DEAR ABBY: My mother is 80 and still lives by herself. She has had three strokes in the last two years, and her memory is very bad. She is also very stubborn and belligerent. She really belongs in an assisted-living facility; however, she refuses to go to one. She says she'll kill herself first.

I manage Mama's finances. I also make her doctor's appointments, transport her there, take her to the pharmacy, the grocery store, etc. I do all Mama's driving because she can't leave the block she lives on without getting lost.

Mother depends on me for everything, and she hates my husband of 18 years, who treats us both like gold. She would never admit it, but she hates him because he's physically disabled and it keeps me from giving her all my time and attention.

Mama tries to make me feel guilty by acting like she's completely helpless. There are a lot of things she could do for herself, but she refuses. I'm always stressed out over her, on top of the load I'm carrying with my husband and daughter. Have you any suggestions? -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN TULSA

DEAR STRESSED: You are a conscientious, dutiful daughter. However, people can spread themselves only so thin without it beginning to affect their health.

If your mother's reasoning had not been already affected by strokes and dementia, she would realize that fact. The time has come to call her doctor and discuss what alternatives might be available in caring for her. Assisted living would be ideal, but only if she could adjust to it. If it would be too traumatic, perhaps a part-time caregiver could be hired through senior services in your community.

DEAR ABBY: I was in a serious car accident back in 1986 and have been living with the facial scars ever since. I hate the way I look and would like to see if a doctor can improve my appearance. The problem is, my husband doesn't want me to talk to a doctor.

Yes, I had the scars when I met my husband 15 years ago. I have lived with the deformities for a very long time. But not a day goes by that I don't think about how I could look if I had surgery to improve my appearance.

I don't know if my insurance would cover the costs of surgery, but when it comes to my husband "needing" a boat, Jeep or snowmobile –- or whatever suits his fancy at the time -- money is never a problem.

I have money from the car accident, and if there were any costs for the surgery, it wouldn't have to come out of my husband's paycheck. I cannot express to you how bad I feel about myself, but my husband does know. Do you think I should see a doctor to find out if surgery is an option for me, or should I just accept the way I am and not think about improving my appearance? -- SCARRED AND CONFUSED IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR SCARRED: By all means consult a plastic surgeon. You deserve to be the best that you can be. However, when you do, please understand that it could change the dynamics of your relationship with your husband. It appears that he has a vested interest in keeping you just as you are, and the reason may be that he is afraid he will lose you if you look different. Some sessions with a marriage counselor might put his fears to rest. Much depends upon his own level of self-esteem.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19, and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of five years. Ever since we got settled in our new home, he has invited his friends over on a daily basis. It's not just one or two, Abby; he has six to nine people stopping by every day to hang out, watch movies and even eat dinner with us.

I have tried expressing to him that I'd like to be asked before these people are invited. He'll comply occasionally, but most of the time I come home and find three people lounging in our living room like they own the place. His response when I get upset is, "I pay half the rent. Can't I have my friends over?"

There are nights when I want to come home, put my feet up, and read a book in peace and quiet, or better yet, spend time just with him. How can I communicate this without making him defensive? -- CROWDED OUT IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CROWDED: There is a secret to successful cohabitation. It's called compromise. Consideration for the other person's feelings is also helpful. Before inviting friends to come and hang out, or share a meal, your boyfriend should call and ask if that's OK with you. That's what partners do to keep peace under their roof. Please clip this and show it to your boyfriend. It's not a question of all or nothing; it's simply common courtesy.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved mother died the first week of February. Four hours after she drew her last breath, at a lunch following our visit to the mortuary to make burial arrangements, her "friend" of more than 40 years, "Marilyn," began asking me to give her items from my mother's home.

I agreed to let her have two chairs at some time in the future. Within two days after my return home (I live in a neighboring state), Marilyn and her husband entered Mother's home and removed two carloads of furniture -– not including the two chairs. They took photographs and personal items belonging to my mother, some of which were removed from her bedroom.

