DEAR ABBY: I'm a junior in college, but I don't feel like one. I am still afraid of my parents. My mom and dad never physically abused me or my brothers, but they were verbally abusive. They had a tough life, married young, and had my older brother and me while they were in their early 20s. They are now in their mid-40s and they still hate each other.

I get phone calls from home every day asking me where I am and what have I done, and if Mom doesn't like what I say, she hangs up and a few minutes later Dad calls to curse me out for "upsetting Mom" because she calls to harass him at work.

I am not going home this summer. I don't think of their house as a home. I have been in therapy for the past two years without telling them. I support myself and pay for my own schooling. The only thing I don't pay for is $200 a month for car insurance.

Abby, I love my parents, but I'm kept a virtual prisoner when I'm at home, and I'm physically ill from being harassed when I'm at school. Please print this; maybe one of them will read it. -- SHAKING SON IN THE BRONX

DEAR SHAKING: It's time to reorganize your priorities. If the only thing that's making you tolerate this situation is the fact that your father is paying your car insurance, you might be better off not driving for a while. For your own mental health, cut not only the umbilical cord with your mother, but also the telephone cord. And because after two years of therapy, you continue to tolerate the treatment you're getting from your parents, please consider changing therapists.

DEAR ABBY: I am 29 and have a slight hearing loss in one ear and almost complete hearing loss in the other. I work in retail, and when I'm talking to a customer and see that the person is getting frustrated by having to repeat his or her questions, I apologize and say that I have a hearing loss.

The question I always get back from them is "Why?" What should I say to them, short of being sarcastic? I think it's rude for people to ask why. I don't even know why I have the hearing loss. (The doctors are clueless.)

Should I even tell people what I have been telling them? -- IRRITATED IN ST. PAUL

DEAR IRRITATED: Because your customer(s) become frustrated at having to repeat their questions, you're doing the right thing to explain the reason why. Asking you what caused the problem is natural curiosity, so please don't hold it against them. Just tell them exactly what you have told me -- you don't know what caused it and the doctors aren't sure. End of discussion.

DEAR ABBY: What are the rules of etiquette for hand-shaking between men and women? Is it proper when a woman extends her hand to a man for him to offer his left hand to shake? Or is this some back-handed insult?

I am involved in receiving lines and have had this happen many times. They always offer their right hand to the next man in line. Should I take this as an insult, or do these men just not know how to act properly? -- IN A QUANDARY IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: A person who looks hard enough for an insult is sure to find one, so I recommend against it. It has been my experience that people who offer their left hand to shake often have a physical problem of some sort such as a sprain or arthritis. You can't go wrong to smile, be charming, and deal with the hand you're dealt.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in the security business. My ex-wife is considering hiring us to provide security at her upcoming wedding because of some potential threats.

The problem is that my ex-wife and I have had some heated differences over the last five years. While our communication has improved greatly, there are still differences regarding our child that remain unresolved. Personally, I don't like my ex very much and I have told her so, but I'm professional in my duties and on the job, and I don't intend to let our personal conflicts get in the way of her happiness.

The only other concern I have about my ex is being paid for our services, as I have been burned by her in the past. Would it be wrong to require payment and a signed contract prior to her wedding? -- FEELING INSECURE ABOUT SECURITY IN OREGON

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: Not at all. But why you would want to do business with a customer you neither like nor trust is beyond me. If there's the slightest doubt that you will be fully compensated for your services, get written proof that you were hired rather than invited as a guest -- and a hefty "security" deposit up front.

DEAR ABBY: Is it OK for an atheist not to participate in the saying of "grace" before a meal while dining with those who do? I ask because I am a non-believer and, frankly, I'm uncomfortable participating in prayer.

On the other hand, I respect other people's beliefs, and I don't want to offend anyone. Your thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. -- NON-BELIEVER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NON-BELIEVER: If you do not wish to say grace, bow your head respectfully while your companions do, and say "Amen" when they are finished. There is no rule of etiquette that demands you say the prayer.

