find it difficult to be around them. At 73, I'm still working to pay off the loan I took out for them. How can I put this aside and have a normal family relationship? -- CHEATED IN SPRINGFIELD

DEAR CHEATED: I'm not sure that you should. What your daughter and her husband did was despicable, and you're right to have all of the feelings you do about it.

For the foreseeable future, keep your guard up and your purse closed when you're around them. They have proven that they won't hesitate to use and abuse your generosity and love.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife of eight years, "Pearl," died four months ago. She had complications with her diabetes and was retaining fluid. She died of a heart attack.

Pearl made me promise that if I survived her and found someone special I would go on with my life. Well, I have found that special person. I have been dating a wonderful woman, "Iris." We're now engaged to be married. We're both ready and willing to do this.

My problem is, I'm being judged by my friends, and it has nothing to do with Iris. They don't know her, and I'm afraid they'll never accept her or the fact that I'm in love again. My pastors are also angry with me. I tried telling them how I feel; they don't listen.

I am a Christian man and Iris is a Christian woman. A year is too long to wait. If I'm wrong or selfish, I'll accept it, but I want to be happy. If you see a problem with this, let me know. -- IN LOVE AGAIN

DEAR IN LOVE: You may be misjudging your friends and your pastors. Rather than being angry and judgmental, they may be worried that you're making a mistake. Many legal and mental health experts advise widows and widowers to wait a full year before making any important decisions. Because you aren't sobbing at Pearl's grave doesn't mean that you haven't suffered a loss, and the shock that goes with it.

Enjoy your engagement to Iris. If what you have together is as good as you think, it will only get better during the months to come. Let your friends and clergy get to know her. They're not the enemy; they are concerned about your welfare. My advice to you is to slow down.

DEAR ABBY: About 10 years ago, my neighbor, "John," asked if his contractor could come onto my side of the property to install a fence. I agreed, as long as I would not be held accountable should someone be hurt on my property and he would repair any damage that was caused.

When they put in the fence, the construction material was delivered to my driveway, damaging it. The wood from the old fence was piled on my lawn and some of it was never removed. They also poured gravel all over the place. None of the damage was ever repaired.

Now the fence needs to be replaced again, and John is asking me to help him out. I told him he can have permission when I'm paid for the damage that happened the last time -- plus interest. He must also put up a bond that will ensure any damage done this time will be fixed at once.

John is now going around telling everyone that I am not a good neighbor because I want to "charge him" for the right to go on my side of the fence. Any suggestions? -- FENCED-IN IN NEW CITY, N.Y.

DEAR FENCED-IN: Stick to your guns and refuse to be blackmailed. If anyone mentions the rumors to you, explain the reason you're acting the way you are. It may be a little extreme to demand interest on the money your neighbor owes for the first fence repair, but the rest of your conditions seem fair to me.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: I'm a single man, in my mid-40s, an Air Force Academy graduate and former officer, who has never been married. I fell in love with a divorced mother of two who told me while we were dating that for the last 10 years she'd been having an affair with a married man I'll call "Rex." She left her husband because Rex promised he'd leave his wife and marry her, but he reneged -- so they met twice a week for sex. Rex worked nearby and would stop over during his lunch break. She told me all this while I was seeing her.

She finally broke it off about six months ago, saying she knew Rex was "no good for her." Subsequently, I gave her a job in my business, and she has turned out to be an excellent employee. Well, she recently confided to me that Rex came over during Easter and they'd had sex. She said that she didn't "fight it off" when he made his advances.

Abby, this woman is extremely bright. She's a wonderful mother to her daughters, a great worker, yet she lives like someone who's still in college and accountable to no one. She says she's not proud of what she does and calls herself "hopeless" after an afternoon of sex with him, but she continues to do it. We no longer date, but I still have strong feelings for her. Does this make me nuts too? How can I help her? How can I break the spell he has cast over her? -- MIND-BOGGLED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR MIND-BOGGLED: Help her? Has it occurred to you that this woman may be happy just the way things are? She knows there's no future with this man, but she allows this on-again, off-again affair to continue. Not only that, she has a good job with you, a former beau who makes excuses for her and cuts her lots of slack.

Rather than trying to get her head out of the clouds, how about working on your own? You can't "save" someone who doesn't want to be saved. My advice is to appreciate her for what she is -- an excellent employee -- but stop allowing her to dump on you about her personal life, and start looking for a woman who will recognize you for the great catch you are and reciprocate your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Allie," was in a terrible car accident five weeks ago. She's still in a rehabilitation center and will be for several more months.

The driver of the other car has just died from the injuries she incurred in the accident. Allie was at fault. She had been drinking. She feels terrible, as one would expect, that she is recovering and the other woman is being buried. Allie would like to send the family a sympathy card. Is this the appropriate thing for her to do? -- CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED: In circumstances like this, a card would not be appropriate. At the very least, your daughter should write the family of her victim a letter of abject apology. And once she has been released from rehab, she should seek help for her alcohol problem and counseling, if necessary, to help her deal with the guilt.

DEAR ABBY: How does one address a letter of complaint to a company? I don't feel inclined to begin with "Dear" anybody. My mom would have used "Gentlemen" or "Dear Sirs," but that seems antiquated. "People" seems silly, and "To Whom It May Concern," pompous. Have you a better suggestion? -- DIANE IN BURNABY, B.C.

DEAR DIANE: "To Whom It May Concern" isn't pompous; it's proper. However, if it doesn't feel right to you, call and ask the name of the president or owner of the company, and address your complaint to that individual.

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