DEAR ABBY: I am the stepmother of a preteen girl who has emotional problems. "Leah" treats me, my family and my friends like garbage. She's insulting, disrespectful and very mouthy. She lives with us because we are a stable, loving family, and our community has an excellent school system.

Leah's father and I are trying our best to raise her correctly and show her we love her very much, but it hasn't been easy. We are not the enemy because we expect her to clean her room, do her homework and participate in family life.

I would like to urge divorced parents everywhere to refrain from poisoning their children's minds about their stepparents. Bad-mouthing and brainwashing backfires in the end. Leah is more hurt than we are by her mother's constant negative input.

My husband and I will soon begin counseling with Leah, but I'd like to know if there is a support group for stepparents that we can join. We're trying the best we know how, and it would help to talk to other people in our situation. -- WEARY IN WYOMING

DEAR WEARY: I'm pleased that your family is getting professional help in coping with Leah's emotional problems, and I agree that speaking with others in your situation could be helpful.

The Stepfamily Association of America has chapters and support groups nationwide, as well as professional workshops and conferences for the entire family. Contact it toll-free at (800) 735-0329, or visit the Web site at www.saafamilies.org.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

DEAR ABBY: My problem may seem small compared to many of the letters in your column, but I don't know what to do. My problem concerns dentists' offices.

When I was young, dentists had private treatment rooms for patients. Now I cannot find a dentist who doesn't subscribe to the "open floor plan." All examinations, treatments and cleanings take place in plain view of whoever passes by.

I am a very private person, and in addition, I have some teeth that are like the stars. (They come out at night.) I like to maintain the fantasy that my family, friends and neighbors do not know my secret. However, the illusion is difficult to maintain when I sit in plain view with my mouth open, while the "pearly whites" that once appeared to be mine rest on a pedestal, and my next-door neighbor strolls over to say hello. The old saying, "It's a small world," never rings so true as when I'm in the dentist's chair. I shudder to think that my gynecologist could follow in my dentist's footsteps.

The dentist knows how I feel, but he has no private rooms in his office. I could look for another dentist who offers more privacy, but I have been with "Dr. Bill" for 20 years, and I really like him. Any suggestions, Abby? -- OVEREXPOSED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR OVEREXPOSED: You are overdue for a frank talk with Dr. Bill. If you haven't told him how embarrassed you were when your neighbor caught you with your teeth out, you should have. Even if the office can't accommodate a private room, there is no reason why a curtain could not be installed near one of his chairs, as they are near some hospital beds.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -- Anais Nin

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are well-educated professionals. This is the second marriage for both of us. We love each other and feel blessed to have found each other.

Our sex life was wonderful for the first two years of our marriage. But we've been married for four years now, and for the last two I have had to beg him for affection. I'm lucky if it happens every other month now, and when it does it's like he's thinking, "OK, let's get this chore over with," and he merely accommodates me. I have told him how ugly, unloved and insecure this makes me feel, but nothing changes.

I always thought it was a sin to cheat on your spouse, but, Abby, I'm beginning to understand why someone would "wander." Talk doesn't help, and he refuses to see a counselor. What do I do now? -- FRUSTRATED SPOUSE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Talking may not resolve your problem. Your husband owes you an explanation about why your sex life changed so radically two years ago. And you owe it to him -- and yourself -- to hear him out. Some sessions for you, alone, with a professional counselor might help you to gain some insight.

You love each other and consider yourselves blessed to have found each other. Taking a lover will only drive you apart, and I don't recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, while I was in high school, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was very immature then and didn't appreciate what I had.

He and I remained friendly after the breakup, and he married someone else. The marriage was a disaster from the beginning, and some mutual friends have told me that he confided that he wished he had married me.

He and his wife divorced about a year ago. Not long after that, he started dropping by the store where I work to make small talk.

