DEAR ABBY: Your advice for the attractive HIV-positive young woman was perfect if the world was perfect -- but it's not. As a middle-aged gay man, HIV-positive for 15 years, my status should shock no one -- yet I'm usually rejected once I reveal my status.

I see three imperfect choices for her: Be open about her HIV to everyone she meets (she will thereby "benefit" by having a reputation). Tell her suitors up front during the first romantic outing. Or wait until weeks into dating, only to be disappointed again and again.

I chose the second. I take care of this nasty notification business as early as possible, preferably not in the heat of passion. The lies an HIV-positive person encounters can be quite an education. I'm nearly always told, "Thanks for telling me, being honest with me. It's OK, we'll just play safe," and the guy vanishes.

I now have a wonderful partner (he's negative) who loves me as I am. One day, I hope she'll be equally blessed. -- STEVE IN L.A.

DEAR STEVE: I don't think a person's illness or disability should define her or him. I advised the woman to take the time to get to know someone -- and let him get to know her -- before having sex, and that when she was ready for physical intimacy, she should disclose. Many people disagreed, but not all. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have AIDS and I'm happily married. I have lived with HIV for many years and have always been up-front about it. People respect me for being honest. When I was dating, I always let the man know. If he wasn't open, then I knew he wasn't "Mr. Right." Honesty is the best policy. -- MARRIED WITH AIDS IN FLORIDA

DEAR MARRIED: I agree. And in a case like this, honesty is a must. Thanks for sharing your success story.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived with HIV for 14 years and am involved with HIV education programs. I have found it's best to get the message over with up front. While it's painful if someone you're interested in drops you because of your status, it's better to find out early than waste time on someone who can't handle it. Take it from someone who's been there many times over.

Some cities offer social events specifically for people who have HIV, and there are several online dating resources. Two of them are: www.pozmatch.com and www.positivepersonals.com. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN TEXAS

DEAR B.T.D.T.: Your letter will comfort more people than you know. Thanks for writing.

And by the way, dear readers, here are two online dating sites for people with herpes: www.h-date.com and www.hmates.com.

DEAR ABBY: You were correct when you told that writer, "If the man loves you, he won't leave you." I hope the writer believes you, because what you said is the truth.

More than a year ago, I met a charming, handsome gentleman. We're both mature professionals in our 40s. Our relationship progressed very slowly, but when things finally began to heat up, I asked him directly what his status was. After looking into his eyes for two seconds, I knew the truth. He confirmed that he was HIV-positive and had been for 18 years.

I was stunned, because he appeared to be the picture of health. He looked at me and said, "If you walk away now, I won't blame you." I'm forever grateful that he waited to tell me, and that we had built enough of a relationship that I stayed and listened.

Many people read your column, and your messages are highly regarded. Thank you for not perpetuating a "run for the hills" mentality when it comes to HIV and relationships. -- FOUND MY SOUL MATE IN PA.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been making your pecan pie recipe for more than 10 years and have received many compliments along the way.

Several years ago, a festival was held in our small town on the courthouse lawn. Among the activities was a contest for the best pie, which I entered using your recipe. To the delight of my wife and friends, and the chagrin of the other contestants -- all ladies of the town -- I took first prize! Of course, I had to bake one for each and every one of my close friends. I think it's time you reprinted the recipe.

Love your column, Abby. -- DAVID HARPER, FAYETTEVILLE, TENN.

DEAR DAVID: I'm taking your suggestion, and I'm delighted that the pie was such a hit for you. My mother, Pauline Phillips, a woman with a notorious sweet tooth, discovered it in the early '60s when it was served to her at the now-demolished Phoenix Hotel in Lexington, Ky. The recipe was created by the hotel's pastry chef, who kindly shared the recipe with her.

Readers, today I'm sharing the recipe with you:

ABBY'S FAMOUS PECAN PIE

-- 9-inch unbaked pie crust

-- 1 cup light corn syrup

-- 1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar

-- 3 eggs, slightly beaten

-- 1/3 cup butter, melted

-- 1/2 teaspoon salt

-- 1 teaspoon vanilla

-- 1 heaping cup pecan halves

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees.

