DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in love and want to be married. I want to make certain that when I marry it is forever. Have you a list of topics that should be discussed before saying "I do"? We both want to be sure we know and understand each other before making this lifetime commitment. -- JENNIFER IN LAKEWOOD, COLO.

DEAR JENNIFER: I like the way you think. Among the topics that should be aired are:

(1) Are you both ready for a monogamous relationship?

(2) Are you both ready to establish a family independent of your parents?

(3) Are you both self-supporting and capable of supporting each other and any children that come along, should the need arise?

(4) Are your philosophies about child-rearing and discipline similar?

(5) Are your career goals compatible?

(6) Do you think alike about sex, religion and politics?

(7) Do you think alike about money and finances?

If the answer to the majority of these questions is "yes," then your marriage should endure with little conflict.

I recently received a little book in the mail that you and your boyfriend might find helpful. It is very well done, easy to read and jargon-free, and although it was written for military couples whose marriages can be subject to extreme stresses, it can provide food for thought to civilian couples as well. It was written by a former military chaplain, Gene Thomas Gomulka. The title is "The Survival Guide for Marriage in the Military." It can be ordered from www.plaintec.net. The price is $11.95 a copy, and it's worth every penny.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced mother of a 19-year-old daughter, "Dawn," who still lives at home. Dawn recently graduated from high school and has a couple of college credits. Even though she lives at home, she does nothing to help me. She's always out with her friends or they're at my house while I'm at work. Dawn has no job (she says she's still looking), and she has been stealing money from my purse and using my debit card without my knowledge. I have confronted her about it and told her she has to pay me back.

What can I do to make my daughter understand that stealing from me won't be tolerated and that living at home means sharing the housework? -- WIT'S END, ALLEN, TEXAS

DEAR WIT'S END: Your daughter didn't hatch from the egg as a selfish, thoughtless thief with no respect for you. You created this monster by allowing her to get away with murder for years.

It's time for your little girl to start acting like a grown-up, which won't happen until you toughen up. Lock up your purse and lay down the law. Give her a deadline to have a job or get out. When she gets one (and I'm sure you'll be surprised how quickly), insist that she turn her paycheck over to you so you can bank half of it for her. Once she has accumulated enough for first and last months' rent on a place of her own, start "helping" her out of the nest. Until then, her "rent" to you will be paid in household chores.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: A happy Passover, everyone!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Chad" for three years. About a year ago I had sex with a couple of other guys. I immediately confessed to Chad and told him how sorry I was for hurting him. He forgave me and told me he had lied to me about touching the strippers at his brother's bachelor party earlier that year.

Now Chad says that because of my mistakes he wants to be free to be with other girls while still dating me. This includes making out, sex, and anything that a steady couple would do. He told me I can do the same, and he only wants his freedom to ensure that I am the one for him. I don't want to do it because I already know that he's the one for me.

Chad says if I don't allow him to do what he wants, I am being a hypocrite, and he needs to see for himself that I'm the one he wants. Yet he also says he would want to see others regardless of what I did. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to share him, either. What should I make of this? -- LOVES CHAD IN PEORIA

DEAR LOVES CHAD: Make of this that your boyfriend has wild oats to sow, and he no longer wants an exclusive relationship. This young man is not ready to settle down, and he also isn't sure that you're the woman for him. That's a pretty strong message. So, sad as it may be, pack your emotional bags and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am almost 12. I have skipped a grade, so I'm in grade seven. I read your column every day. Abby, I am NOT one of those girls who "show off" their body, or already have a boyfriend. But I do have a problem. In my opinion, my chest is too big.

I have talked to my mother about this. She says there is nothing wrong with it: "Theirs will be like yours also." My mum and grandmum like buying me clothes, but I am ashamed to wear them -- not because of their style, but because they make my chest seem as big as it is.

