DEAR ABBY: I was so angry after reading the letter about the selfish idiot of a husband who took his mother shopping after his wife's water broke, I had to write. What kind of a spineless wuss is he? His mother should have been told, "My wife and baby are more important than a shopping trip."

As a nurse, I know that after the water breaks, the mom needs to get to the hospital. It's dangerous for her not to. Mother should be sent home and not invited back. She put both mom and baby in danger, and as a mother she should know that. I can't believe a grown woman would be so selfish and manipulative. I hope for their sakes she lives far away. Thanks for letting me vent. -- UPSET IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

DEAR UPSET: That's what I'm here for. You're not alone in your sentiments. The responses to that letter were vehement. Read on:

FROM WARRENVILLE, OHIO: The amniotic sac is the only protection an unborn child has from germs, viruses, etc. Even if the woman is not experiencing labor pains, when the water breaks, she should immediately go to the hospital. It was child abuse for "Dana's" husband to delay medical treatment so he could take his mother to the video store. His claim that his wife should have "insisted" is like saying, "You should have stopped me from beating you." He's blaming his wife for his own bad behavior.

FROM COLUMBIA, S.C.: That man is so into his mother I can't figure out how the pregnancy took place. That man needs a spinning drop-kick to the head. What kind of lunatic would act that way? No one wants to raise a child alone, but it would have served him right if his wife had called a cab, gotten herself to the hospital, and had him served with divorce papers right in the delivery room. And he's blaming her for not being assertive enough? You were too easy on him.

FROM FORT BRAGG, N.C.: That letter brought back memories. After we had our second child, my mother-in-law, "Dixie," talked my husband into leaving me alone with our 2-year-old so they could take a two-day trip to visit his brother. I was invited, too, but having had a C-section less than three days before, I wasn't ready for a three-hour car ride. I was in tears when my mother arrived a few hours later.

A few weeks before the birth of our third child, I informed my husband that if he left me again, our marriage was over. He assured me his mother wouldn't ask. Sure enough, a couple of days later, she did. (This time he told her no.)

I was able to make my point clearly to her a few years later. Dixie had a hysterectomy. When I visited her in the hospital, I invited her to accompany me to my brother-in-law's house three hours away. She wasn't amused, but she got the point.

FROM FORT WORTH, TEXAS: A man who would leave his wife home alone while she's in labor so Mommy can go on a shopping spree does not deserve to be called a man. I can tell you right now, my wife would divorce me over that one!

FROM RICHMOND, VA.: I'm one of your male readers. The first thing the wife should have done when she awoke was hit her husband over the head with a bedpan. Better yet, tell me where he lives and I'LL do it. I have a feeling that new mom now has two children to raise.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 53-year-old man who, thanks to child abuse from his stepfather, is very confused and hurt today because of what he did. I don't know whether I am gay or straight. (I have several children.)

I never said anything about the sexual abuse he put me through because my mother was a violent person, and she needed him so much I knew she'd never believe me. The abuse didn't stop with just him. My three stepbrothers abused me as well.

My real brother shot and killed himself at age 35 because of my abusive mother and stepfather. I have two sisters who have nothing to do with me because of "rumors" about my past and present. I now have a great doctor, and hope to soon find a good therapist.

My question to you is, am I gay because I didn't fight back and tell my stepfather no? -- SCARRED IN NEW YORK

DEAR SCARRED: When an adult, particularly a parent, abuses a child, it is NEVER the child's fault. An adult is an authority figure and physically more powerful. Not fighting back was your way of surviving the sexual assaults; it does not mean that you are homosexual. A therapist will help you to understand this, and I hope you find one soon.

DEAR ABBY: My son "Bill" will graduate from college in a few weeks. His mother and I divorced when Bill was 10. Part of our divorce agreement was that we -- his mother and I -- would pay for Bill's college education. I paid 60 percent; she paid 40 percent.

