DEAR ABBY: My father is upset with me and my sister-in-law because we don't ask his wife "Clarice" -- who is a hairdresser -- to cut, color or style our hair.

Clarice primarily services middle-aged and older females, who usually request haircuts and styles far different from what we want as young women. She does a great job as a stylist on that particular kind of client, but we're less confident in her skills with trendier styles and colors -- not because she's incapable, but because you become expert at what you do every day.

We have never discussed our feelings with Clarice; for years we just got our hair done elsewhere. Dad recently let us know that our choice of stylists has hurt his wife's feelings. We all love Clarice dearly and have a good relationship with her otherwise. Do we have a family obligation to use her services? How should this be addressed? -- FEELING TRAPPED IN GEORGIA

DEAR FEELING TRAPPED: It was wrong of your father to put you on the spot, but now that he has, you must talk to Clarice. Many women would rather curl up and "dye" than change hairdressers. Since you have a long-standing relationship with yours, explain that to Clarice. However, please keep in mind that a good hairdresser is more than a one-trick pony.

DEAR ABBY: I have a big decision to make and I need your help. I am from New York but I have lived in Virginia for 10 years. I moved after I got divorced and took my two boys with me.

I went home to New York for the holidays and now would like to move back because my parents and grandmother are getting old. I am 44; my boys are 19 and 21. The problem is, they don't want to go.

I have no life because all I do is take care of my boys. I make good money but I have nothing to show for it because of them. They use me. Both of them live with me and neither one helps with the bills. They both earn as much money as I do, but I am always sacrificing myself to give them money.

I can't take it anymore. I feel if I don't leave them, they'll never grow up. It pains me that I'll be so far away from them, but my brother has offered to sell me his house, and I really want to go. Please help. -- VACILLATING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR VACILLATING: Your "children" aren't children anymore. They are both self-supporting young men. The greatest gift a parent can give a child is independence. The longer you remain a crutch, the longer your sons will lean. If you want to be nearer to your family, for heaven's sake, go! You have the chance of a lifetime, and you should take it.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for completely debasing the act of giving my best friend a pair of diamond earrings on her retirement last year. I find it reprehensible that you assume we had slept together or that we intend to. Is it really that incomprehensible that everything in this world is not about sex? -- INFURIATED IN BELTON, MO.

DEAR INFURIATED: The letter I printed wasn't from your wife. It came from a woman in Minnesota. Not only had her husband bought the woman diamond earrings, but he had also been buying her lingerie from Victoria's Secret. In addition, his wife had caught him lying about his relationship with the recipient. Cool off.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 34-year-old professional woman who has never married. For the last two years, I have been dating "Mel," the single father of 11-year-old "Tracey." We live separately, but I'm at their house frequently, helping with and sharing meals, helping Tracey with her homework, contributing to and buying groceries, doing dishes and other chores. I often sleep at Mel's and am involved in the evening "tucking in" ritual. It has been an enlightening and challenging experience for me.

When I do things independently -- keep in mind that Mel and Tracey are almost always invited to participate in whatever I'm doing -- he often chooses to stay home. Then he tells me it's unfair that I get "all the freedom" and he's stuck here with the kid again. Mel has never had a baby sitter, although the parents of Tracey's friends were willing to have her on play dates a few times when we first started dating.

I try to be fair and helpful, but it seems like Mel resents me (or at least his life choices) for not always dedicating myself to "the family." Is he right? Am I being selfish? Should I stand my ground even if it results in the end of the relationship? -- CORNERED IN MONTANA

DEAR CORNERED: Stand your ground and recognize that you are dealing with a negative personality. Rather than being grateful for everything you do for him and his daughter, Mel is attempting to make you feel guilty for not doing more. It's not selfish to want or need personal time, so please don't allow yourself to be put on the defensive or manipulated.

There is a reason you signed your letter "Cornered." Before devoting more time to the relationship, carefully consider what his expectations of you are and whether you're willing and able to meet them.

DEAR ABBY: I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and named her "Amber Marie." Amber's name was a last-minute decision. Until I went into labor, my husband and I were leaning toward naming her Rhonda Marie, after a deceased relative.

When we announced the change, many family members were less than thrilled. Amber Marie is now 4 months old and some family members are saying things like, "Hi, Amber, you were supposed to be named Rhonda," or "I still like the name Rhonda better."

What should I say to these people? I'm sorry I chose not to honor the relative, but the name was just not right for my daughter. Any suggestions would be helpful. -- NEW MOMMY IN MICHIGAN

DEAR NEW MOMMY: Say, "Please stop saying that. Her name is Amber, and I don't want her to be confused."

DEAR ABBY: My marriage is on the rocks. "Irving" and I have discussed divorce, but we have both admitted that we don't want one and would like to work things out. Now Irving is seeing another woman. Does this mean that it's over between us and we should divorce, or should I continue to try to save the marriage? -- WANTS HIM BACK IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR WANTS HIM BACK: Ask Irving if what he said about wanting to save the marriage is still true. If he says yes, tell him that a good marriage requires sacrifice -- and in his case that means forgoing his new ladyfriend and seeking marriage counseling with you. Your husband's reaction will tell you whether to proceed with the divorce.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Fred," is on his fifth marriage. We know it won't be his last. Every time he is courting his next unsuspecting wife, my husband and I wish we could tell his new fiancee what we know about Fred, but of course, we can't. And they never ask.

The questions we wish these nice women would ask:

(1) Ask how many times he has been married. Multiple previous marriages are a big red flag. Don't think you are different from the others. You're not.

(2) If you wonder how he affords the expensive wines, the five-star restaurants and the trips to Europe on the salary that someone in his line of work earns -- the answer is he can't afford it.

(3) If he wants to buy a house with you and asks you to buy it in your name alone, then add his name after you obtain a loan, run for the nearest exit. His credit is bad.

(4) "Went to" a college and "graduated from" a college are two different things. What a shame that someone would even lie about that.

(5) If he hasn't been able to hold a job because he was "smarter than" every boss he ever had, don't count on having his income in your budget.

(6) Are you much younger than he is? Does he try to control your every move? (He likes the young ones because he can no longer fool the older, wiser ladies.)

(7) Have you ever wondered why nothing is his fault? The divorces? The bankruptcies? Think again!

(8) Does he tell you that his accountant advises him to make expensive purchases (that he can't afford) on the basis that they're tax-deductible? Don't believe everything you hear.

We know that Fred is attractive and charming. But please take off the blinders before you walk down the aisle. My husband and I are just glad Fred's creditors have finally stopped calling us because we share the same last name. -- SORRY IN THE NORTHEAST

DEAR SORRY: Stop apologizing. You have done nothing to be "sorry" for. I'm sure my readers will be grateful for the reminder that before making a lifelong commitment, it's imperative to know well with whom one is having the pleasure.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)