Abby, I really miss him. I think about him all the time. He was the nicest guy I have ever dated. I'd like to start seeing him again, but I don't know how to get the ball rolling. I don't think he's dating anyone, and I'm not even sure he would want to date me. I'm afraid if I make the first move he will laugh at me. What should I do? -- WANTS HIM BACK IN ALABAMA

DEAR WANTS HIM: Ask him to have coffee, see a movie -- or better yet, have dinner with you. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And I promise you, he won't laugh.

DEAR ABBY: We provided our 16-year-old daughter, "Alex," with her own car. Her 16-year-old boyfriend, "Neil," isn't driving yet. Neil expects Alex to be able to drive to his house or out to see a movie, and gets upset if she can't.

Is it right for Alex to do all the driving when they go out on a date? Shouldn't Neil's parents be doing some of the driving since he can't? -- CONCERNED PARENTS IN KENTUCKY

DEAR CONCERNED: Since Alex has a car and Neil doesn't drive yet, it's logical that she would be expected to provide transportation. However, there are other things to consider: Who is doing the calling and inviting? Who pays for their dates? If your daughter is doing all of the "courting," the relationship is out of balance.

Feeling as you do, mention your concerns to Neil's parents. And while you're on the subject, tell them that you do not want your daughter visiting their home unless there is an adult present. She should not spend time there without supervision.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I met an attractive woman at a consumer products show. She works for a company that supplies items to the store where I work. She wasn't wearing a ring, and she seemed interested in me, so I decided to ask her to lunch.

I had always heard that women welcome flowers, and prefer them to direct invitations because it allows them to reply with a warm thank-you or refuse without putting anyone on the spot. So I ordered a mixed bouquet with a card that carried a friendly -- not romantic -- message. She never acknowledged it, but I received a brief fax from her boss saying that I was off-base and the flowers were inappropriate. He signed off with a directive that I make no further contact.

Abby, I was mortified! Was it necessary to embarrass me with a fax that everyone in the store could have read? I don't know if he took it upon himself to do this, or she asked him to do it for her. I'm not even sure whether she received the flowers or if he intercepted them. All that fax did was ensure an awkward situation the next time she and I cross paths at a show or during business transactions.

How should I handle our next meeting? Should I pretend it never happened? Should I cross them off our supplier list to avoid further contact? Should I let her know so that I can possibly get another shot at it, or did I blow it so terribly wrong? I'm a caring, sensitive person and don't understand why this innocent gesture generated such a reply. -- EMBARRASSED IN IOWA

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I don't know who told you that women prefer flowers to a direct invitation, but the information was incorrect. Frankly, the approach was a bit over the top and may have made the woman uncomfortable. If she indicated that to her employer, he had a legal obligation to step in on her behalf. However, his technique was heavy-handed. It would have been better had he talked to your employer or human resources for your company and asked that person to speak to you privately about it.

If I were you, I'd forget about trying to cultivate a personal relationship with the lady. It's not necessary to "cross them off your list"; just keep any further contact with her strictly related to business.

DEAR ABBY: I work as a volunteer, helping recent immigrants find jobs. Several months ago, a middle-aged woman I'll call Maria was hired as a maid with a large hotel chain. Maria is struggling to learn English, and she makes very little money. I asked her if she receives tips from hotel guests, and she replied by showing me a small glass jar containing nickels and pennies. There were no dollar bills.

Maria told me that after the guests check out, her supervisor checks the room before she does, and it is assumed that any monies in denominations larger than small change are removed before she's allowed to enter and prepare the room for the next guest.

I trust that this kind of behavior is not common practice, but from now on, when I stay at a hotel, I'll either tip the maid personally when I see her in the hall, or leave it for her a day before my departure to ensure the proper person receives my gratuity. -- CAREFUL TIPPER IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CAREFUL: That's a good idea and one worth sharing. I'm printing your letter because many hotel guests "forget" how hard hotel staff work for low pay, and sometimes leave without giving them a gratuity. As to when to tip, the best time is at the beginning of your stay at a hotel.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)