DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a dear friend from childhood passed away. He was only 48. My husband, "Brian," and I attended his funeral. The sad event made me realize how short our lives are. On the drive home, Brian started asking me about my past -- the people I grew up with, went to school with, etc. I was so caught up in my feelings I thought this was the time to finally answer all of his questions, because I was feeling so grateful for him, our kids and our life.

Well, I told my husband too much. He asked me about my past romantic relationships, and I answered him honestly. Finally he said, "Since you are being so honest, I'm going to give you one more chance to tell all. If there is anything left to tell, say it now, and we will never have this conversation again."

Well, I had an affair more than 20 years ago -- we have been married more than 30 years -- and I confessed. It only happened once before I came to my senses and realized I was where I wanted to be.

Abby, Brian hit the roof! My life hasn't been the same since. Brian feels he has been disrespected, and he wants to kill the other man. He has become insecure. He calls to check on me at work, which he never used to do. Our marriage is terrible. Now I say hardly anything to him, because I feel he tricked me.

Bottom line: Don't tell your secrets. Keep them buried deep. Believe me, it's better for everyone concerned. -- DUPED IN DELAWARE

DEAR DUPED: Although the affair was over many years ago, your husband is reacting the way he is because, for him, hurt and betrayal are fresh. Of course he feels insecure. Many men feel that a woman who will cheat once won't hesitate to cheat again -- and in some cases, that's true.

If you value your marriage, rather than clamming up, you will drag your husband to a marriage counselor as soon as possible. You two have a lot of talking to each other to do, and it's best that you do it in front of a referee. Both of you need to understand why the affair happened in the first place, and what kind of a marriage you can have from now on. Do not blame your husband for the way he's feeling now. His feelings are justified.

DEAR ABBY: We recently went to a birthday party for our 1-year-old granddaughter. The parents had a large gathering with lots of adults and six other small children. It was a success and everyone had fun.

The birthday gifts were not opened until all the guests had left. Our daughter-in-law said she wanted to be able to keep track of who each present was from so she could write thank-you notes. However, I feel the guests should have been able to see our granddaughter's expression when she saw her gifts. I felt cheated not being able to see what gifts were given. Please give me your thoughts on this. -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: At 1 year of age, a child is more interested in the wrapping paper and the box than what came inside it. (So much for your granddaughter's expression when the gifts were opened.) Since you felt cheated at not being able to see what the other guests brought, perhaps the mother will allow you to help with the thank-you notes. That way you can see what the child received, and her load will be lightened.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am ashamed to admit this, but after 20 years of marriage, my husband told me that he was meant to have a woman's body. My self-confidence is destroyed. Our children are suffering in every aspect of their lives. I cannot grasp my husband's revelation, as I love him still. I also accept that this is something I cannot change, but ever since we separated, the men I have dated have all turned out to be gay.

Is it me? Am I cursed? Or do I curse others? -- DEVASTATED IN DETROIT

DEAR DEVASTATED: This has nothing to do with you, and there are no curses involved. Your husband was born the wrong gender, and it's nobody's "fault."

Counseling can help you come to grips with this issue. Since your husband is considering gender reassignment, it follows that he is seeing a therapist. You need help, too. I recommend that you ask his therapist to refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist who is knowledgeable about transgender issues.

DEAR ABBY: I am in college, and four out of five of my roommates smoke. About two-thirds of my friends are smokers, too. They all know it's bad for them, but it is hard to quit.

I see cigarette packs and lighters lying around and I am very tempted to start smoking. I don't know why, because I know it's unhealthy. I have never smoked, but I'm afraid that I'll start soon. How can I make the right decision? -- NAIL-BITING IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

DEAR NAIL-BITING: Making "the right decision" will be easier if you remove yourself from temptation. Request a change of living quarters to accommodations that are strictly nonsmoking, because research has proven that secondhand smoke can make you sick.