Please answer this. I have asked everyone I thought I could ask, but none answered helpfully. Don't get me wrong; I am healthy and everything -- I'm just fed up. -- BIG PROBLEM, HAIFA, ISRAEL

DEAR BIG PROBLEM: Talk to your mother and grandmother again. Although they are proud of the fact that you are developing a womanly figure, they need to understand that you will need some "transition time" to accept the changes that are happening to you. With that in mind, they should accommodate you by helping you to find looser-fitting, less-revealing clothing that you feel comfortable wearing until your classmates catch up with you.

DEAR ABBY: What should I do about a dysfunctional family -- my dear brother and his three-ring circus? His wife never cleans their house; my mother does it when she can. The children, all under 16, are unsupervised and misbehave terribly. The 7-year-old has breathing problems and surgery is pending. She's being home-schooled by my sister-in-law, who has only a sixth- or seventh-grade education. The child is also grossly overweight.

My brother is unwilling to stand up to his wife, who threatens suicide. He refuses to talk to his clergyman or to a counselor. What can I do to intervene? I'm worried about those children. -- WORRIED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WORRIED: I'm concerned, too. Pick up the phone and call Childhelp USA. The toll-free phone number is (800) 422-4453. Childhelp USA believes it is important to create hope for all children who suffer abuse and neglect, and they can put you in touch with services in your own state that can look into this matter.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman, married to a 44-year-old man I'll call Harlan.

The abuse didn't start until six months after we were married. It didn't happen often at first, so I felt like I deserved being hit. Three years into our marriage, Harlan kicked me until I curled up in the fetal position. Then he soaked me with lighter fluid and told me he'd be right back after he ran a tub of water so he could put me out after I burned. When he left, I jumped into my car and left for the first time.

Soon after, I met someone. He was a great guy and I wanted so badly to be happy, but after six months I returned to Harlan. Harlan had promised that things would be different and, at first, they were great –- until he started drinking again.

Then one day I got in the car with him, and he said we were going for a ride. He pulled out a pistol, pointed it at my head, and told me I'd never breathe again. He made me get on my knees and beg for my life.

Then he ordered me to get into the trunk of the car. I refused, and he fired a shot. The bullet buzzed past my head. Next, he told me to get back in the car next to him. He pointed the gun in my direction and fired. I lost the hearing in my left ear and had severe headaches for months afterward.

You would think after all that I'd leave and never come back, because each time I do it gets worse. I have reported Harlan to the police and they had evidence against him, but still refuse to do anything. My heart is aching and I feel like I am to blame. Please help me. I love my husband, Abby, but I know in my heart if I don't go I'll end up badly hurt. -- HURTING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR HURTING: Your letter curled my hair. If you don't leave your husband you will wind up DEAD. Although you love him, you must wake up and recognize that his abuse has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. He is sick, without the normal controls that people need to function in a healthy relationship, and he is dangerous.

When dealing with a personality like your husband's, you must be very careful about leaving. The people at the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you formulate an escape plan. Their toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. (They also have a TTY number for the hearing-impaired: (800) 787-3224.) Once you are safely away, you will need psychological help to break this cycle, and I pray that this time you'll get it. You will have to make a new start, and mental health professionals who deal with domestic violence can help you accomplish it. I wish you luck.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my smart, funny and caring (then) 16-year-old son, "Will," told me he was gay. I was, and am, very supportive and told him my only wish is for him to be happy. At that time, I asked Will to tell his father, and he said he would –- when he was ready.

Two years have passed and still not a word to Dad. I have told Will that I feel his father will be supportive. My son knows that we have gay friends, and he has never heard either of us utter a derogatory word about gays. I don't feel it's my place to tell my husband, but I feel awful that I have known for so long. I'm worried that my husband will be hurt if he finds out just how long I have known without informing him. Should I go ahead and tell my husband, or wait until Will is ready? –- MOM OF A WONDERFUL GAY SON

DEAR MOM: Talk to Will and find out why he won't come out to his father. Your son may have his reasons. However, two years is a long time to carry a "secret" like this one, so tell him that the burden of silence has grown heavy for you. Offer to be with him when he talks to his dad -- but do not betray the confidence.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)