2. In a large bowl, combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, salt and vanilla; mix well. Pour into unbaked pie crust; sprinkle with pecan halves.

3. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is set. (Toothpick inserted in center will come out clean when pie is done.) Cool. If crust or pie appears to be getting too brown, cover with foil for the remaining baking time.

You can top it with a bit of whipped cream, but even plain, nothing tops this!

TIP: The original recipe stated that the pie should be baked 45 to 50 minutes in a preheated 350-degree gas oven. If an electric oven is used, it may be necessary to add 15 to 20 minutes to the baking time. (Begin testing the pie with a toothpick after 45 minutes.)

Readers, this recipe is included in my set of cookbooklets, which contain more than 100 mouthwatering recipes for soups, salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts. Some people have told me they have held "Dear Abby Dinner Parties" using the cookbooklets. The set can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Can you explain to me why everybody in the neighborhood can hear a barking dog except the dog's owner? -- PETER IN CANTON, OHIO

DEAR PETER: For the same reason that the parents of screaming children in restaurants ignore it. They've grown so used to it that they no longer hear the disruption.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died last December from internal bleeding. Against her wishes, I put her on a respirator. I wanted her to be around until all her family could be with her. I know that taking her off the respirator was the right thing to do. Five doctors said there was no hope. But I was looked down on by her brother and my sister. Everyone had me second-guessing myself.

My ex-husband agrees that what I did was right, because Mom wouldn't have wanted to survive with no quality of life.

My father has been ill for a long time, but recently has taken a turn for the worse. I'm doing the best I can to care for him and do the right thing, but it's like dealing with my mother's death all over again. My sister makes me feel like I'm trying to hurry Dad into the grave, but I don't feel that I am. Dad and Mom were married 51 years; he has been very lonely without her.

Dad suffers from lung cancer, congestive heart failure and poor circulation because of diabetes. My sister doesn't want to let him go, and I don't want him to linger. I want him to be happy and go in peace to where he wants to be.

I have arranged for hospice and we're keeping Dad medicated for comfort. But my sister thinks I'm keeping him drugged up to push him to die. I'm emotionally exhausted and tired of battling with my sister. I'm still mourning the loss of Mom. Can you give me some words of wisdom or help? –- HEARTBROKEN IN MISSOURI

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Assuming the role of head of the family is never easy, and my hat is off to you for stepping up to the plate as you have.

Your father could not have been placed in a hospice program unless his doctor(s) agreed that he has less than six months to live. Hospice assures that the time he has left will be spent as comfortably as possible, but it also does more than that. It offers spiritual counseling to the patient's family during their own time of need. I urge you to discuss with the hospice staff the pressure you're under, so that both you and your sister can receive some much-needed counseling and support. They can help the both of you through this transition. You have my sympathy.

Readers, for information about hospice, contact National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization at � HYPERLINK "http://www.caringinfo.org" ��www.caringinfo.org�, or call toll-free (800) 658-8898.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have three children, so our social life revolves mostly around them, our families and church. Although I am considered quite attractive, I always dress very conservatively.

My husband and I have planned a long, romantic weekend getaway at a resort about 300 miles from here. I have been considering wearing some sexy outfits when we go out to dinner and to the nightclub at the resort. Normally, I'd feel uncomfortable dressing "wild and sexy," but since it's highly unlikely that we'll run into anyone we know there, I think it would be fun. My husband always loved it when I wore miniskirts, so I know how he would feel about it.

Can you offer your opinion? I can't ask any of my friends about this because I'm afraid they might gossip about my private life. -- USUALLY SHY IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR USUALLY SHY: I think your plan sounds great. Discuss it with your husband first, so the shock doesn't kill him. Then go and have a great time. And if, by chance, you should happen to encounter someone you know, remember you're a respectable married lady, and you have nothing to apologize for.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)