DEAR ABBY: I work in a hotel where many people pass through our lobby each day. We have great guests, but we also get our share of strange or questionable people, too. It's not uncommon for police to send us information or inquire about criminals of various sorts who stop over at hotels. And, for the record, it doesn't matter how posh the hotel is, either.

My letter concerns parents who allow very young children to come to the front desk alone, or to hang out in the lobby. I have seen scantily clad young teens in swimsuits walk by. These girls have no clue that they're being ogled by 40-plus businessmen in suits who make off-color comments about their bodies.

It's also not unusual to see 4- and 5-year-olds get on and off the elevators alone because their parents don't feel like coming to the desk to pick up items.

Why, then, do we wonder how our kids are snatched up so easily by predators?

Hotel staff are here to serve and be helpful, but we cannot serve as baby sitters. We are often multitasking, so no one should assume we have an eye on your child. How are we to know whether the 50-year-old man pulling your 12-year-old daughter aside and whispering something in her ear is her dad -- or a pervert?

When children go missing, we staff members get screamed at by parents insisting that we should have seen something suspicious about the person the child was last seen with. Well, here's the simple answer: We're employed to conduct hotel business, not monitor children. When the telephone rings, we must answer and take a reservation. Our attention cannot be on your child when there is a lobby bustling with activity, a line of five or more guests checking in and out, someone on the inside line requesting more pillows or questioning a bill, and our outside lines are ringing off the hook. -- FRUSTRATED AT THE FRONT DESK

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I understand and sympathize. Part of the problem may be that the hospitality industry has been so successful in making guests feel at home away from home, that people forget they are NOT at home. An illustration would be a recent item on the television news here in California. An attractive young woman entered her upscale hotel and decided to dash into the powder room off the main lobby. She was unaware that a man followed her into the hotel through the lobby and into the bathroom. The only thing that saved her from his sexual assault was that another woman happened to enter the bathroom.

Signs posted in every hotel room warn guests to verify the identity of strangers before admitting them. In the interest of safety, travelers should never let their guard down, and parents should remain vigilant.

DEAR ABBY: My son, who is 19, went to his aunt and uncle's during the New Year's holidays. They live 3 1/2 hours away from us. On his way back home, he got a speeding ticket.

Do you think we were wrong to make him return his Christmas gifts as punishment? His ticket cost $970 including attorney's fees. Our son thinks we were out of line. -- DISGUSTED IN GEORGIA

DEAR DISGUSTED: The punishment should fit the crime -- and in this case, I don't think it did. Rather than returning his Christmas gifts, a better "punishment" would have been for him to repay the money you fronted on his behalf.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a nursing supervisor in a large hospital. There is a policy in hospitals that the public does not understand, and it has caused more than a few problems.

Because of privacy laws, all patients admitted to the hospital must be asked if they want to be a "privacy patient" or a "no publicity patient." If they answer yes to that question, it means that if anyone calls, or comes to the hospital, we cannot even acknowledge that the patient is here. We must say, "I don't have a patient listed by that name."

Not surprisingly, this often upsets friends and family members. So please, Abby, remind your readers about the privacy laws. We are not purposely lying to anyone; we are just following the patient's instructions and obeying the rules. Thank you. -- FRUSTRATED NURSE IN IRONTON, OHIO

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Thank YOU for injecting an important dose of reality. While some patients may welcome visitors, many more do not. One solution is to assign a particular relative or friend to be the "minister of information." That way, there is less emotional wear and tear on all concerned.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee has requested that I stop opening doors for her after I asked her to acknowledge my courtesy with a "thank you." This simple (in my opinion) request turned into a huge argument after she told me I should not open doors for her anymore.

Abby, I was brought up to be a gentleman and to treat women like ladies. Am I wrong for wanting to be appreciated for doing this, or should I stop being so darn sensitive and forget about opening doors for her, which goes against who I am? -- CLOSING THIS DOOR IN HONOLULU

DEAR CLOSING: You are not "wrong" to want your courtesy to be acknowledged. That is the way you were raised. However, you have proposed to someone whose background is not as refined as yours. Before you tie the knot, please consider carefully that this woman will be raising your children. Is someone with her attitude the kind of person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life?