"A stitch in time saves nine," and the sagest advice I can offer is not to start smoking in the first place. Tobacco is a nasty addiction to kick -- witness your friends and acquaintances who would quit if they could. When the urge is strong, picture yourself attached to an oxygen tank trying desperately to inhale oxygen into tobacco-damaged lungs. Not a pretty picture. Be smart; don't start.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and the mother of a beautiful little boy. His father is no longer in the picture.

There is a man in my life who loves my son and me very much. I'll call him Joe. Joe and I have been together for eight incredible months, and he recently proposed to me. One week later, I caught him cheating on me. I was heartbroken and didn't know what to do. Joe told me how sorry he was and begged me to give him another chance. I agreed.

But, Abby, things don't seem the same anymore. It feels like I'm the only one trying in this relationship. I realize I also have to consider my son. Was I wrong to give him a second chance? -- CONFUSED IN RENO, NEV.

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes. A man who is sincerely in love, and mature enough for marriage and fatherhood, does not cheat a week after he proposes. You are only 16. It's time to step back and consider how you plan to raise your son. It is vital that you complete your education so you are able to support yourself and your child. Only when you are financially independent should you consider marriage to anyone.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Confused in Quito, Ecuador" complained that when she says, "I love you," her boyfriend's response is, "I love you more." She asked what made him feel he had to "best" her in this. Please let her know it's possible he's only repeating an endearment that means, "My love for you is so immense it has no bounds."

I'd bet my next paycheck that the young man has no intention of trying to "top" her, but instead feels he's giving her the highest compliment he can. -- RUTH IN BRANDON, MISS.

DEAR RUTH: I agree. However, you would not believe the letters and e-mails that "Confused's" question generated!

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" shouldn't be offended. I have a 10-year-old son, and that is one of our standard routines at bedtime. We always tell each other we love each other when we kiss goodnight. The fun is seeing who can tell the other that we love each other more, until finally one of us says, "I love you more than anyone can love anyone in the whole wide world."

Please urge "Confused" not to make a competition out of it, and just enjoy the fact that he "loves her more." -- LOVED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LOVED: My mail indicates that the "I love you more" game is a tradition in many families.

DEAR ABBY: "Confused" should listen to her instincts. If her boyfriend feels the need to compete with her and "win" in other areas, too, it could be a warning sign of a potential abuser. When I was a domestic violence advocate, this was one of the "little" signs we told clients to watch out for. -- SHERRI IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR SHERRI: Thank you for lending another point of view.

DEAR ABBY: I hope "Confused" ends her relationship with that young man and allows him the freedom to find someone who truly appreciates him. Shortly before my daughter's wedding, she and her fiance were in her car driving home when she said, "I love you." He replied, "I love you more." Thus was born the theme for their wedding. They had their wedding bands engraved with the phrase, and I embroidered it on the ring bearer's pillow. Two children later, they're still saying it and blissfully happy. -- JOAN IN WATKINSVILLE, GA.

DEAR JOAN: What a beautiful way to memorialize a wedding ceremony.

DEAR ABBY: I sure wish I had that girl's problem. My husband of 27 years hasn't said "I love you" to me in more than 20 of them. He tells our sons and our dogs how much he loves them, but I never receive any words of affection from him. What I wouldn't give to hear my husband say those three little words. -- LONELY IN LAGUNA

DEAR LONELY: There is a reason why, seven years into your marriage, your husband withdrew and became emotionally withholding. Until you bring the issue out into the open, nothing will change. Not only do you need to understand the reason for your husband's behavior, it would also be helpful to understand why you have tolerated it for so long. Offer him the option of discussing it with a marriage counselor. If he refuses, go without him. I guarantee you'll get an education.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and my husband had the same ritual. Whichever one said, "I love you," the other would respond, "I love you more."

After raising eight children, my husband died of cancer at the age of 59. On his tombstone, in addition to the data, is the endearment "MORE." -- MARJORIE IN ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR MARJORIE: And a fitting epitaph it is.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)