I insisted they return what they took, which they claim they did, but I'll always wonder whether they returned everything. Should I report the theft to the authorities or to the other family members? Should I demand an accounting from the so-called friends? -- ANGRY AND HEARTSICK IN SUN CITY

DEAR ANGRY AND HEARTSICK: By all means disclose what happened not only to your other family members, but also to your mother's lawyer and the police. The lawyer can demand the accounting, and the police can make sure that all the items were indeed returned.

DEAR ABBY: My beloved mother died the first week of February. Four hours after she drew her last breath, at a lunch following our visit to the mortuary to make burial arrangements, her "friend" of more than 40 years, "Marilyn," began asking me to give her items from my mother's home.

I agreed to let her have two chairs at some time in the future. Within two days after my return home (I live in a neighboring state), Marilyn and her husband entered Mother's home and removed two carloads of furniture -– not including the two chairs. They took photographs and personal items belonging to my mother, some of which were removed from her bedroom.

I insisted they return what they took, which they claim they did, but I'll always wonder whether they returned everything. Should I report the theft to the authorities or to the other family members? Should I demand an accounting from the so-called friends? -- ANGRY AND HEARTSICK IN SUN CITY

DEAR ANGRY AND HEARTSICK: By all means disclose what happened not only to your other family members, but also to your mother's lawyer and the police. The lawyer can demand the accounting, and the police can make sure that all the items were indeed returned.

DEAR ABBY: My question is a simple one. Which way should a woman wear her engagement and wedding ring set? I wear mine so the wedding band is inside and the engagement ring is outside. My friend wears hers the opposite way. Which is correct? -- NEEDS TO KNOW, CLOVIS, N.M.

DEAR NEEDS: The wedding band should be worn closest to the heart, and the engagement ring should be placed as a "guard" on the outside.

DEAR ABBY: Every holiday or special occasion that's celebrated in our home involves a certain amount of "horseplay" between the men -- my two adult stepsons and stepsons-in-law. Their ages range from 38 to 40.

When these supposed grown-ups come to visit, open gifts, etc., they wind up wrestling in our living room. The base of one of my lamps has been chipped, and once, my granddaughter (then 10) was pushed into a glass table and her back was scraped through her shirt.

I have asked them nicely to stop or to go downstairs, and this year I asked them to take it outside. They'll quit for a while, but act like I'm ruining their fun by telling them to stop. My husband refuses to say anything to them about it. He says it's a small price to pay because they are otherwise helpful, considerate and caring individuals, which is true.

I should add that alcohol is involved, but to remove it is not an option. It would create huge problems between my husband and me if I suggested it. I struggle between guilt for being upset, and frustration because I'm afraid someone will get hurt or my furniture will be broken. Any suggestions? -- NOT AMUSED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR NOT AMUSED: You're afraid someone will be hurt? Someone WAS hurt -- your granddaughter! If that wasn't a wake-up call for those literally "high"-spirited, overgrown adolescents, it will never happen. At the very least, the "boys" should pay to repair or replace any items they have damaged.

Alcohol isn't "involved"; alcohol is the problem. It appears to have lowered the very inhibitions your stepsons and stepsons-in-law need to maintain in order to behave like civilized adults. Until the issue is brought out into the open in your family, your problem will continue.

DEAR ABBY: I invite my best friend, "Lara," out for lunch about twice a month, so we can sit down and catch up on our lives in person. I look forward to it, and consider it female bonding time. Because Lara currently has a low-paying job, I foot the bill for these outings. I don't mind doing it because I enjoy her company.

Lara's husband, "Nicky," is out of work, and frankly, he's not looking very hard to find another one. (Most of his unemployment checks are spent on movies, video games, etc.) My problem is that Lara usually asks me if Nicky can come along with her to lunch. I always say yes because I don't know how to say no without offending her.

This leads to another problem. My budget only allows for a certain amount of fun stuff. Paying for Nicky drains my budget pretty quickly. He invariably orders the most expensive items on the menu, and a $30 luncheon becomes a $50 or $60 tab.

Is there a nice way of telling Lara that her husband's presence interferes with my one-on-one time with her without offending her or embarrassing me? -- FRUSTRATED IN RAINY CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I think you've put it very well in your letter. Her husband's presence restricts the kind of conversation you'd prefer to have with her, and the expense is busting your budget. That's neither offensive nor should it be embarrassing. It's the truth.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)