DEAR ABBY: When my husband's grandmother died two years ago, my mother-in-law, "Shirley," told us we could go through the items left in her mother's house, take what we wanted, and then discard the rest. I took mostly kitchen stuff -- mainly pots and pans.

My birthday was last week and I had to work late, so Shirley came over and cooked dinner for me. A couple of days later, I was going to cook some lasagna and take it to her home, but after searching high and low, I was unable to locate a particular dish I used. Finally, after going through every cupboard, I called Shirley to ask where she had put it. She then informed me that since it was her mother's dish, she had taken it.

I was upset and told her I wanted it back. Shirley told me no and hung up on me! My mother-in-law has not spoken to me since, and now she's fighting with my husband because he stood up to defend me.

I don't want a lasagna dish to divide my family, but I refuse to be treated this way. How would you have handled this situation? -- OFFENDED IN ODESSA, TEXAS

DEAR OFFENDED: Your mother-in-law was wrong to take the dish without asking or letting you know. However, it's possible the item has some sentimental meaning to her. Bearing that in mind, and in the interest of family harmony, I'd have written Shirley a note telling her that she's welcome to it -- and then I'd have gone out and bought myself another lasagna pan.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Better Safe Than Sorry," a woman who was reluctant to open her door to solicitors. Her husband insisted that if she didn't open the door and respond face-to-face, she was being rude. You advised that no rule of etiquette demands a person open the door to a stranger, and the way to avoid "buying" anything is to not listen to the pitch in the first place.

I'd like to share what a police officer told us at our community watch meeting. He said that burglars often knock on doors to see if anyone is home. The way to handle a stranger at the door is to say loudly, "Honey, I'll get it," then ask through the door, "Who is it?" Even if no one is with you, it gives the impression that you're not alone and vulnerable. -- HELPFUL ADVICE FROM PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR HELPFUL: Thank you. I heard from many readers who also pointed out that a stranger at the door could be a criminal "casing the joint," or a prelude to a home invasion and assault.

DEAR ABBY: While attending school at the University of California in San Diego in the late '80s, I was working on a report at the home of a classmate. One of his roommates answered the door to a couple of solicitors for so-called cheap magazine subscriptions. Once the door was opened, the "salesmen" pulled out weapons, tied us up, and robbed us of money and valuables. Dangerous? I'll say. I had a shotgun pointed at the back of my head. -- JOHN M., NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR JOHN M.: It could have been worse. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, a neighbor who lived only two doors down was severely beaten and raped after she "politely" opened her door to a stranger. She was lucky the man didn't kill her.

I used to have a "No Soliciting" sign on my door, but I continued to be bothered so I changed it. Now I have one that reads, "Don't sell me anything, give me anything, leave me anything or offer me anything. If you don't know me or my family, don't knock on my door and bother us!" -- ANNA IN BAKERSFIELD

DEAR ANNA: I'd say you've covered all your bases.

DEAR ABBY: It's a different world today. Caution is needed even with children. One week after I moved into my new house, the doorbell rang. Two boys who appeared to be about 8 and 10 were on my porch asking to use our bathroom. Something about them hit me wrong so I told them no, they should go home.

A week later, I read in the newspaper that a woman let two boys in to use her bathroom. They came out with a gun drawn and robbed her. Thankfully, they didn't shoot, but to my knowledge they were never caught. Adults aren't always the danger. -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN MISSOURI

DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I'm sad to say that's true.

DEAR ABBY: I do crime prevention as a volunteer with the Las Vegas Metro Police. What I tell people to do when I help them set up neighborhood watch programs is to post a sign by their doorbell that reads, "We shoot every third salesman -- and the second one just left!" -- TOM IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR TOM: Now that's a powerful message. It would even discourage the winner's committee from Publishers Clearinghouse.

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