I have since remarried, and my current wife thinks that a graduation gift is not necessary because my son will be graduating from college debt-free. She thinks that paying for Bill's college education is enough of a "gift." Part of me understands that concept, yet another part of me thinks that my son deserves some sort of a gift. I was thinking of a monetary gift -- in the $500 to $1,000 range. What do you think I should do? -- CURIOUS DAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CURIOUS DAD: Unless she's earning the money that's being given, your current wife should keep her thoughts on this subject to herself. Write a check for whatever amount you wish, and enclose it in a loving letter to your son telling him how proud you are of him and that you love him.

DEAR ABBY: I am very confused right now. When I was 15, I was raped and became pregnant. My father made me give the baby away. Ever since, I have always wanted to know how she was doing and where she was. (I am now 21.)

Recently, my grandmother told me that my daughter is fine and that she lives close by. I was never told because they were afraid I'd want her back and it wasn't possible. Abby, I am very upset that they have never told me where my child was or that the couple who adopted her didn't mind me coming to visit or spend time with her.

I told my boyfriend what happened. He accepts that I have a daughter. Do you think I have a right to be angry because my family didn't disclose my child's whereabouts because they thought it was "better" that I didn't know? -- CONFUSED IN CAMBRIDGE

DEAR CONFUSED: Your feelings are justified, and you have a right to them. However, I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive your parents for what they did. You were a minor, and they may have been trying to spare you some pain.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a female experiencing what one might call "Ugly Duckling Syndrome." I was an awkward child and adolescent, and was teased and rejected by my peers -- especially boys. As I reached adulthood, I "blossomed" into a good-looking young woman -- not exactly a swan, but definitely easier on the eyes than I was.

I get a lot of attention from guys now, but no matter how many people tell me I'm beautiful, I still don't believe it. Inside, I'm still the same plain, unattractive girl I used to be. When people stare at me in public, the first thing I think is they're thinking how ugly I am.

Abby, my negative attitude is pushing people away. People don't really like being around me once they get to know me. (An acquaintance actually said to me, "You're one of the prettiest girls I know, but your attitude is ugly.")

What can I do to enhance my confidence without becoming conceited? -- NOT FEELING PRETTY IN N.J.

DEAR NOT FEELING PRETTY: The problem you have described is not unique. It is sometimes shared by individuals of both sexes who have had plastic surgery that made a considerable difference in their looks. It has less to do with a lack of confidence than with anger at those who failed to notice their inner beauty before.

My advice is to stop obsessing about yourself and concentrate on making the people around you feel better about themselves. Make an effort to be kind to those you encounter, speak well of others, and do something nice for someone else without regard to personal gain every day. If you do that, your insecurities will lessen and you will be a more attractive, less defensive person to be around.

DEAR ABBY: I have read so often about the "other woman." Your advice is always, "If he cheats on his wife, he'll cheat on you." I wish I had listened, but I didn't -- and now I face a lonely future.

For more than 30 years, I was the other woman. I was always faithful to "Hank." I changed my life around to make him happy. I knew he'd never divorce his wife, but I needed Hank in my life. He also cheated on me for 10 years, but then became faithful until three months ago.

Hank's wife died a year ago, and we continued seeing each other. A couple of weeks ago, he announced that he wanted us to be "friends." Hank said I was his special friend, but he could no longer spend every night with me because his children and grandchildren "wouldn't understand."

Last week, I learned that for the past three months, Hank has been seeing another woman. He told her that he sees an old friend "occasionally." Abby, she has been to his house and met his entire family! Hank said if I don't like it, he'll stop seeing me.

I have spent most of my adult life with this man. Now I mean nothing to him. He didn't respect me enough to be honest from the start, and now I'm left with nothing. -- CAN'T STOP CRYING IN TEXAS

DEAR CRYING: Excuse me, but you have not been left with "nothing." You have learned one of life's hard lessons, and you have a future. People recover from worse disappointments than the one you're experiencing. So dry your tears, and if you haven't already done so, salvage some self-respect by telling Hank goodbye. The minute you do, you'll start to feel better about yourself -- and that's the first step in getting your life back on track.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)