DEAR ABBY: Growing up in a Chinese family, high expectations have always been placed on me, especially since I am the oldest son. I have always been categorized as "gifted," so the academic expectations have been doubled where I'm concerned. I expect to attend an American college, and my parents want me to get into an elite school.

Three months ago, I started dating a girl. I really do love her, but at the same time, I don't want to compromise my grades and disappoint my parents. I'm starting to see the effects this girl is having on my grades, and my parents have also noticed the drop. I haven't told them about her and have been seeing her secretly.

Should I tell my parents and ask for their advice -- which may mean an abrupt end to my relationship with the girl? Or should I try harder with my grades and continue the relationship at the same time? Is she worth the effort? This has been on my mind for two weeks. Please advise me. -- TORN IN TAIWAN

DEAR TORN: You appear to be intelligent and responsible. Although this girl is special to you, there is a lot at stake. Sneaking behind your parents' backs is neither a way to inspire confidence nor to show your maturity. Please level with them. You are all on the same team, and they might be more flexible than you think.

However, if they're not, then your education must come first. Your preparation for college won't last forever, and if you have something special with this girl, you can always pursue it later.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter about hotel workers and how we're not baby sitters. You stated that we members of the hospitality industry make guests feel so "at home" that they "forget" they truly aren't. This is so true!

I am shocked how often parents leave young children in rooms unattended. They assume if the door locks behind them, the child is contained and safe. Not true! Many times, toddlers with limited speaking ability open the door and end up roaming the floor or the lobby. Once they're discovered, they can't tell us what room they came from or who their parents are. It's frustrating trying to locate the absent parents in the gym, spa, restaurant, shop or bar.

I want to make sure your message that hotel staff cannot be baby sitters and conduct business is repeated even more sternly. This includes parents who have left a child napping ("just for a minute!") and now the child awakens, frightened that Mommy and Daddy aren't there, and leaves the room to find them. Thank you, Abby! -- HOTELIER IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR HOTELIER: When I printed that letter, I had no idea it would touch so many nerves. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I travel 10 to 12 times a year, and I can see what the writer is talking about at almost every hotel I stay in. I was in a hotel restaurant in Washington, D.C., recently. A couple had their 2-year-old with them. The child was running wild all over the restaurant, which had a large 2-foot-deep fountain next to it. The staff repeatedly requested that the parents keep their child near them and received no support.

Needless to say, the child wandered over the bridge by the fountain, crawled through the railings and fell in face first. (It was about 10 feet from where I was sitting.) I jumped in and pulled the kid out while the parents and staff just watched. Do you know those parents never even thanked me? They just took the child and finished eating! -- DAVID IN LAKE JACKSON, TEXAS

DEAR DAVID: Just when I think I've heard everything, I receive a letter like yours. That child may have been drenched, but the parents were all wet.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked at a hotel in northern Minnesota for three years. We often host kids' sports teams and their parents. The parents regard these tournament weekends as a private getaway and often leave their children alone in the hotel while they're out drinking and carousing. With no supervision, the children run up and down the halls, make noise and disturb other guests.

Thank you, Abby, for urging parents to pay more attention to how their children behave at hotels. It's not only for the benefit of other guests, but also for the safety of their young ones. -- DESK CLERK

DEAR DESK CLERK: You're welcome.

DEAR ABBY: Here's how the Atlantic City casinos dealt with the problem, which had become monumental. We had children crawling on the floors, running races, sleeping under shrubs -- you name it, we had it.

After some horrendous acts against children a few years back, rules were set up to deal with unattended juveniles. Signs were prominently posted that read, "We care. Unattended children will be turned over to the Atlantic City Police Department."

If, in a reasonable amount of time, the parent or guardian of the unattended child can't be located, the police are called and the child turned over to Youth and Family Services. The result? There are very few unattended juveniles roaming the casino lobbies or hallways. -- READER IN BRIGANTINE, N.J.

DEAR READER: An effective solution to a serious problem.

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